Thursday, September 07, 2006

Too Many Men

I'm on my couch, alternately browsing/cooking/resting, I haven't spent this much time alone doing nothing in ages. I followed up on my loathsome job via phone and email, and for the millionth time acknowledged the fact that if I didn't have a conscience I should've given up long ago. I used to believe this job would go somewhere, but now I have accepted that I am doing it for the experience, that is the experience of trying to reach a goal against all odds, the sales experience, the money, and most importantly the opportunity it gives me to spend 2-3 years of my life living alone and traveling flexibly and regularly to try to figure out what it is exactly that I am looking for, who exactly after all this versatility and adaptability I have displayed, do I want to be....
But at this specific day, I am crowded, crowded with too many men in my life, in my day!
And I hate, HATE, how every one of them speaks to a different part of me....
Me and T have been on splendid terms, as previously mentioned, he is leaving in what I assume is max 3 months. T is the man I have been dating for almost a year now, we see other people, but as we are both living in this town full of lost souls and drama queens, we have learnt to appreciate each other and adapt to our differences. He is now never crass around me, is conscious that being a little less selfish doesn't mean he is selling his soul, and he is close enough to me now to manage his geminian restlessness and if he absolutely can't, he has learnt to be tactful instead of rude. I am quite proud of him, he has come a long way, and I love him, in a familiar, sexy, intimate, fun way. I must admit, I am getting more attached to him, and a bit sad he will leave, as I know for a fact, it is very unlikely we will cross paths again. He is a gypsy, and I am allergic to the pain of missing. It will end abruptly, and it will upset me. Damn men like T, they are ironically the only men that make me feel safe.
E is someone who has decided to enter my life full force, we met by coincidence in the most unexpected place, he liked me, he went for me, and he had his mind made up in days. I was the one for him, and he means it. I have never met someone so straight forward, so balanced, so attentive, so committed and disciplined, so open to communication, so willing to make me happy, yet he is confident, focused and has very clear standards to what he can and cannot tolerate in a girl. He is not closed minded, but he is oriental, I have tried in every way to tell him there is much of me he would not accept, then he presses for more clarification, and I shy away from this exposure, this violation of my privacy. I know this is not an emotional attraction for me, I am attracted to him because I know he will treat me right, will not cause me heart ache, will provide a warm ethical home for me, and be a good father and a good partner. I find myself trying to let myself be loved first for a change, be the receiver instead of the giver, I am trying something I have never done before, waiting for my emotions to grow...
And as fate would have it, out of nowhere, G called me today. I cannot explain how I feel about G, after my last horrendous break up with K 18 months ago, G is the only man I wanted to be with with all my soul, we fell together, and he decided that the long distance emotional passionate ride was too much for him. I swallowed my pride and put on my brave girl face, ended it when his confusion was too painful, and decided to get on with my life. I would not once again waste my time on someone I want more than he wants me. Hence going back to T for comfort and distraction, and giving E a chance in the name of sanity.
And G called today, after two months of silence, just to hear my voice, see if I'm well, he sounded like hell, and without asking I know why. G has a tormented soul, he is never satisfied, and his zelousy for life wears him out, and his voice breaks through me, breaks through my detachment with T, and my toughness with E, and my confusion with the world.
G takes me back 6 years, where the decision to spend the rest of my life with someone is taken at a glance, with the first kiss, with the feeling of a hand belonging there.
G takes me to a place where I know who I am.
Why can't I have a simple love life, ever?

17 comments:

FreudianSlip said...

I am yet to meet a person with a simple love life!
Biology has messed us up...we could've all been "just friends" but noo-hoo!

still breathing said...

woohoohoo!! too many cocktails!

so u wish there was only 1 who could speak to all parts of u?

N said...

Freudian: advice?

Still breathing: don't we all all? Can someone tell me if that is just an immature dream?

still breathing said...

i dunno about it being immature..but can't u weigh every1's good sides against his bad ones and decide who's worth the trouble?

FreudianSlip said...

Do you think that maybe you cater to each of them in a different way and that's what's causing the problem? I just came back from a wedding and i'm so anti-relationships again...praise dee l'od.

N said...

Still Breathing: :s

Freudian: yeah i do that, what are you suggesting? I think i'm getting stupid here...

FreudianSlip said...

No my comment was vague. I do that too and involuntarily which makes it hard to stop. (i.e. catering) I guess if you’re still feeling unsure (as am I) about all these guys then you haven’t met the one person that will see you as a whole and speak to the entire of you. I mean all these guys could be great and I’m sure they were and I’m sure that most of the couples we see today belong to that category of people. They’re OK together but lack the oomph. You don’t wanna settle for an oomph-less love life, if anything, that’s admirable! Suffice to say, I have met that person, I know that person, I can’t be with that person- quite the bitch I hafta say.

N said...

eh el nakad dah! leh ya benty? :(

FreudianSlip said...

el donia 7ozooooz...you snooze you lose and i snoozed:S

Insomniac said...

like freudianslip said, may be u didn't meet the one who sums them all up.. i don't think there is someone who wouls sum it all up (i gave up on being a romantic some time ago).. just relax, enjoy the ride wherever it takes u and when u find the one, ur doubts will probably be less.. i hope

KareemFromEgypt said...

you should have known better than to go for a gemini, cancerians ya N... well actually that's not necessarily a good choice either

i always say too many women is as bad as no women, don't know if it works the other way or not, but you say it does.

u still believe in love? and someone bringing you back 6 years to the time when u believed in love isn't the same as making u love them again today.

i say burn the black book and hope for someone who shares ur insecurities and complements ur faults. someone who has the same taste in music (not vital but helps when u have nothing to talk about) and someone who's own faults are not fatal to you no matter how appalling they might be to other.... oh and when u do find him, ask if he has a sister.

N said...

2 Gemini's Kareem, T and G are both geminis. no wonder i've gone off the top.

La Gitana said...

Ahhh the star sign dilemma... sounds like a conversation my best friend would have with me, her and her star obsession :)

I actually agree with insomniac, take it one step at a time and enjoy the ride.

You're fire and air fuels fire until it eventually explodes. However, geminis are the most interesting of air signs, just don't mess with aquarians they're LETHAL. Not that I believe in any of this of course :P

Insomniac said...

"geminis are the most interesting of air signs" thanks for that gitana.. geminian here..

and what is E's sign ya N (out of curiosity that is.. btw i also agree with kareem.. i am 2 agreable these days

N said...

Gemini men are dazzlingly irresistable, and intolerable to live with. That said i hope that i do not happen to find yet another one attractive, they're hard work.

E ia a virgo ya Insomniac, something i have never dealt with before, i feel like a gemini in comparison!

Kareem, G was new, i had thrown out the black book :) It was just the taking back to an old feeling of infatuation i was talking about i guess... not with the same person

That said, I have recently found out that G has moved on, and T is off in 6-8 weeks. The gemini's are exiting, now lets see what the virgo has up his sleeve..

Freudian, what if this is it? I don't wanna snooze :(

KareemFromEgypt said...

well since G moved on maybe you should try a Cancerian born on the cusp, ie: part gemini part cancer. forget about being moody, that's a lethal combo much more lethal than Gitana's aquarians

insomniac: you're not agreeable, i was mainly emphasizing on your point in the first place ;) then i elaborated

N said...

La gitana, i dated an aquarius for a year, and have erased that year from my memory... talk about issues!!

Kareem, ana hasebny ba2a min mawdoo3 el horoscopes dah and try to manage the leo (myself) in this "ride" 3ala ra2ye la gitana