I'm on my couch, alternately browsing/cooking/resting, I haven't spent this much time alone doing nothing in ages. I followed up on my loathsome job via phone and email, and for the millionth time acknowledged the fact that if I didn't have a conscience I should've given up long ago. I used to believe this job would go somewhere, but now I have accepted that I am doing it for the experience, that is the experience of trying to reach a goal against all odds, the sales experience, the money, and most importantly the opportunity it gives me to spend 2-3 years of my life living alone and traveling flexibly and regularly to try to figure out what it is exactly that I am looking for, who exactly after all this versatility and adaptability I have displayed, do I want to be....
But at this specific day, I am crowded, crowded with too many men in my life, in my day!
And I hate, HATE, how every one of them speaks to a different part of me....
Me and T have been on splendid terms, as previously mentioned, he is leaving in what I assume is max 3 months. T is the man I have been dating for almost a year now, we see other people, but as we are both living in this town full of lost souls and drama queens, we have learnt to appreciate each other and adapt to our differences. He is now never crass around me, is conscious that being a little less selfish doesn't mean he is selling his soul, and he is close enough to me now to manage his geminian restlessness and if he absolutely can't, he has learnt to be tactful instead of rude. I am quite proud of him, he has come a long way, and I love him, in a familiar, sexy, intimate, fun way. I must admit, I am getting more attached to him, and a bit sad he will leave, as I know for a fact, it is very unlikely we will cross paths again. He is a gypsy, and I am allergic to the pain of missing. It will end abruptly, and it will upset me. Damn men like T, they are ironically the only men that make me feel safe.
E is someone who has decided to enter my life full force, we met by coincidence in the most unexpected place, he liked me, he went for me, and he had his mind made up in days. I was the one for him, and he means it. I have never met someone so straight forward, so balanced, so attentive, so committed and disciplined, so open to communication, so willing to make me happy, yet he is confident, focused and has very clear standards to what he can and cannot tolerate in a girl. He is not closed minded, but he is oriental, I have tried in every way to tell him there is much of me he would not accept, then he presses for more clarification, and I shy away from this exposure, this violation of my privacy. I know this is not an emotional attraction for me, I am attracted to him because I know he will treat me right, will not cause me heart ache, will provide a warm ethical home for me, and be a good father and a good partner. I find myself trying to let myself be loved first for a change, be the receiver instead of the giver, I am trying something I have never done before, waiting for my emotions to grow...
And as fate would have it, out of nowhere, G called me today. I cannot explain how I feel about G, after my last horrendous break up with K 18 months ago, G is the only man I wanted to be with with all my soul, we fell together, and he decided that the long distance emotional passionate ride was too much for him. I swallowed my pride and put on my brave girl face, ended it when his confusion was too painful, and decided to get on with my life. I would not once again waste my time on someone I want more than he wants me. Hence going back to T for comfort and distraction, and giving E a chance in the name of sanity.
And G called today, after two months of silence, just to hear my voice, see if I'm well, he sounded like hell, and without asking I know why. G has a tormented soul, he is never satisfied, and his zelousy for life wears him out, and his voice breaks through me, breaks through my detachment with T, and my toughness with E, and my confusion with the world.
G takes me back 6 years, where the decision to spend the rest of my life with someone is taken at a glance, with the first kiss, with the feeling of a hand belonging there.
G takes me to a place where I know who I am.
Why can't I have a simple love life, ever?