Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Emotional Outburst

I must have felt every feeling there is to feel in this past week. The vessel that is my mind, body, heart and soul has reached the limits of its capacity, and its capacity is quite high. My mind struggles to remain focused, my body is tired from not collapsing, my heart is aching with sadness and yearning, my soul has long since left me and resided where it feels it has found a home.
I am someone who listens to the soul, through everything i try to shush the rest of me and let the soul lead and guide. It is not easy. It really and truly is not easy at all.
The mind is twisted, and presents one million and one scenarios, some are terrifying, some are sweet, and some are so unreal.
The heart is soft, too soft, too full of many forms of love and too protective of the weak yet too magnetized by the soul.
The body has a mind of its own, it goes places against the better judgment of the forces it should adhere to.

The soul is tired, it just wants the rest of me to allow it to go home.

Monday, January 29, 2007


I am unable to blog, all my energy is going into understanding, predicting, sustaining and managing. I have nothing to write, because words are currently trivial. All i will or could say would be useless, this is mentally and emotionally challenging and there is no explaining why it is necessary, because everything can be argued to be unnecessary.
So in case you are wondering, or in case you are wondering, why i am quiet, why i am not saying more of what you want to hear, this is why; words are sometimes overrated, my words are not always found.

Now you, have a meeting, a second meeting, that will unravel if this was worth it.
I have hope, an inkling, that it very well might be worth it.
We have all the time we will then choose to have.

We will soon have, conversation, and all will be well again.

In the intricate complications of this, it is ultimately quite simple; i'm on my way.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


It's weird
to go back to silence, to go back to composure
to go back to the unshared trivia cramming one's head
It's enlightening
to know the worth, the need, the want for more
to know that the self hungers and was not tricked by excitement
It's scary
to not have the constant reminders, the hourly reassurance
to have to take the leap of faith in one's own thoughts, to believe
It's hard
to not be selfish, to not break rules and crumble, to not be hasty
to not tell you that i miss you

but i just did, not so selfless after all....

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Praise the lord
for he has sent
a little boy with no shoes
with breakable toys and bendable rules
take the boy, by the hand
ask him why he has no love
watch him look from where he stands
"what do you really mean by love?"
he has a fist, he has his bones
he earns his bread and builds his home
he was given days and ways
clever tricks and abundant greys
and the heart, it keeps him living
and the need forces
just the enough amount of giving
so he isn't always alone
what is love if you were born into the world -
on your own?
what is hope? what is faith?
my days never ended that way
what is trust when all i know
is broken homes and shoving snow?
try a soft hand on the brow
of the boy with no shoes now
watch the wrath, feel the hate
sometimes it really is too late
praise the lord
for he has shown
just why shoeless boys are born

Friday, January 19, 2007

And yet another... unbearable urge

My phone needs to be confiscated... A brand new N70? Anyone?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Drama Queen: Act 15

It had to be the Caribbean, i should have seen this coming, it had to be such a dramatic setting, i am not even a little bit surprised. Who am i kidding? This is who i am; a subtle, quiet, horrid drama queen.
I am at the beach trying to figure out the weather, gloriously hot and threateningly cloudy in the same ten minutes. St.Martin is more chaotic and poor than i expected, its such a pleasant surprise! Lazy, smiling locals, dodgy roads, worn out cottages, none of the obnoxiousness i was half expecting. The hills all around the island look seriously volcanic, then again what do i know about volcanoes...
We went out out for dinner last night, for those not familiar with the blog, the other part of we is T. We are residing on the french side of the island (the island is half french half dutch, the french side is bigger and this is reported to be because on arriving to the island both parties agreed that a man of each nationality would walk around the island covering as much land as possible, and the french man got the dutch one drunk right before and consequently covered way more land). On hearing this i was shocked to my core that it wasn't the other way around, Have you met a dutch person before? If you have, you'll know why.
Anyway, so we are dining in a restaurant on the french side (much to my horror), and almost every time we go out to dinner we end up talking to the table next to us. Yesterday's were french Canadians, talk talk talk, i was half asleep from the jet lag and could only forge enough french to keep me going for an hour. As a pure Frenchman joined the conversation and took it two gears down to repetitive and whiny, I finally gave in and zoned out, fourth glass of rose in one hand, stolen cigarette in the other, i turned my head the other way and got lost in my thoughts. T interrupted me by scolding and throwing in reminders of ICU's and heart monitors, i smiled, he gave up and looked away. I kept looking at him, wondering when exactly it was that i had decided to set him up to fail. I looked at him and saw exactly how he saw me; independent, undemanding and happily in love with him.
How on earth did i take him to a place where he thought that this was me in love? Did he really think that i let myself be in love while he went back home and spent a week every few months with his ex who still lived in his house? Did he really think i could be in love with him and go for weeks on end sometimes without a word from him, only to meet him again with a smile?
How did i get him so cornered? To not know my true expects from a man and to deny him ever delivering? I have screwed the man over. He thinks he has me and takes that for granted, and why shouldn't he? Because i tell him i am not in love? Because i tell him i will one day leave? Because i tell him in my dreams i want more? If i am only ever there, why should he believe me? It's moment like these that i know i am ruthless. I am so stubborn about refusing to play games to make a man appreciate, if he doesn't know what he has without being treated like shit, then it will just have to run its course. I stubbornly take pride in this because the day a man has me is the day he will earn it even though he doesn't feel the need to. I am severely messed up! Why can't i just play the game like other people?

I have no guilt that my mind is full of elsewhere thoughts, happy, restful, peaceful thoughts that have nothing to do with T. I am however, worried. How will he take it when the day comes? The day i told him would come when its time... How will he react when i tell him all this will go? How will he take it when i tell him it's time? Will he know how to be just my friend?
Will he?

I had to pick the Caribbean, go figure.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

My Date

My date's plane reservation got messed up, so he ended up travelling 28 hours, instead of 5, to see me.

The date itself, lasted 18 hours.

For the first three hours my date talked non stop to relax me and break the ice, he used humour and had no idea that i was having other conversations with him in my head while he cracked jokes.

At no point in those 18 hours did my date's focus on me deter.

At no point in those 18 hours did we stop talking, or an awkward moment appear.

My date scrutinized me, from how i said hello, to what i was wearing, my hair, my hands, how i spoke in English, Arabic and the little French i dared to utter. How i laughed, how i smiled, my types of smile, the way i walked, the way i almost said a thing or the other. My date took me to bits.

After my date scrutinized me, he relayed everything he had concluded about me, to me.

My date did absolutely everything right, at no point was i wanting or needing for anything at all.

My date heard every word i said better than i heard myself talking. We talked about family, health, friends, work, countries, travelling, religion and God.

My date looked at me like i was a much better person than i was, constantly.

My date looked at me with a mixture of desire, questioning, understanding, bewilderment and unconditional acceptance.

I did not have to think twice about anything i said to him.

Every once in a while, while he talked, i wondered how i managed to draw a man like that into my life.

My date left me in shock that such a date could actually take place.

These are the highlights of my date, those of you who are interested, put them together, i have left France and am doing some travelling, meanwhile i will try to understand what exactly happened on that date.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Last week of France

I just woke up with a split headache, a blocked nose, and what feels like a bad hangover from the flu medicine. I am in bed taking swigs of juice while i remember the 700 dreams i had last night, the subconscious is scary, it is unbelievable how many things happen to us while we don't realize they do.
Almost every item in the flat is sorted out and designated to bag or box. All furniture is cleaned and ready to deliver and i am on my bed, back to the sliding glass doors that lead to the terrace that stretches along the tiny flat, and the sun is pouring into my bedroom. If i turn around and look out i could see glimpses of the sea... I am going to miss this flat.
There are a million things about France that i will miss; the roads, the driving, the scenery, the coffee, the restaurants, the wine, the day trips, the lakes, seas and rivers, the laid back pace of life, the bidding good day and see you later and thank you and good day again whenever you walk into any store. There a million things i have missed from home as well, the girls, my family, the ability to completely understand and converse, the endless options for a good night out, Sinai and Alex in the winter.
One of my dreams last night was sitting with the girls around the fireplace in the winter, and talking to them about all the things that i have been talking to myself about in my head for two years. I miss the girls badly, but i know i will miss my privacy very very badly when i go home.

Sometimes you have it so sweet here and there, that you wish you could be both here and there....

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I think i have a date...

I am packing, trying to fit a flat into four suitcases in a how to put four elephants in a fridge manner. My mother wants the sheets, towels and quilt, my sister wants all my books, DVD and CD player, i need my clothes to walk the streets of Cairo and i am now dearly regretting the boots and bags mania i got in the autumn.
Girls are mad, i swear, when i packed to come here i brought with me every safety blanket i owned. I could not part with my ten year old dress, bondo2, my basata pants, favourite books i brought along just in case i might want to look through them one day etc etc.. i came with heaps of stuff, and now as i pack to return i see that i have not developed at all. 6 packets of hair dye, 8 of Fructis leave in conditioner, everything i may ever need from France ever again. OK, girls are not mad, I am insane. I must have thrown out half the things i own, and there are still mountains of books and fabric to get to Cairo.
I am procrastinating, this is not what this post is about.

I've met someone, well i haven't actually met him yet, but i can safely say that in terms of what it may mean to me, i have indeed met someone. I mean we have talked everyday for a month tomorrow, i think we have talked all day almost every day for a month now. And he is going to travel 5 hours out of his way to come have coffee with me. I think i have a date... would you call this a date?

Can someone tell me how to go on a first date with someone who knows things about me that he ought to have found out in about two years? Can someone tell me how exactly i am supposed to be composed and collected and so very detached as i usually am on first dates when i am absolutely exposed? Oh, did i mention that he read my whole blog? What on earth am i supposed to do on a date with someone who knows all this about how i am?
These are not rhetoric questions by the way.... feedback is needed this time. I am not contemplating the secret of being or self knowledge or bla bla bla, this is serious people, what am i to do?

I will help you help me, this man is intelligent and witty, absolutely not naive, funny, absolutely unpredictable, and for a change is not wearing an "I'm an asshole just for the sake of it" t-shirt as he knocks on my door, of course the t-shirt may well be hidden and tucked underneath, but at least he's not flaunting it!
This man is older, yet more light hearted, kinder yet firmer, very soft and terrifyingly tough. Did that help? I didn't think so... What am i going to do?

I'll try again, this man talks to me all day about nothing and everything, he makes me laugh out loud in an over heated shopping mall on sales, with a text message. I tell him sad stories and he knows better than to sympathize, i tell him weird stories and he makes fun of me, i tell him stories of nothing at all and somehow he finds them interesting enough to not leave me online and go cook while i blab...

I have a date in a week, what am i going to do?

Saturday, January 06, 2007

New Year? What? When? Huh...?

Towards the end of every year me and the girls get a round of emails going (the girls are my childhood friends and yes we are very much the obnoxious clique). The round is always about how the last year was in terms of victories and shame, who the prize winners for things such as worst move, worst friend, best achievement, etc... are, and the emails are also always about predictions for the next year, resolutions, things to never ever be done again and praises and thanks that certain things are over and done with.
These emails have been sent from Cairo, Italy, Lebanon, France, nothing has ever stopped these rounds for a good 7 years or so now. The emails are heart warming, honest, hilariously funny and full of love and the joy to be alive no matter, and to be honest they take up chunks of time to stay at par. We have standards for them, they must be very witty as well, its all quite a big deal. The initiator of these emails is simply the first one to remember that its time.

I haven't received or sent a single one of these emails this turn of year.....
Is this a sign that i all of a sudden, have a life? Is this a sign that the girls have all as well acquired a life? How wonderful, how joyous, its a shame the emails are missing mind you but it also means i haven't done anything drastically aggravating this year that made someone wait for Xmas to throw it in my face. I think that may be a first.

My new years resolutions for 2005 was to stay happy, and 2006 was to be happy again.

The only resolution i can think of this year, is to drink more water.

A few months ago my sister called me to ask me what i wanted for my birthday, i automatically said nothing, i have everything i want / need.
I absolutely love moments like these! And the new year brings the same feeling with it, i just seriously need to drink more water!

So this is late, but I've only just realized that the calendar has turned on us...

May 2007 bring you happiness, love, clarity, satisfaction, a clear conscience and self worth through any way you choose to get those things.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


I pave the road with brick and stone
I pave the road, i pave alone
I hurt my back, i scratch my knees
I wet my hair, i start to sneeze
I've missed you much
I've missed you long
you know i still sing that song
with the bucket from the river
and the promise of forever
and the smile when you said forget me not
bet you think that i forgot
i wear the ring and bear the cross
for eight years now since the loss
i proudly pave your road and mine
i hope you know i carry you with me
all the time

Monday, January 01, 2007

Loose Ends

I dreamt of my ex (a.k.a K and the brat) a few nights ago, it's a recurring dream i get in different forms, and it is not really a dream, its much closer to a nightmare.
I have not once ever dreamed of getting back together with my ex, the one dream i keep having is that we are talking to each other, me, him and his now fiance. We are all talking and sorting out the mess that happened two years ago, when i left the country and he cheated on me with her one final time and then i stopped answering his calls. That is how we broke up.
He came to see me for Xmas in December 04 when i had just moved here, and then went back to Cairo and had messed around with her within 3 weeks. The last time he had anything to do with her was a year before, but i knew, as women know, that he would go back to Cairo and seek refuge in her, the brat cannot be alone. I told him over Xmas, out of nowhere, that if that happened he would have no place in my life, this seems futile now but back then, it was hard to mean.

My dream is that we are talking to each other, laughing and smiling over what has passed and his fiance is there not minding, joining in, my dream is that we have managed to be any form of friends. This dream to some could be interpreted that i am not over my ex. I am so very over my ex that i wish him happiness with this woman. What i am not over is that my friend of 8 years is someone i cannot talk to anymore, what i can't deal with is that we never broke up, i just dropped him from my life as that was the only way to do it.
For a few days after he told me he messed up, i listened to him, maybe, just maybe he had something to say, but all i heard was crap, that was so much more crapful as it was the accumulation of three years of crap, i couldn't listen to it, all i wanted was out of his grasp, so i blocked him on all the instant messengers, deleted his sms's without reading them, stopped answering his calls, and when he came to France to talk months later i drove to Italy. I wouldn't talk to him because it was time i put myself first and run for my life, anything soft he would've said would've gotten to me, and my decision was already made, it was over and it was hard, why listen to things that will make it so much harder? I couldn't watch the closest person to me lie to me one more time, all i wanted then was to never see or hear of him ever again.
Meanwhile he had nothing worthy to say anyway, as he is today engaged to that girl.

In my dream me and him sit and talk about what happened, he apologizes from the heart and is actually remorseful to have caused me pain. In my dream i forgive him out loud and tell him i have moved on to better things and thank him for the lessons learnt. In my dream we actually break up, say good bye and remain in each others hearts. In my dream we don't leave loose ends. And everything is ok again.

98% of humanity would have any other dream but this one. You want to make peace with a piece of shit? I've always been emotionally weird, and am now finally comfortable enough with it to say yes.
Yes i want to make peace with someone unworthy, because it isn't about them, it's about me, parts of my life. It's about me finishing up and letting go and hopefully keeping friends, or at least losing them without having nightmares that haunt me about it.