Sunday, July 29, 2007

One Night

At the end of a perfect day, amidst the softness of familiar yet much missed tenderness..

"Now do you believe that i love you?"


"You don't?"

"I believe that you believe you do..." said tenderly, gently, cautiously...

"You think i wouldn't know?"

For a split second he contemplated my question, i don't know what went on in his mind after that, he was too busy containing the situation i think, preventing tears and such to follow..
I couldn't go on, the moment of closeness was gone for me, i turned around to spare him tears for the nth time and willed myself to sleep.

Ever since i've remembered that sentence several times a day, it's my first thought of him when i think of him and every time i wonder what i do that makes him think that? I must be responsible somehow, and i wonder over and over, is it how we started out? Is it because he hasn't seen scribblings and writings of torture and torment over him? Is it because i'm far away? Is it because i say it too much?

This feels like one of the very few battles i cannot fight. I don't think this is a battle meant to be fought...
I can only hope that if i keep being me, he will get it one day...

His response to this post was: "you should give me more credit"
What does that even mean?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

When It's Worth It

Today i went to the office after a week off. I'd gone to Turkey for a much needed break and some quality time with the Bf. I had been working 12 - 13 hour days for the past few weeks as the boss was away and i had to fill in for her beside doing my job and i was up against a deadline.
Consequently, whilst packing i left my work phone at home, took no documents to work on if i felt like it, didn't take my laptop with me for the first time i can remember, and didn't check my work email once! (pathetic victory i know).
Part of my job is coaching people to do their job better, i.e. fill their posts, construct their reports, own their meeting and manage their time so they can develop into indispensable promotable people. I have been exerting quite a substantial amount of effort with 7 people of diverse functions in the organization, and on my way back to work this morning i had palpitations from the issues and emails waiting for my arrival...

I walked into my office, coffee mug in hand, turned on my computer and started going through the bunch of emails waiting for me:

The product release team meeting was held, and the minutes delivered on time
Moreover, all the pending collections were launched, and marketing had placed production orders
Marketing had delievered the three collection briefs as agreed, two months ahead of schedule as requested, to push our production calendar back to make room for market testing
The minutes of the factory meeting of before were edited and distributed correctly
The factory status report was comprehensive, with exact production figures, finished prototypes, with a zero lott report attached
The stock repricing was complete and ready for consultant final lookover
The stock report was broken down per collection per production stage
The precious stones appraising project was finished to be presented that week
The bathroom were being revamped, and were almost finished
and finally
All the contract copies requested from employees had been handed in during my absence as requested..

Nothing was missing, everything i asked for happened, no one had excuses for why things hadn't happened, and other than asking me to confirm a tile color for the bathroom, no one needed help.

It was the perfect day. Maybe i should've gone on vacation sooner...

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Terms of Endearment

I recall when i was a teenager how uncool terms of endearment were. I remember the looks me and my girlfriends would exchange if someone called one of us "habibty" or "ro7y".... if someone said "2alby" i would literally cringe. It was icky, over emotional, uncalled for and oh so LAME.
The other day i was on the phone whilst driving back to work from a meeting with my life long friend next to me who also happens to be my boss and the snobbiest person i know, i was on the phone with a girl doing some work for us, and after i ended the conversation my friend turned to me giggling:

F: Did you realize that you just called her "ro7y"
Me: I did?
F: Yes, and habibty as well

I started giggling as well

F (reassuringly): It's ok, i do it too you know... well, maybe not "ro7y"... but the concept is ok now

I started laughing: why wouldn't it be ok?
and then i remembered our years of allergy to terms of endearment and smiled.

Somewhere on the french coast it became ok to say habibty, habiby, ro7y, love, honey, hun and even baby on the occasional highly highly affectionate moment. One day i woke up and i wanted to call people nice things, pamper them, make them feel loved, it has become an integral part of who i am...

This observation leads me to the most absurd of thoughts, are we THAT uncomfortable with emotions when we're young? Why is it that hard for teenagers to accept open affection? Why did i used to find this embarrassing and downright uncool? Why will teenagers push you away if you try to hug them?

Are we that messed up when we're growing up?

My BF has taken to calling me the most absurd things, i can only thank both of our lucky stars that we didn't meet a few years back when his calling me "konafa" would've been responded to by a dagger in the heart rather than a very appreciative sensation of being pampered..

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


I wake up and the urge hits me again. The unbearable urge to pack a bag, call in sick for a month and flee. I readjust my face and bury it into the pillow and remember that i love my job, love my life really and should get up and start my day. I remove my hair from my face and remember once again that i moved back by choice, that it's a trade off and i head off to work.

I do this every day, for four and a half months now i've done this almost every day.

Is crying in the middle of a meeting from the stress a sign that maybe i don't belong in this managerial place and was more at home shopping in the cote d'azur and downing espresso's all day?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Chronic Nightmares

It's 2:28 am.

I have just woken up from the dream that lucifer had struck a town with the doom of death by demons because i had been mocking his existence. The town's plague then spread to the other surrounding towns, until i see a birds eye view of stampedes of people fleeing the south of France up to Paris, and there are so many of them and they are so scared that they have torn down the tolls, entrances and exits of the highway and are all crawling onto the highway with their belongings from everywhere in the south of France in the pitch blackness of the night, all of them wailing and screaming.

Yesterday i dreamt that a woman got into a car and put her child in the back seat, she was parked with her back to a huge hole where a building's infra structure was about to be drilled, the ditch was maybe 15m deep. The woman backed up too much, the two back wheels slid into the ditch, and i watched as the cars weight shifted backwards, the car tilted into the ditch and the car started falling in back first. I saw the maybe four year old's body hit the top of the car and the look of horror on his face as they fell. I heard the baby scream.

Can you people please tell me how often you get nightmare of this level of horror so i can have a benchmark before i seek professional help?

Sunday, July 01, 2007


He came to me last night.
He didn't really look like him, but i knew it was him, dreams are funny that way.
And even though i didn't know i was dreaming, i knew we had little time, i knew every moment was precious, and i panicked because i didn't want to waste or misuse the little time we had.
He saw my panic, and i suddenly found him with me, beside me, surrounding me, and he started talking to me. I only knew he was talking because i found myself soothed, calm, protected like i didn't know was possible.
And then i dared to ask; are you proud at all?
And the question shocked him, truly distressed him, and he asked me why i ask that?
"Because i'm different than what you planned, i have not followed the laid out path"
And he looked at me long, and hard, and i woke up...