At the end of a perfect day, amidst the softness of familiar yet much missed tenderness..
"Now do you believe that i love you?"
Silence....
"You don't?"
"I believe that you believe you do..." said tenderly, gently, cautiously...
"You think i wouldn't know?"
For a split second he contemplated my question, i don't know what went on in his mind after that, he was too busy containing the situation i think, preventing tears and such to follow..
I couldn't go on, the moment of closeness was gone for me, i turned around to spare him tears for the nth time and willed myself to sleep.
Ever since i've remembered that sentence several times a day, it's my first thought of him when i think of him and every time i wonder what i do that makes him think that? I must be responsible somehow, and i wonder over and over, is it how we started out? Is it because he hasn't seen scribblings and writings of torture and torment over him? Is it because i'm far away? Is it because i say it too much?
This feels like one of the very few battles i cannot fight. I don't think this is a battle meant to be fought...
I can only hope that if i keep being me, he will get it one day...
His response to this post was: "you should give me more credit"
What does that even mean?
1 comment:
My best friend did that. She believed that she loved him. Those who really knew her, knew she never did. But because she could lie to herself so well, it's hard for her to think that other people can love genuinely now.
And it's O.K, because for a long time we can mistake so many stories for the truth, and we can see lights of a different color and say it's white because we can't handle, or we're too cautious to believe. It's O.K to do that because true feelings, almost automatically, prove themselves.
Or maybe that's just my optimistic take on it.
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