Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Insomniac

There were once
two friends of long
Tick and tock
they went everywhere together
and one day found they were bound
for the ever
Tick got sad
and tock got mad
and out of frenzy
they sang a song
tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock
through the night, and all day long
they never used to sing before
now it feels like someones waiting
counting, shouting, anticipating
and in their defence
they blame the sun
and say its always been this way
but imagine a life with no ticking tock
with no shorter distance
with no better way
imagine a life where you can just stay
imagine a life of "what the heck"
with no ticking tock breathing
down the bloody neck

I need to be at my desk in 4 hours and i cannot sleep.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The City Virus

Almost every time i leave work i get the same thought; what now?

Funny thing is; when i lived in France i hardly ever got this feeling. I lived alone amidst the Europeans and spent the better part of my time alone entertaining myself, walks, drives, shopping, restaurants, etc etc etc... I did most things alone.

There is something eerily restless about having 70 million people around and having no urge to initiate activity.. like having 76 channels and finding nothing to watch...

I'm not even restless, i am just absolutely unstimulated by anything other work and home, there is nothing else i want to do...

What exactly is this phenomena?

Sunday, May 13, 2007


So i walk out of the place where i had been retreating for the weekend. I had just spent two days doing yoga, breathing techniques, meditating and listening to people's experience while they meditated and saw colors and fireworks (non of which happened to me) and actually hearing a man flutter in his place while he transcended and i resisted my temptation (several times) to break my mantra and open my eyes to watch him shake in his state of pure consciousness. It was my first weekend, after a three day course i took that ended Wednesday, i spent the weekend with around 40 people who had been meditating anywhere between decades to days.
I watched videos of lectures about knowing the self, experiencing the silence, being in the state of pure consciousness that is floating in what new physics now claims is the unified filed of all things.
Finally all the whacko stuff i believed in seems to have been scientifically proven and aligned with all religions!
As i am a new meditator (that is what they called me through out the weekend), i have been forewarned that the first stages of practicing this technique are turbulent. I was told i might experience mood swings, irritations, sadness, laughing, crying, etc etc etc...
Cockily, i was sure i wouldn't. Most of the people i know who had taken this course and started meditating are my friends from years, i knew them then, and know them now, and nothing that has been "revealed" to them was news to me. I knew i knew more than they did in their new state of awareness as i have been a dedicated reader of anything that has to do with the secret of being. Cocky, arrogant me was quite sure that the weekend would be quite the smooth sail.
So, come this evening, when i have checked out of the hotel after the retreat to head home, the menady came to collect his parking fee even though i am parked next to the ter3a outside hotel territory, and then walks off, then i back out of my parking spot (patch of sand) directly into an iron pole. Ironically the pole is short enough for me to not see it in my rear view mirror, and tall enough for it to cause a severe dent in the bumper and truck of my almost brand new car.
I step out of the car, i see the damage, the menady comes back. Now even though i have just been told for two days plus, that me, the menady, the car and that pole are all the same thing. That being mad at the menday is being mad at the source and the unified field, that me being upset over something in the relative (i.e my car in this world) is shallow and unevolved, i tell the menady that he is useless and shoo him out of my face, and then i cry for twenty minutes over having bumped my car all by myself, literally having had an accident with the pole in the street.

My fellow meditators (friends) smile at me knowingly, pat my back, tell me to "let it out", and assure me this is very normal after the first weekend as i am going through "purification".
I want to scream that no, i am really crying because i have bumped my brand new car! But they gang up knowingly in their circle of support. I swallow my tears, get back into my wounded car, and drive off in my grey cloud.

I don't know what is worse, to admit that all these people who have turned themselves into guru's and commercialized a traditional treasure are right, or to admit that i was sobbing over a dent in my car for twenty minutes like someone had just died...

Sunday, May 06, 2007

In my Sleep

In my sleep i kept on dreaming
of passionate, softened faces,
then wild places, then one day me
now i dream of days of space
that sit there waiting to be filled
by this and that, by love and want,
by mind and will, by faces still
by replacements for the garbage
in the alleys of the mind
in my sleep i keep repeating:
"I shall not be color blind"

Oh brave souls; you have no fear
you forget the pain
and keep the memories crystal clear
you tear down houses
down to the brick,
and leave your spouses
try every day, just once more
contrary to wishful thinking;
life was never born a whore
In my sleep I sweat repeating;
“I shall stay from fear no more”

I shed my skin one more time,
I wreck my brain
And somehow, someway
I stay sane
Sporadic voices, erratic objects
Presume to mould my life like clay
Oh random things, how clever you
pretend to hold my life like glue
Oh random things, I don't believe
In my sleep I pant repeating:
"All you have to do is leave"

And the soul
it soars higher
and the mind doesn't fight me
every time i desire
and my body doesn't break
when the want in the night
is the want in the wake
So many years spent so lead
with poison flowing in the red
In my sleep i sleep repeating:
"all you need is in this bed"