Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Within & Beyond

He held my hand in silence, he sat with me in a dimly lit room, sat with me in the quiet nothingness and all he did was hold my hand. From time to time he moved his fingers over my palm, along the back of my hand, from time to time his hands left mine and went up my arm in the slowest of motions. We sat in that dim room for hours, maybe days, maybe even months, and all he did was hold my hand and soothe me in my own undisturbed stillness.
He didn't ask, because he knew, without my telling him he knew, he knew i was quiet because no words could tell just how doleful i was. He didn't ask because he knew, that had i had anything to say, i would've said. He didn't console because he knew that all my path was chosen, and remorse was not with us in this room. He didn't wonder, becuase he knew, that today was just a chapter in a long story that leads to here for a while.
I'd sleep and wake with my hand enrapped in his, i'd toss and turn and he would stay, i'd sleep through nights and many days and he'd never leave my side. He'd inhale my sweat and listen to my breathing and share my silence, and with all his heart wish my illness away, in the same silence.
He didn't ask, because he knew that i was resting, that i had no answers, that i had no complaints; this was one of the winters of my life, and he knew that the sun would shine sooner if my time was not prolonged by cold hands and dry skin, by opened wounds and salts rubbed deep within.
He sat, he held, he stayed, he didn't talk, he just was, and that is all he needed to be.

And when after the longest time i got well, he smiled, he let go of my hand, and talked to me like i had never been anything but sunny, anything but sweet, anything but healthy, and he let me go again to be.
He made me, he saved me, he tortured and slayed me, and as i submit, again he saves me.
And as always just lets me be.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Personality Type

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Sunday, March 04, 2007


Something happened in the wee hours of the night, or this morning, not sure. A click, a sliding of gears into a fitting position, something snapped, and i can't put my fingers on it. At some point this weekend i understood that being in Egypt is a burden all on its own, a constant effort, forever a work in progress. I heard this snapping, and this time with curiosity i went to the source of it, i watched the gears churning till they reached their moment of rest, i watched as time took its toll, and realized that i had reached the place i am best at; passivity. What is so very good about this place is that it reeks of objectivity and is ideal for decision making, there are no forces swaying you anywhere and any choice you make from here is wholly and completely yours.

Can i refuse to be anyone but me, and refuse to be the me that i have always been?
Can i choose and pick and fix?
Can i channel water and seal off reservoirs of energy that leak into oblivion?
Can i mobilize my space so that no time is wasted away from those i love?

Today i can, tomorrow i will, because i have reached the mother of all objectivity; passivity.