Tuesday, October 20, 2009

4 days

I am signing off my single status on Friday. I am officially going to be a man's wife in 4 days.
For the past three months all I have done is work my ass off to put a house, honeymoon and wedding together. My hand bag has carried catalogs, magazines, wood samples, fabric samples, knob samples and handle samples, sporadically and sometimes all at the same time. I have made lists of people, items, food, gifts, dates, songs and lists of the lists themselves. I've gone through three notebooks and all the favors i have been offered. My finances have been stretched beyond anything i could ever imagine and any decision is only taken when the excel sheet of my life approves.
I have discovered in these three months that i am undoubtedly a nerd. My budget goes down to the towels and serving plates.
I have also discovered that i like olive green enough to paint a wall in it and furnish alot of my house in it. That i will not get along with my mother in law and that the best i can hope for is her not stopping our getting married before friday, and that brides are actually slaves/maids that wear themselves out completely by the time they get to the wedding date. And that the reason people have honeymoons is to recover from the pre-wedding slavery.

I am getting married on Friday. I do not comprehend it. Amidst this madness i got caught up in the details and forgot that huge fact.

Today while i was driving i realized that i am deciding to stop exploring the options of the world and am deciding to go through the world with this one companion, always.
I have decided that i need not try to search further, i am set.

These are big things to decide. Does one really decide these things consciously?
I think not. One meets someone, likes them, they get to know each other, they get to love each other, the good times outweigh the bad and one grows attached and things unroll smoothly till it is time to move forward. The excitement of the many festivities then overshadows any real thinking, and the rest just happens.
Till one day when you have an hour to yourself for the first time in months on your bachelorette trip while your friends are decorating the house for the big bash, and your wedding is two weeks away, you realize; you are marrying this person.

You realize the responsibility of the decision, and you do one of two things; brush it off as nerves and do not think about it, or actually revisit the idea if this is what you really want.

I want to say i did the latter, but i will not lie straight to your faces.

I brushed it off and put on my hot top and went downstairs to play all these fun violating games and then went dancing all night with my girlfriends and drank so many kinds of alcohol its a wonder i have any recollection of that night at all. I had the most fun ever.

And then i went back home and fought with my fiance for 10 days straight. I think that was my way to try to push him away one final time from the damaged girl that i am. Try to see just how much he can take; i AM marrying him after all.

Two days ago we sat down and had the talk; should we really be doing this? If we have so much to fight about, should we really be getting married when everyone knows that things get worse after marriage?

"If i was still your best friend i would tell you not to go ahead with this, but i am not your best friend anymore, i am the man that loves you and wants to spend his life with you and i am telling you that marrying me is the right thing to do"

I laughed, we laughed. "Leap of faith it is then?" "Yes, leap of faith" he said.

It is idealistic to think that binding yourself to another person raised in a different house with a different family will work out for you. It is idealistic and downright naive. There is so much to fight about. "We do it this way", "but we do it that way!". So so naive.

But i think of our mornings in bed together to come.
I think of us watching a movie on our couch.
I think of coming home after a long day to a warm house and a man that is waiting to take me in his arms.
I think of the trips we are yet to take and the plans we are yet to make.
I think of our terrace with the view.
I think of the little things and i say what the hell? I'll be naive like everyone else and get married.
Eshme3na ana?

Wish me luck, i am getting married in 4 days....