Sunday, September 28, 2008

Inspired by a comment

"so you've got a soulmate..
and you've got a foreign passport,
and you've got a lover...--and u've actually fallen in love with a dutch sailor before? damn!!! what're the odds?!!!
and of course a job..and obviously a fatty bank account to go with all of that too.
and a loving family.
and you've got a curly hair that's a reddish hue --mmm what wouldn't I do to just smell it so deeply?
and you've got a beautiful brain and a free spirit.

I gotta say, ppl like u N make us think "just what the hell are we doing wrong?!!!", if only we knew, life would make a lot of sense to a lot of ppl. So just tell us, are u using The Secret or something? i.e; the law of attraction that is."

Now i have not been known to dwell on my misfortunes, and honestly this comment made me smile, because this is pretty much how i see my life...
However, in fear that all this stated above would leave people thinking that only good things happen to me and all people with bad things happening to them are bringing it on to themselves, i feel the need to set the record straight, even if no one will care.

So Innate, here goes:
My father died when i was six
We had very little money growing up, and all the money we had went into our schooling
I spent the first two years of my professional life in the same pair of jeans and few t-shirts, i couldn't shop on my pay check and most of my friends are millionaires (from that pricey schooling i got)
My bank account is not fat, it is quite slim, everything i own i bought myself, and will continue to furnish my new home off my own paycheck, and pay off my car from there as well
My mother who is my best friend in the whole world and loves me more than life has a terminal disease, and i live every second of the day in fear of how the next second will be like for her, and how i will go on without her
My lover lives with the grey cloud that surrounds us as a result of her illness, even though you are right there, he is the light and warmth through these tough desperate days
I work my ass off in a job that i commute for an hour and a half to get to
I fell in love with a dutch sailor that broke my heart many times over many months, he was my recovery from the love of my life that betrayed me, and the man i fell back on to recover from my dutch sailor induced heartache, turned out to be married after being with me for a year.
I have been on a diet for the past 6 weeks losing the 10K's i have struggled with all my adult life.
And my hair isn't naturally red.

But because of that beautiful brain, and free spirit that god has blessed me with and you have so kindly attributed to me, i choose to see that my life is full of character building experiences, and rewarding relationships. If you choose to do the same, you too will have people wondering what the hell they are doing wrong. You too will have people assuming that you have it all, and have never known hardship and loss.

And yes i did read the secret, and yes the laws of attraction theory is quite functional i think.

Oh, and i really cannot argue with the foreign passport thing!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Soul Mate

My soul mate got married last month. He had sent me photos of the castle he planned to book for the wedding a month before. He married a girl that loves him to the ends of the earth and grounds him and makes him happy.
Our last conversation was a few weeks before his wedding. He was having cold feet, he was panicking, he was asking me what if? for the hundredth time. He told me that he missed me, missed our fire, missed our few minutes on the mountains in the middle of nowhere.
He told me that he missed my eyes. My sweet eyes.
"What if?" he told me, "what if we had given it a try?"
"It would've worked out" i told him. "I would've loved you to no end, and i would've forgiven you your mistakes, and we would have lived like we will never live. And you would have given me consistent chest pains".
He laughed, we laughed.
"I have never felt like that since then. Why did we not go for it?"
And i go quiet, and i remind him, that it was him that did not go for it.
And he goes quiet, and then he says what he always says when we get to this point; "it was too much fire, it would not have worked, too much fire, i could not live like that, i need peace."
And i smile, what he calls my sweet smile. A smile that he says somehow combines my sadness and acceptance and my resolve to not be weak. I had long since learnt to smile instead of letting the heart ache well up and consume me.
And we talk on, for hours, for what must have been 4 or 5 hours, he plays me my song, unasked, and i laugh and cry all at the same time. And finally i tell him that i cannot talk anymore, i am too tired from all the emotions, and i wish him well with his wedding, and i wish him much happiness.

He then asks me if i am sad, and i say that no, i am the luckiest girl in the world, i am in love with a man who would walk through fire for me, and my soul mate that i will forever carry in my heart, feels the same.

My soul mate got married last month, yes i believe in soul mates, and that you're not necessarily meant to end up with them, and nor are you necessarily supposed to.

Monday, September 15, 2008


i miss him sometimes, i shouldn't, but i do, sometimes
i remember moments, like flashbacks, they come uninvited, and they warm my heart
just for a moment
i indulge in them sometimes, the memories
i figure they are mine forever, a part of me that i can't be expected to renounce
i think, what if?, sometimes
only very rarely, but sometimes i do
a walk, a meal, a touch, a moment
so many of them shared, and gone, for good
it's hard to let go, sometimes
it's hard to accept that what is gone is gone
it's funny, that even at my most reminiscent, i know that things can only be the way they are today
that even as i lay today with a love i would not give up for the world
a part of me still lingers behind
i miss him sometimes, i know that i shouldn't
but that's the choice i made when i walked away with love
i'll miss him, always, i know that i will
but i know i'd rather miss him, than be anywhere but here

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Other Woman

So the storm has passed, apologies were said, he got sick and i flew out to Dubai, all contributing to a much heated patch in the relationship. It's all fun and smiles and corny mush, all fabulous really, except for the fact that i need to give him a date of when i am going to have fitar at his mother's house...
His mother's house being the same house where i would have fitar with his mother, brother and sister, all at the same time.
Let's take this from the top. I have known my boyfriend since i was 19, which is 9 years now. My house is the kind of house where friends come and go, girl friends and guy friends and boyfriends. My mother has always been cool with my friends, and my guy friends have spent many a late night playing cards at our dining table, my current boyfriend included. And since he was my best friend forever before we hooked up, my mom has his number on her cell phone, he calls her to check up on her when i am out of the country, and she calls me on his cell phone when she needs to know that i'm ok but can't reach me on mine. My sister as well has taken to asking him for random stuff like picking out her laptop, downloading music, dropping stuff by his office for her, etc etc. so you get the picture, my boyfriend is completely in with my family, he is as much a part of the family as my girlfriends since kindergarten. He has it made.

Now his family, is not quite the same. His mom is much more on the conservative side than my family is. I have never been to his house, girl friends don't just hang out over there. My relationship with this woman was strictly limited to messages through him of say hi to N, tell N hamdella 3al salama, tell her i am praying for her cousin, etc etc. Warm sentiments have been going back and forth between me and her in the third person for nearly a decade. Her warm spot for me really took shape when he broke off his engagement and i was there to pick up the pieces till he was back on his feet. Up until last month i had never even seen the woman, until alas, after much dodging and loitering on my part, i had to meet her. She finally put her foot down and insisted she sees the girl who was backstage for years and has now taken the leading role in her sons life. And met her i did. She disappointed my preconception of her being strict and uptight from the second she hugged me hello. She was bubbly, giggly, warm, affectionate and sweet. We got along very well and really it was much less of an ordeal than i thought it would be.

And now she wants me to come over for fitar. With the rest of the family.

Where i will walk in to the house embarrassed, shy and fumbling with my clothes or hair. Where i will not know where to sit until i am told to be seated. Where i will not know whether to help out in the kitchen or if that would be intrusive. Where i will not know if i should eat too much to compliment her cooking or eat too little to show that i am not a cow. Where i will not know what to bring, if bringing something is offensive, or bringing nothing is ill mannered. Where i will not know what to do with myself after food, or when would be a good time to leave. Too early? Too late?

Why oh why must i go through this getting to know the mother process at all?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Deal Breakers

The first fight. The first BIG fight. We have not spoken today, this is the first day in six months and half that we have not spoken.
I was harsh, of course, but i was also right. He is silent, a deadly silence.
We have fought about our deal breaker. Every relationship has a deal breaker. Something that if you can't both reach some common ground on, will ruin the relationship.
I had my first bursting point today. I am not very eloquent when angry, and i was angry.
Well at least he sent me a text to make sure i got home ok...

Now we are both supposed to be together at this thing at ten, and it's 8:45. Am i supposed to call? But if i call that means i softened first, and if i soften first that means i didn't mean the things i said! Might even mean that i'm sorry! And i did mean everything i said.
No, calling is not an option.
So what to do? Do i just go without him? Without telling him i'm going?
But that's so weird... Never done that before... We usually talk like ten times a day.. What if he calls when i am already out? I will have disregarded him and went anyway, without calling...
That's not nice...

But i don't really want to see him if he thinks he's upset over what i said. I can't handle the tantrum over what is simply factual.

Uuuurrrggggghhhhhhhhh... it really is easier being single.