Thursday, January 10, 2013

(1949 - 2012)

Hi Mommy,

Its taken me two weeks and a day to dare to try to talk to you... I really don't know what to say. I keep going over it again and again in my head. The whole four and a half years since we found out you had stage four lung cancer. The shock. The bleak prognosis. The frenzy of doctors. I keep going over every medicine choice we made, I made, for you really did leave it up to me every time. I keep going over every symptom, every new development, your depression the first six months, the chemo, the operation, the two good years on the pills, the new symptoms, was I blind to the progression? In my eternal fight to keep you alive did I turn delusional on you and strip you of the right to be dying? I go over when we found out it had spread to the liver, you were very upset then, you didn't say it but you knew, it was the beginning of the end. Less than one year later and you are gone. I keep questioning every decision.. were we wrong to take that chemo? Were we wrong to have taken those new pills? Did that doctors fuck up kill you? Could the doctor we asked not to get again have saved you from the water drowning your lungs? Did we let them give up too fast?

I keep going over the last year. The journey from walking to walking stick to wheel chair. The constant fever. The weight loss. The dramatic heartbreaking weight loss. How did I not see this as your very final days? Part of me knew.. I would see your rib cage for the first time in my life and cry myself to sleep in my husbands arms. "Mommy is dying" I would tell him, and he would tell me not to say that, to enjoy that you are with us still, to not give up hope. So I would kid myself some more, and smile in your face. And two weeks before when you told me you felt the end was near... I forbade it, forbade you to talk like that, to think like that. Oh how i regret that now, regret that i denied you the right to be afraid, to be weak, to be scared... I couldn't handle it, i was selfish, I couldn't bear the thought of you thinking you were dying, fearing death, when there is nothing i could do about it. I hated most of all that there was nothing more i could do about it. I willed this disease away every day. Every birthday my only wish was that you would be with me the next one. Every day all i wanted was to hear that you felt a bit better. But there was nothing i could do about it...

I can't understand your timing. I knew you wanted to live, you always said you wanted to live... Did you wait for me to come stay with you those last two months so you wouldn't be alone? Did it make it easier me being in the next room for the first time in years? Did you go because you knew i couldn't handle you and the baby at the same time? Why did you go mommy? You wanted to stay, i know you did, you said you did... When did you decide it was time to let go?

I will never forget you leaving the house that horrid friday to the hospital, carried on a chair, barely able to breathe. The dark circles around your eyes that i had never seen before that terrified me. I will never forget you telling me "matez3aleesh" and holding my hand.. "just have a healthy baby" and blowing me a kiss from the car. You knew this was our goodbye, you knew and i knew, and i burst into tears telling them not to let you die... I will never understand the forces that would make me bed ridden to keep this baby from being born 6 weeks early so i could not see you those last few days at the hospital, the same force that kept me from taking your 3aza. I will never know what made me come to the hospital that last day, despite the doctors instructions. I will never forget your pain that last day. Your chest unable to breathe, words slurring out your mouth, the oxygen you couldn't be without. I will never forget the second I realized that you were dying, and that dying would be better for you than this. I will never forget that moment when i realized we lost this battle, you and I lost this battle.

I wanted to tell you, don't hold on for me. Go mommy if it's too hard, go. I will never forget the one smile you gave me that day when i put your hand on my belly and asked you if i should go give birth and come back? If that would make you better? I will never forget you saying "3ayza ashoofo wanna kwayesa". You broke my heart mommy, cause i knew then that that day would never come.

I will never forget leaving the hospital that night, with a heavy heart, but leaving nonetheless, cause i knew i could not be there if you died. I could not watch it. It would have killed me.
I will never forget my husbands phone ringing at 5:45am, and my sisters name showing on the screen. I will never forget my husband taking me in his arms as he told me you passed away. I will never forget uncovering your face, blanket first then sheet, to see a face that is tired, yellow and hollow. Such a sick and beaten up face. Oh mommy what you must have gone through to hold on for so long.

I am so lost in this pain mommy, so lost. I dream of cancer every night. I dream that you are sicker and sicker, i dream that you are in so much pain, that you are crying. I cannot imagine a word where we don't talk every morning, evening and night. Where i don't come to you every saturday, where we don't swim together on our annual vacation for 28 years now. I can't imagine a world where you wont see my son, born just four days after you died. Four days.... I can't believe you missed him by just four days... I can't imagine a world without your love, and your friendship. And i can't help but feel responsible.. you did let me make all the medical decisions... I can't help but feel like i should have done more, spent more time with you, let you talk more, hold you more.... I was so afraid to hug you at the end... you were so fragile, so frail, i was afraid i would hurt you, or i would realize your were dying and break down crying... I only ever cried the one time in front of you.. when you left the house and we both knew you weren't coming back.

I miss you mommy... i miss you so much.. and I can't stop going over all this, I can't help but feel like it's my last thing to hold on to, before i lose you forever.

I miss you mommy, and it feels like i will miss you forever...

Rest in peace, you were the best person i knew, and the best mother in the world.

I love you, always.