Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The World is a Vampire

It is. It really really is.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

When you count in weeks...

7 weeks and 2 days. It's really only the size of bean but it has majorly taken over my life. Utter and complete exhaustion, bouts of anxiety, alternating sleepiness and sleeplessness, rapid weight gain and hormones on fire, what my husband refers to as "harmonica" - think pms factored by multiples.
7 weeks and 2 days at a time when the country has decided to officially go to hell...such little else matters :)

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

The plain band

I used to dream about having a plain band on my finger. It wasn't really associated with the thought of a man, just the idea of a bond so profound, that i would carry a simple plain band honoring it, with me every where i went. All powerful in its significance and wrapped around my finger. A sign to the world that i am spiritually bound to someone, out there. That there is someone in my life somewhere that they could never be closer to me than. That there was someone out there that knew me like no one else could, knew me naked, knew me vulnerable and knew me strong. I have always been fascinated by the implicit weight of the meanings associated with that band. My band especially. I just always knew when i wore one, it would carry so many meanings.

Now that i wear my plain gold wedding band, there is only one other band that trumps the significance of mine. His. That manly white gold band that stays on his finger day in and day out has become even more heavily invested than mine. It is the single thing he carries with him that carries all the things i am to him. Everything i know i feel for him. All my affection and worry, all my hopes and desires, all my need and want, all my trust and respect. It is a single band of continuity saying only one thing: i carry you with me no matter, as you allow me to carry you.

Nothing is more fascinating in its simplicity, than a plain wedding band.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Friday morning banter

Today i woke up with this incredible urge to move forward, and a true sense of who i am and how i want to spend my days on this earth. I would love to travel, i would love to own a book shop or a furniture shop, i would love to write a book and i will always love the day more than the night. I would love to have music in my life often, and silence on demand. I would love to love my car and i would love to spend more time with the people i love. A true appreciator of the simple things, this is really who i am. I know that when my time is my own again i will try to do as many of these things as i can. I hate the corporate life, i do. So I will do it as conveniently as i can for as long as i can: without traffic, doing something i like, making as much money as possible till i can break free to do something i love. That was always the plan, but its nice to reinforce it. I am going back to bed.

Monday, March 19, 2012

The grateful list

I am down in the dumps. Riding a hate wave for my boss, heart broken over my mothers non stop battle with cancer and frustrated at the lack of joy in my life. I am down in the dumps with a bad throat ache as well. Squeezing myself to pay off the end of my debts, and juggling a million tasks to help the people around me, i am in a down, in a rut.

I am told that when you are this down you should count your blessings. I have tried everything else, so i might as well try this...

- My husband: who made me soup today before he went to work so i wouldn't have to cook while sick, who holds me every single night and talks to me about life and death and cancer and wipes my tears several times a week, with consistent patience. My husband is blessing number 1, 2 and 3.
- My friends: i have the most amazing friends, sisters, who have helped me raise hundreds of thousands of pounds for my mothers treatment, who have been with me and beside me all my life. They are always just a phone call away, unconditionally. I have four girls that are always just a phone call away.
- My home: i have a gorgeous, vibrant, sunny two bedroom apartment with a beautiful view. I love it, it has become my home.
- My job: though i really hate it at the moment, is a 15 minute drive away without traffic, with good pay and health insurance and a lot of great people to work with and solid on my resume. My job minus my boss is a blessing.
- My weight: I am only 8 kilos overweight. I choose to reposition this as a blessing as positioning it as a curse seems to not be working at all. 8 kilos to be done with by the summer. It is a blessing they are no more than 8.
- My writing: i have recently taken 2 writing courses that have put the hope back in me. With more courses and hard work i can actually realise my dream, it actually can happen one day.
- My summer home: by May 2013 i will have my own summer home (apartment) on the beach. 95m2 with a sea view that belong to me! By 2014 i will have a cream, beige and blue apartment to spend all my summer weekends in. That is surely a blessing.
- My love for life: surely i will snap out of this horrid mood soon......

I think it may have worked a little.....