Thursday, August 31, 2006

Is this Just Me?

I wake up next to you
and cuddle up to you
separately intended, we wouldn't
and we know that in principle we shouldn't
We know that this threatens the bliss of this
The reassurance that we will end, and we are free
But we steal the affectionate moment together, however.
I step off the boat
and let my thoughts float
I know that I love you and that I don't want you-
beyond the daily recurring want of now
But knowing aside, what if you loved me -
beyond the everyday morning in abstract?
What if you showed a desire for tomorrow?
Would I still feel so good in your arms?
Would your smile still fill me with warmth?
Would we still laugh and play with such passion?
Would I miss you as much as I will when you leave?
Will you be any different to all those I left once they loved?

Dear Force

I want to want the things that are good for me

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Yes I do cherish my freedom, and yes I do want to keep my options open, and no I don't think love is built on bonds and promises, I don't think it's bound at all, and guarantees make me laugh.
And no I don't want to settle down, and yes I do feel rushed, and I don't care if we kissed, that doesn't mean that I have stepped into a committed relationship, and I don't care if you're a worrier, deal with it and sort yourself out.
And no, three weeks are not enough for decisions, and no you cannot be a part of my every second in France, and I will not succumb under pressure and guilt tripping and apologize for not being 20 anymore and dropping all my plans at the first glimpses of a potential love....
No I wont unlearn every lesson picked up along the way...
and I'm not sorry, for needing my time, for having an adults pace, for holding on to my independence for dear life, if you cannot grow up then I am NOT sorry.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Most Unbearable Urge

To live my life chasing dreams instead of risking actually making one come true...

Monday, August 28, 2006

Testing Me

The road is turning, again... and this time it will be fierce, and this time i will have to make choices, big ones, and i wont have the luxury of changing my mind, i wont have the freedom of making mistakes willingly. This time i will have to relinquish control.....
The fear of boredom and the vanity must be tamed, the preached faith will be tested and the self protective hence destructive walls must be hammered down to reconcile with the liberty i used to know. Just when you get used to a curvy, bumpy, dodgy road, the road turns again...
This time i will have to grow up... i am 26 after all... right?

Monday, August 21, 2006


And in the dysfunctional arms of Egypt i find my home....
Can the self be so complex in its versatility?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Witnessing Waste

I see your eyes devour me
Thirst upon thirst
Inhaling the moment
Losing the words you render different
Thirst upon thirst
A build up from this same day one last turn
I watch your nerves fail you
I hear your tongue ail you
I feel my impatience surface to hail you
I know how you feel
Your pain is that you knew me feeling what you feel
The way you stutter gives you away
You are still lost and bound
You are still alien to any road found
away from the day when we were the world
I watch as your fingers pensively weigh out the finding of mine
I cannot console you
For years now I scold you
From guilt I've already hurt and bestowed you with words of stone
May you leave our memory alone
I've begged and I've burst
Your unquenched thirst
Your never ending favor asked
To momentarily visit the past
And now as I join those who just leave
I watch as your water trenches your sleeve
I curse your loyalty
I hate your love
You fill me with gloom
Thirst upon thirst
My youth spells out your doom

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I had almost forgotten

Today I was on the phone with our Quality Control Manager in Cairo, he is my mentor and I adore the guy, he trained me for this job and sees me through almost every sticky work situation, which is really very frequent.
While hanging up he asked me when my flight was, I said Saturday morning isa, and he replied in a deep profound voice "la illah ila allah", and in that one line I sensed his concern for my safety and well being, his genuine care that I make it safely back home. He said it with feeling, with compassion, with brotherly love.

With all these bashings on Islam, all this violence and anger, and my distance from everyday cultural reminders, his words instantly filled me with peace and a thankfulness for being a muslim, however non-conventional of a muslim I may be.

When did we forget about the moderate people who know better?


There's a post on every blog, an article on every web page, an opinion on everyone's lips and the undertaker is still counting... What's the use? What is the use?
Yesterday the conversation drifted to the topic, is it really worse than ever? Or is it just because the media is sharper and we just happen to be here...
Someone pointed out that between both world wars this century over 60Million were killed...I looked it up, 65M killed, 45M injured.... Why does this still feel worse? My thoughts present several possible answers, because it's not a declared war between countries, because hypocrisy and racism taint it, because I just happen to be here watching this one, because it's repetitive and endless..

Repetitive and endless..... frustrating and hopeless..... I can't remember who started, the facts are from so long ago they are bordering on legend now, I don't see it ever ending and somewhere along the way I caught the contagious mis channeled hatred.
Now I am truly hateful, of once being conditioned, of the situation, of these emotions. I am hateful of being hateful.

Yesterday as I smsed a friend in Beirut to check up on her, my foreign friends asked me what I thought, and I told them I'm just tired of all of them, of Israel and the west's subjectivity, narcism and covetousness, the Arab leaders refusal to take a look at their own and offer their people the hope of an educated mind, a body not afraid to fall ill, a spirit that can say it had one day known respect, of extremists redefining violence in the name of Islam, they ought to shave their beards and shame themselves instead of an entire race and region, they have long since lost the point.

I honestly don't know who is more to blame, and am too tired of placing blame.

Interrupting my sleep

Tigers, fires, heights, damnation, reproach, screams, wails, winds, entrapment, estrangement and the breaking down of loved ones.
My subconscious is angry with me.

What have I done now?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A Subsidiary of Love for the Insane

Yesterday I went out for dinner with T, we met up at our bar and drove 5mins to this retro restaurant/bar on the beach just out of town, we'd never been there before (town does that to you).
My mood was initially pleasant, his mood lifted up from bored/tired to smiley when we walked in to loud dancy music and an almost full restaurant. He's a Gemini, break his routine, give him a new place and a lively atmosphere and its like a light's been switched on.
The reason me and T are out for dinner is officially that T is spending time with me before I go home for 3 weeks, the real reason is that T has reached a point where he is bored with everyone else and for him I am the best company he can manage at the moment. I know this and I don't mind, I know T too well to mind. After we discuss if we are having rose or red, the waiter brings over the wine list on a huge black board, T's phone rings and it's K, I look to T for help as he rambles away in that incomprehensible language of his and the critical look very clearly expresses his wonder that I cannot manage to order the bottle of rose without aid, so I go ahead and pick one which I never usually do as I am always with older more alcoholicly experienced people than myself.
It seems T is happy, he hangs up, smile taking over his face like an 8 year old.
Me: Good news?
T: Wonderful news!
Me: What is it??? Tell me!
T: I'm out of here!
Me: Elaborate please.
T: That was K (K is lovely older friend from same origin as T and lives close by), I had told him to keep an eye open for opportunities for me, you know I need to get out of this place, so he just told me there might be something in St.Martin for me.
Me: St.Martin? (giving him the look of where the hell is that? I was a science major and almost failed geography look that he is so familiar with now)
T: Caribbean (smile now beaming and making the 80's neon lights look dim in comparison)

I started laughing at his sheer excitement, asked for details, he said he didn't know and that K was coming to tell us all. I asked him about the current project, his "baby", he said he would go nowhere before that was finished. "This starts in November baby, it's probably a seasonal job".

Now I am a female, and any female will know that part of being that is the ability to have a full alert conversation with someone while having a completely different conversation in your head.
T of course, had no idea that I had just in my head let my heart drop just a little at the thought that he might be "out of here" instantly, reminded myself that he had already had plans to leave in December, felt my heart lift (again just a little) when he confirmed that his project must be finished first so he wont leave before November, made the math that that will give us a few months still, remembered that if T proposed right now I would say no and that I never had or wanted to have future plans with T, and started thinking whether or not it really is time for me to think about moving on too...

T: I'm sorry baby, it's all I can think about, I'm so excited
Me: I know (smiling too), I'd be the same, is K coming here?
T: Yes he's on his way, with all the answers.

We started eating.
T: It's been a wonderful year baby, but it's time to move on
Me: I know, you're done with this place
T: I'm so over France, and I am definitely over the Cote d'azure, and I really hate town now
Me: I know, it's no place to stay, you have to have really thick skin to not let this place get to you
T: So what are your plans of getting out of here?

We discuss that for a while, my dreams, my work, where I want to go next, home, and then K shows up.

And the next hour is spent with the three of us discussing the offer and T watching me (being the skeptic that I am when it comes to the business world) ask all the questions that he overlooked in his excitement, and looking at me with absolute love for being so meticulous for him. Another hour and three bottles of rose later the conversation moved to me.

K: So what will you do if he takes it?
Me: me?
K: Yes, will you go too?
Me and T shake our heads no at the same time.

Note: K has seen me 3 times, all of which me and T where in an especially amicable mood together, so I am assuming he like many others thinks that we are very much in love and get along like a house on fire all the time.

K: Why?!?!
Me: I have my own dreams to follow (me smiling and T beaming at my perfect answer)
K: And what about him?
Me: I just want him to be happy
K: He wont be happy without you

To this I had to laugh out loud, and T is not taking his eyes off me.

Me: Oh he'll be happy, and I'll come visit, check up on him from time to time.

T kissed my hand, and K looked at me like I was a mad woman.

K: You're a very strange couple.
T: We're good. (smiling very proudly now)

T gets up to use the rest room, and as expected K turns to me.

Me: You must think I'm wierd
K: I do actually, so what are your plans?
Me: Me?
K: You and him!!!!
Me: we don't have plans, we never have.
K: Why?
Me: We're too different
K: How so?
Me: I need more, I know what I need, and I need more.
K: What do you need?
Me: I need someone who knows that love is freedom.
K: That will come with time
Me: No, it never will
K: But that's the challenge
Me: It should never be the woman's challenge
K: Don't you think you'll regret?
Me: (after a second of double checking) No
K: How?
Me: Not everything is worth fighting for.

T had come back, held my hand and started giggling with me and asking me in whispers what I thought of the offer, K looked at us both like we were insane.

T and K started talking boats in Dutch, and I tuned out and watched the waves recalling everything I'd said that night and making sure that yes I had meant every word. And I couldn't help smiling; who the hell was this girl? Was I really so aware of what I wanted and what I didn't? Was I really so self protected and detached? Did i really have so much control over how I felt? Did I really love T in such a way that I could happily watch him go and just turn a new page with only happy memories to look back at? Had I really changed that much?
I looked at my phone, I remembered G, and the urge to call surfaced once more. I reminded myself to not get too arrogant, if this had been the man I loved this would have been a different post.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

For the relief of unbearable urges

I came across this book years ago, the title grabbed me and later I discovered it was a book about the suffering of Israeli's in settling in their new country. The book in my humble opinion, was crap, and i don't remember finishing it.
But the title... I never forgot that title, it talked to me, it hit home (though i failed to see how it had anything to do with the book's content).

I always get unbearable urges, I always have and I am pretty sure I always will.
With unyielding passion, the need to always be outwardly composed, and the very true reality that when it comes to my desires I have very little self discipline, I find myself often looking for a way to still these urges. I find myself very often looking for their relief. Being both wild and conscientious, spontaneous yet a control freak, is a full time occupation, and often you have to be innovative to keep your mind and soul at peace.

I have always had three outlets for my urges; nightmares, sports and writing.
Nightmares are always outlets for grief, mourning, and the worst of all; anger. When I am wronged I don't fight back, I walk away and have nightmares, anyone who has ever heard me relay a nightmare thinks I should seek professional help, they are twisted and spiteful at best, bloody and violent usually, distorting and heart wrenching more often than not, and usually come in phases when I am unwell and I can only escape them by becoming an insomniac. I remember a time a few years ago when I used to be afraid to go to sleep.
Insomnia is no solution, as the zombie state is not very appealing and looking over my work to find that I almost lost my job for my inability to concentrate is stress I can do without, so I remember that sports wear you out, and then I remember that I like sports, and do a bit of that for a while till its all ok again and sleep comes undisturbed.

Now writing, you all write, you all know what it's about it. It happens to be my healthiest, most consisten, most effective and favorite outlet for these forever battled urges:
The urge to scream and curse
The urge to return the hurtful words three fold
The urge to make that phone call even though it is over
The urge to act upon jealousy
The urge to take a train to Spain
The urge to kiss him then and there
The urge to give in to the monsters in my head
The urge to walk away when the conversation is just too frustrating
The urge to pack up and go home
The urge to quit the job
The urge to drive into that car that just cut me off and scraped my door
The urge to give in to emotions and throw common sense to the wind

The urge to act in a way that you know will do you no good.

I don't really have a point.... I just really like that title.


I pour my longing into you
How it could be
How it should be
How i want my world to be
I find peace in everything else
and decant my hunger unto you


Humans should not be capable of this.
Stop the violence, just STOP IT!