Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A Subsidiary of Love for the Insane

Yesterday I went out for dinner with T, we met up at our bar and drove 5mins to this retro restaurant/bar on the beach just out of town, we'd never been there before (town does that to you).
My mood was initially pleasant, his mood lifted up from bored/tired to smiley when we walked in to loud dancy music and an almost full restaurant. He's a Gemini, break his routine, give him a new place and a lively atmosphere and its like a light's been switched on.
The reason me and T are out for dinner is officially that T is spending time with me before I go home for 3 weeks, the real reason is that T has reached a point where he is bored with everyone else and for him I am the best company he can manage at the moment. I know this and I don't mind, I know T too well to mind. After we discuss if we are having rose or red, the waiter brings over the wine list on a huge black board, T's phone rings and it's K, I look to T for help as he rambles away in that incomprehensible language of his and the critical look very clearly expresses his wonder that I cannot manage to order the bottle of rose without aid, so I go ahead and pick one which I never usually do as I am always with older more alcoholicly experienced people than myself.
It seems T is happy, he hangs up, smile taking over his face like an 8 year old.
Me: Good news?
T: Wonderful news!
Me: What is it??? Tell me!
T: I'm out of here!
Me: Elaborate please.
T: That was K (K is lovely older friend from same origin as T and lives close by), I had told him to keep an eye open for opportunities for me, you know I need to get out of this place, so he just told me there might be something in St.Martin for me.
Me: St.Martin? (giving him the look of where the hell is that? I was a science major and almost failed geography look that he is so familiar with now)
T: Caribbean (smile now beaming and making the 80's neon lights look dim in comparison)

I started laughing at his sheer excitement, asked for details, he said he didn't know and that K was coming to tell us all. I asked him about the current project, his "baby", he said he would go nowhere before that was finished. "This starts in November baby, it's probably a seasonal job".

Now I am a female, and any female will know that part of being that is the ability to have a full alert conversation with someone while having a completely different conversation in your head.
T of course, had no idea that I had just in my head let my heart drop just a little at the thought that he might be "out of here" instantly, reminded myself that he had already had plans to leave in December, felt my heart lift (again just a little) when he confirmed that his project must be finished first so he wont leave before November, made the math that that will give us a few months still, remembered that if T proposed right now I would say no and that I never had or wanted to have future plans with T, and started thinking whether or not it really is time for me to think about moving on too...

T: I'm sorry baby, it's all I can think about, I'm so excited
Me: I know (smiling too), I'd be the same, is K coming here?
T: Yes he's on his way, with all the answers.

We started eating.
T: It's been a wonderful year baby, but it's time to move on
Me: I know, you're done with this place
T: I'm so over France, and I am definitely over the Cote d'azure, and I really hate town now
Me: I know, it's no place to stay, you have to have really thick skin to not let this place get to you
T: So what are your plans of getting out of here?

We discuss that for a while, my dreams, my work, where I want to go next, home, and then K shows up.

And the next hour is spent with the three of us discussing the offer and T watching me (being the skeptic that I am when it comes to the business world) ask all the questions that he overlooked in his excitement, and looking at me with absolute love for being so meticulous for him. Another hour and three bottles of rose later the conversation moved to me.

K: So what will you do if he takes it?
Me: me?
K: Yes, will you go too?
Me and T shake our heads no at the same time.

Note: K has seen me 3 times, all of which me and T where in an especially amicable mood together, so I am assuming he like many others thinks that we are very much in love and get along like a house on fire all the time.

K: Why?!?!
Me: I have my own dreams to follow (me smiling and T beaming at my perfect answer)
K: And what about him?
Me: I just want him to be happy
K: He wont be happy without you

To this I had to laugh out loud, and T is not taking his eyes off me.

Me: Oh he'll be happy, and I'll come visit, check up on him from time to time.

T kissed my hand, and K looked at me like I was a mad woman.

K: You're a very strange couple.
T: We're good. (smiling very proudly now)

T gets up to use the rest room, and as expected K turns to me.

Me: You must think I'm wierd
K: I do actually, so what are your plans?
Me: Me?
K: You and him!!!!
Me: we don't have plans, we never have.
K: Why?
Me: We're too different
K: How so?
Me: I need more, I know what I need, and I need more.
K: What do you need?
Me: I need someone who knows that love is freedom.
K: That will come with time
Me: No, it never will
K: But that's the challenge
Me: It should never be the woman's challenge
K: Don't you think you'll regret?
Me: (after a second of double checking) No
K: How?
Me: Not everything is worth fighting for.

T had come back, held my hand and started giggling with me and asking me in whispers what I thought of the offer, K looked at us both like we were insane.

T and K started talking boats in Dutch, and I tuned out and watched the waves recalling everything I'd said that night and making sure that yes I had meant every word. And I couldn't help smiling; who the hell was this girl? Was I really so aware of what I wanted and what I didn't? Was I really so self protected and detached? Did i really have so much control over how I felt? Did I really love T in such a way that I could happily watch him go and just turn a new page with only happy memories to look back at? Had I really changed that much?
I looked at my phone, I remembered G, and the urge to call surfaced once more. I reminded myself to not get too arrogant, if this had been the man I loved this would have been a different post.


Sand-E Sez said...

“I need someone who knows that love is freedom”
That sentence encapsulates many of my thoughts and answers so many questions or doubts. You’ve managed to put it so well, incredibly simple and in your face. It hits home. Just like you think being in love gives you wings so too should the person you’re with. I think the secret to solving many women’s heartaches and anxiety can be relieved in the deep rooted understanding and firm belief that it is not their, place, right or duty to take on that challenge to love themselves enough to allow themselves that right. Of course it’s a lot easier said than done but good for you!

N said...

You know what the sad thing is? I had to learn this the very hard way, as do most women who are not born with an innate sense of self worth. The sadder thing is many women will never learn this, no matter how messed around with they get.

The good news is that i am not the only idealistic person here :)

Shooting Star said...

"as do most women who are not born with an innate sense of self worth."
yes,yes and yes!

"The sadder thing is many women will never learn this, no matter how messed around with they get."

true, true, and true!

"The good news is that i am not the only idealistic person here :) "

good for you dear N

Herlock Sholmes said...

How can anyone be over France?

Elsede3' said...

i really hav this greaaaaaat depression after reading ur blog
i dunno y, havnt got a clue

N said...

el sede3': ya sater ya rab, not intended!!

Herlock: on one hand some people are never happy anywhere, on the other hand France (as i'm sure you know) can be quite tiresome.