Tuesday, March 31, 2009

4:00am terrors

I didn't know what that meant. I thought i did, but i didn't, not really.
I go to bed tired, having spread myself too thin across the various areas of my life that demand my full attention.
I go to bed exhausted from the decisions, responsibilities and the commute.
I go to bed to face the only time in the day when i am truly alone.
The weight on my chest fills into its full heaviness.
The pain in my shoulders from all the clenching becomes prominent.
The muscles of my face are tense from all the frowning.
I am alone with my thoughts.
I try to trick my mind into going elsewhere.
I am too tired to even do that, so i just close my eyes and hope for sleep.
And i start to feel the fear.
I feel it starting in the pit of my stomach and flowing slowly and steadily outwards stretching into every part of my body till it is all consuming and overtaking.
I am aware of the flow of my fear through my soul, and it scares me.
Fear itself scares me, i know what is coming.
I feel my nose tinkle with the warning of tears that need to be let out.
I will not cry. There will be no cracking of the dam.
I bite it back and will myself to sleep.
Out of sheer misery i sleep.
It is somewhere between 1 and 2am.
I dream, i dream that i am sick.
I dream that i will die.
I dream that worse things happen than what is actually happening.
I wake up traumatized and tired.
It is 4:00am.
I have had one hours sleep and nightmares that would grey the hairs of some.
I look forward to an hour of terror.
Where i contemplate getting up to sleep next to her to ease the pain.
Where i will try to comfort myself that it was just a dream, and remember reality, and remember that it is not that much better than the dream.
I start feeling that my heart might stop.
That i might not get through the night.
I wonder if dying would a solution.
I remind myself that i am happy by day, and that this is not rational.
I yearn for the day where i am not so afraid.
I wonder how i will get through the next few hours to sunlight, to safety.
It's 5:00am.
I know that sunlight is near.
I calm down enough to sleep.
I sleep.
I snooze the alarm 4 times and drag myself out of bed an hour late.
I have slept 4 hours in total, for the tenth day in a row.
Except for the weekends. I can sleep in on the weekends.
But it's ok, it's daytime, and i am good at the day time.
I can get through the day where my daily duties distract me from the pain.
I consider taking a valium at night before i sleep.
I discard that thought, as i discard the thought of therapy and many other thoughts.
If only i could get through the nights.
If only i could get through the nights.

Monday, March 23, 2009

First Times

At night in bed after he left my place and went back home, after i spent the weekend at the beach with my friends without him. I reach for my phone and start typing a text message...

"awel marra to3od 7adenny keteer kedda in silence..."

"i just wanted to enjoy taking you in my arms..."

"you've never done that before"

"yes i have"


"i can't remember habibi"

"it felt like the first time"

"that's because you miss me"

"i do"

"i miss you too love"

And then i went back in my memory to the many many times he held me for long intervals in silence. Can it really still feel like the first time?

It amazes me this falling in love with same person every once in a while, its like little leaps of emotion within the same emotion. I never thought it possible.

Friday, March 13, 2009


I dreamt of you last night. It was in an apartment crowded with people. My long since dead friend was sitting with my friends on a couch at the end of the room telling them stories of where she'd been and i was desperate to cross the room to her. But i couldn't, then i could, then i was back in my spot standing in the middle of the room. The ex i never loved was on my right making noise, calling out for attention, and i felt that same wave of annoyance of wanting him to just disappear. And then you called me, out of nowhere, and asked me how i was. I was civil, as i always am when abusive ex's call me. I was trying to tell you that now was not a good time to talk, i was thinking about crossing the room to my dead friend to finally get to see her, hear her, feel her presence, when you asked me to look to my left. Then i saw you, you were thin, and you were playing poker on the table with my fiance. He didn't seem to recognize you, or didn't realize that you were you, he just played the cards he was dealt, not bothered. Our eyes locked, and you were smiling. That over confident cocky warm affection smile. That smile that is so seemingly sincere and genuine, and i felt tricked all over again, and somewhat nauseous, how could i possibly get confused again about your intentions after all this time? And then i was on the couch next to her, and her voice was her voice, her very voice. And then i woke up.

And as i type this my itunes played on shuffle plays this song:

save a place for me
save a place for me
in your heart
in your heart
save a place for me
save a space for me
in your heart
in your heart
cause if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
save a place for me
save a space for me

The song i listened to over and over and over again when she died.
If only i believed in coincidences.

And the first thing i remembered from my dream was that you were thin. My fiance seems to think that is because i believe you just want to spite me.
He also thinks i need to see a shrink.