Friday, March 13, 2009

Dreams

I dreamt of you last night. It was in an apartment crowded with people. My long since dead friend was sitting with my friends on a couch at the end of the room telling them stories of where she'd been and i was desperate to cross the room to her. But i couldn't, then i could, then i was back in my spot standing in the middle of the room. The ex i never loved was on my right making noise, calling out for attention, and i felt that same wave of annoyance of wanting him to just disappear. And then you called me, out of nowhere, and asked me how i was. I was civil, as i always am when abusive ex's call me. I was trying to tell you that now was not a good time to talk, i was thinking about crossing the room to my dead friend to finally get to see her, hear her, feel her presence, when you asked me to look to my left. Then i saw you, you were thin, and you were playing poker on the table with my fiance. He didn't seem to recognize you, or didn't realize that you were you, he just played the cards he was dealt, not bothered. Our eyes locked, and you were smiling. That over confident cocky warm affection smile. That smile that is so seemingly sincere and genuine, and i felt tricked all over again, and somewhat nauseous, how could i possibly get confused again about your intentions after all this time? And then i was on the couch next to her, and her voice was her voice, her very voice. And then i woke up.

And as i type this my itunes played on shuffle plays this song:

save a place for me
save a place for me
in your heart
in your heart
save a place for me
save a space for me
in your heart
in your heart
cause if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
save a place for me
save a space for me

The song i listened to over and over and over again when she died.
If only i believed in coincidences.

And the first thing i remembered from my dream was that you were thin. My fiance seems to think that is because i believe you just want to spite me.
He also thinks i need to see a shrink.

11 comments:

poshlemon said...

If only I didn't believe in coincidences... but sometimes, bizarre things happen and there's no logical or scientific explanation, not even the usual pretext of coincidence. And, I start to wonder "what if it wasn't a coincidence, maybe it's something greater than me, larger than life, something my simple mind cannot fathom or understand". But, my voice of reason creeps back on me.

It's good you don't believe in coincidences... maybe, things just happen for a reason. Simply that.

I think we all need shrinks...

marooned84 said...

that was beautiful..

Horatio said...

The shrink would start by asking you if the thin man is the same one the gypsy woman was talking about...

N said...

Posh: i was just having a very similar conversation with my fiance over dinner last night about the struggle between common sense and faith. seems we all have the same coversations in our heads.

Maroon: many thanks

Horatio: the shrink would not ask that as the shrink would have the chronological order of these writings and would know that Crystal Ball was written in 2006

I do ofcouse see how you would think otherwise.

Horatio said...

I guess the Shrink would also have to know whether you knew the Thin Man in 2006.

Anyhow, great blog, I always enjoy it.

N said...

Horatio: are you a shrink? or are you just really concerned for my mental health?

Thank you for the concern and the compliment, do keep following.

Horatio said...

Neither a Shrink, nor concerned about your mental health.

Just a troll with lots of free time on my hands

N said...

lol. well maybe you should start up a blog of your own, they tend to take up alot of time in their early stages.

Horatio said...

I'd rather spend my time reading other people's blogs, easier on the fingers

gracefu( failure said...

"you were smiling. That over confident cocky warm affection smile. That smile that is so seemingly sincere and genuine, and i felt tricked all over again, and somewhat nauseous, how could i possibly get confused again about your intentions after all this time?"

God, if I didn't know any better I'd just say we once dated the same guy!!! lol

anyway,I DID enjoy reading this, I really like your style and I think I'll become a constant reader...

I think we all need shrinks as well :D

N said...

Graceful failure: (cool name btw)
did you find out your guy was married and with child(ren) after a year of dating you and having you believe he adored you to no end and was as faithful as a monk?
if yes then email me, we can compare notes :)