Tuesday, August 30, 2011


One of the things i am most grateful for in my relationships, is space. I always had it with my family. I was never grilled over where i was going or who i was with. I was never interrogated on my thoughts or actions. I was never asked why i was a certain way. Growing up i probably had a little too much space. I would spend weeks on end at friends houses. There are entire summers where i recall only seeing my mom when she came by to drop some fresh clothes. I grew up with lots of space.
My friends are very spacey people as well. Of course we used to be less spacey... we used to butt into every detail of each others lives. But over the years we managed to reach a phenomenal balance of solid long term friendships and space. A group of seven girls two of which are permanently living abroad, the youngest of these friendships is 19 years old. Yes, 19. Thats a lot of years to practice space. There are never guilt trips, or dramatic whining, or accusations. When feelings are hurt conversations are had or neatly pushed away under a rug, to be had one day or just discarded. But there is never a suffocating blame placing sulk or tantrum. We are all very grateful for this, and very bewildered at how any other kind of friendship is sustainable. Space is an amazing thing in relationships, when it is not a cover for disinterest or self absorption.

The most amazing of space in relationships of course, is the space i have found in marriage. By nature my husband and i are not the chatty sort. Him much more than me. I think he could go for weeks without feeling a need to speak. And when he does it would probably be to crack a joke, and then slip back into silence. I have never met a less demanding person. I think if we had not been friends for so long and had he not known me so well and thus felt so entirely comfortable expressing affection (in a mostly physical manner), he would have probably gone through life entirely self sufficient. He is all about the space. Space i appreciate so much. It is not only space to do my thing and see my friends and do my work. It is space in my head to be free. To change my mind about things, to explore horizons that were once unspeakable, to wander off in my mind to new places, to enjoy a freedom in my mind and soul knowing i do not have to always fit in a boxed perception of myself in his mind.
There is space in our perception of each other, that comes from a long standing history of having changed many times before, without really changing to each other.

Space is such a vital thing my peace of mind, i find.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I am home without him. He got a new job, a better job, and he works through the nights. This morning he walked in while i was getting dressed to leave for work, at 8:45am.
The bed is strange without him. We have a 2m x 2m bed. I love big beds, and we had this one designed especially. We had to tailor make sheets for it, it is a huge bed. Our mattress is 30cm thick. It is the most amazing bed.
I was recently asked if my perspective or views on life have changed after marriage...
I must say mine haven't, though i can see how many others might experience that.
Some things change... the dishes pile up faster, the house gets dirty easier in the suburbs, the supermarket isn't around the corner, i have to drive a very long way to see my mom, i have to struggle with the guilt of leaving my mom. Every day things change.
My views however, remain the same...

I still do not think a girl should marry a day before 27, you must have truly lived, traveled, partied, dated, loved and most importantly gotten to know yourself a little before you take on someone for good, or attempt to. I still think that if i had gotten married any earlier i would not be so settled the way i am now. Certain things need to be done before one can take on this kind of commitment.

I still think friendship and understanding are the two most important things to look for in a partner, you need someone you can talk to no matter, and someone who will cut you some slack. You don't want someone at your throat whenever you leave the lights on or need to work late or forget to call back. You want someone who will understand that you must have chocolate now, that you need to see and call your mother that often, and that you can't have the TV volume on an odd number. You need someone who wont be irritated easily, someone laid back and accepting of you.

I still think there are many kinds of love, there is the love of the idea, the possibility of the idea, the impossibility of the idea, the love of the man, the impossibility of the man and the possibility of the man. There is the love in lust, and the love in anguish. There is the painful love and the hopeless love. There is the delusional love and the safe love. I have long since given up on trying to define the love i feel for my husband at any given time, for it is impossible. All i know is that it is the most gentle love i have ever felt. When his hands touch my face i feel like i have gone home, a home i have wanted forever. I know this because when his hands are wrapped around me i have no desire to go anywhere else ever. I could just there with my eyes closed and dose in and out of sleep and know that there is nothing out there that i am missing out on. This is where my world is. I know that everything is better when he is with me. I know that every time i bury my head in his chest he will tell me or show me how much he loves me some way. He is my constant, my rock, my anchor. My best friend and my buddy. And on top of all that he thinks i'm hot and can't keep his hands off me and takes me out on dates. There are many kinds of love, and they are interchangeable.
I still think everyone should live alone for a while before they get married.
I still think France is beautiful, and i miss it painfully.
I still talk to God, though our conversations are kind of one sided these days.

Nothing has really changed, i just sleep better and do more around the house... not too bad for entering into an institute most people have horrible things to say about.

Maybe when the kids come....