Sunday, December 31, 2006

What Makes a Great Man?

When i was in my late teens i kept stumbling across the same remark from all the mothers of my friends, they were all variation of: "that girl will end up with a great man".
They were of course oblivious to my disastrous love life as i would've been banned from all of my friend's houses had they not been, however i assure you i have always had everything else in my life in order, they loved me and often looked at me with much emotion and that certainty that i would meet a great man.
Considering my dating record, even back then, i found these remarks comforting and accepted them as almost a given. If all these people say i will meet a great man then surely i must, my faith was near ridiculous, i didn't doubt them once.

When i hit 19, stuff happened, and out of nowhere i turned into this wild creature of curiosity.
I was going through my dating history with someone recently and he actually asked me: "what happened to Tom, Dick and Harry?" My answer was quite simple, never came across any of those, my answer should have been, i never chose any of those.
Now the clinch here is that as i was so sure i would meet a great man, i hardly ever doubted my choices, you see i was meant to meet a great man! And off i went choosing social misfits and retards, sailors and spoilt brats, and seeing only the things that made them great.

There were phases of course, the first was great because he dreamed, and he loved me utterly, many years later i understood he was full of shit and obsessive. The second was great because we were a team, we did everything as one person, many years later i understood that he was a parasite, and i was doing everything really, he just made it more fun by hanging around and being charming. So he was actually a great man for being charming? Yes yes, for a while at least.
Then came the Independence era, where the men who didn't give a damn were great. The man who could do without me yet chooses not to, i was fascinated by my new discovery of choice and Independence and severely rebelling against the dependant team era. Hence almost every choice of the past three years. These men were great because they were independent, today i understand that they are selfish and emotionally crippled, and are the most likely to end up alone. Now i understand that Independence and giving have nothing to do with each other.

Today i was on the train for more than 8 hours going to Venice and back, and trains make me ponder and wonder as i rest my head on the window and let my thoughts unroll. I was receiving text messages that made me smile all day, and my thoughts lead me to this question:
What makes a man, a great man?
Is it honesty? Is it straight forwardness? Is it intelligence? Is it integrity? Is it confidence? Is it the fun they have with you? Is it the respect they pay you? Is it the way they spoil you? Is it how they take care of their friends? Is it how they take care of you? Is it how much they want you to be happy? Is it how happy they show you they are just by being with you?

My mother always tell me that a great man will always make you feel good about yourself, and will always push you forwards.. But what does she know? She met a great man at 18!

I'd like to hear the people that come here tell me what they think.... through what you've seen and who you've been with, what makes a great man?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Sibling Issues

Today i watched my sister cry from boredom. We are in Italy, in a village named Dicomano 20 Km south of Florence. We drove here from France to spend Christmas with her best friend, her best friend's husband and their two girls. We have so far been to Florence twice for walk a around and coffee and very light site seeing, done the Christmas things as in gone to husbands parents house and sang, ate, slept by the fireplace and unwrapped presents. As everything is shut, mainly shops which are my sisters temple, today we decided to stay in. I was tired from all the driving and running around as this is my first trip since i was idle for three months and as i know the next few days will be insane i opted for staying in where it is warm and full of infants.
I have been living alone for two years. Every time i went home my sister would talk to me with the perception that Europe is one big party, you step off the plane and you suddenly don't know what to do with yourself, in her comprehension of my life she as well thinks that as i live in France i know everything there is to know about every European country. How to get everywhere, where to go everywhere, who to hang out with everywhere... etc etc... When i tried to to explain to her before she came she went to my mother crying telling her that i don't want her to come.
So back to today, my sister has had her foul mood face on all day, i on the other hand, have adapted quite well to the infant life style, i am watching cartoons and making puzzles and playing with the girls' helium balloons that i bought yesterday. When they eat i eat, when they nap i nap, and at night i park myself cosily on the couch next to the best friends husband and we talk movies, or geography, or life, as i sip my wine and he thanks the heavens for his two hours off from the girls. Meanwhile, my sister has burst into tears, she is bored and feels like she is wasting a day in Italy in the house, i watched her best friend explain to her what there is to do if she is that bored, The avalanche came after i stated that i will be taking the train to Venice for a day at some point. My sister doesn't want to go to Venice, and she can't drive my car as the roads scare her here (rightfully so). So basically she wants me to not go to Venice so she wont be alone, i watched my sister's best friend draw a map for my sister to the train station into Florence and all around Florence and i watched my sister lose interest as soon as the pen hit the paper. I watched her thinking that there is no way she can do that alone, i watched her dwell in her self pity that she is going to roam the streets of Florence alone unaccompanied for a day. And then she started crying. Did i mention that my sister is eight years older than me?

Surprisingly, i did not get annoyed with her today. I have a very short fuse with my sister, all the time, i cut her no slack ever, and i have been passive aggressive towards her for 14 years straight. I will spare you the details, but at some point we managed to not have a conversation for four years while living in the same house with rooms directly facing each other. We have a character conflict, lets leave it there.
Today however, my blood did not boil at her self pity, i did not clench my teeth at her non existent faith in herself, and i did not just get up and exit before i said something harsh. Today i got very concerned about this girl, how is she ever supposed to be happy?
I contemplated for a minute, do i change my plans for her? Do i take her by the hand through every situation during this trip and every personal dilemma to come? This is so against what i believe in. I am so anti-dependency, from the bottom of my heart i believe i would be doing her much more harm than good, i will be contributing to her lack of self esteem. I can't do it.
My other option is to wait till she learns, till she gets the guts to leave the house and find the train and pick where she wants to go. Till she gets the courage to apply for a job and understand that not getting the job doesn't render her worthless. To stop asking questions she already knows the answers to just to portray need. My other option is to wait for her to get there herself. My sister is eight years older than me, can i really watch her waste more years being unhappy till she gets there? It's taking her too long, and my inability to help her breaks my heart.


It seems, that maybe, everything i have been looking for is actually out there.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I spend most of my time in my head trying to define what is real and what is not. It has become second nature to me, after being a dramatic over-emotional person, i consciously started shaping my reality, and now it has become how i am.
I often waste many many hours asking myself questions, do i really want to do this? Do i really mean that? Do i really feel like this about that? It is exhausting, but i have spent years in a state of semi delusion, where my gut knows i am not where i belong yet the mind justifies, and justifies and the heart takes over the steering wheel and throws the attempts of any other elements to gain control, to the winds.
You may argue that such over analysis is not needed, that i should let go a bit, you should not be arguing that, you are not me. I tell you and i am certain of what i say, i need to always be alert as my desires always always lead me astray. So now i weigh things, the heart gets a say, the mind gets a say, and somehow i have learnt to be emotional and spontaneous and follow my instincts whilst retaining the part of me that is soft, to me.
Don't get me wrong, i am giving, a plenty, i am consistent and loving, i am truly lovely to my partner. However i don't give of myself, i have learnt not to, and hence have lately been choosing the men who do not ask for that part of me. They are of course the same men that i know will never last, you see that is comforting as i know very early on that whatever i invest is up to me, and anything they receive is unexpected undemanded surprise.

Reality is a dangerous thing. Every single one of us has a different perception of every different thing in life. It is extraordinary how two people in the same room can perceive an experience in completely different ways and learn absolutely different things.
As if that isn't enough, i go about shaping and forming and reforming my own reality in my head, i think i over do it, i think i have many realities, i think i have found many truths but not my one truth. Maybe such is life, a constantly reshaped reality and search for truth.
Every once in a while we meet people who make us pause. People we relate to, people who personify our aspirations, people we click with and see ourselves in, or with...
In the complex mess that is the human being, how much clicking is actual building? How much of people's realities intersect? Which of my perceptions are real? What about my other realities? Will they all cohere peacefully?
When do i know that it is safe to invest all I've got? To let go of the endless scenarios in my head? To choose to let go?
I let go so very well superficially, i am easy going, calm, breezy and fun, but really i am not at all when it comes to someone trying to reach my core, someone who wants all of me.
Maybe this is what you get for giving all of you away for too long, to someone unworthy.

Random thoughts, nothing in my head makes sense today, i pray for the man that genuinely wants to be with me. I pray that he has patience, i pray that he outsmarts me, i pray that he manages this handful of contradictions and irrationalities. I pray that he be alot more mature than i am. That's a lot to ask from any man, and don't you think i don't know it, that's why I've stopped asking.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My Town

I saw this exact painting at my doc's clinic, thought i'd share the real thing...

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Gemini Man

This is not the beginning of a series, i am not about to start posting about the female and male version of each sun sign, relax, and if you don't believe in horoscopes just skip the post altogether. This is just me highlighting my amusement, there is nothing to learn here, unless of course you have a Gemini male figure in your life. He needn't be your boyfriend, hardly, it is very unlikely he will be your boyfriend and if he is may the heavens be with you.

I am a Gemini man magnet, i do not choose them, i promise you i don't, they somehow show up. And in fear of being the person whose first question is always "what's your sun sign?", i tend to only get to ask that question after it is too late, way too late.
Having said that, i am of course taking the piss, because the Gemini man is obvious, does not need to introduce himself, so easy to spot, he might as well have it written on his forehead: make way, i am Gemini man.
In case you are not trained, he will be that guy sitting alone at the bar and making friends with the whole bar in half an hour. He will be the guy with a smile for everyone, and a special bond with every friend. He will be the flirt, yet he will also be the man who cannot plan beyond this beer, and will most probably not call back. He's that guy on the go looking so very busy and important because he has over booked himself in his enthusiasm. He looks like he's fun, if he stays long enough for you to take notice.
For the past two years of my life at any point in time i have had at least one Gemini man in my life, sometimes two, lately we are up to three and four. Sometimes one is a boyfriend the other is a friend, sometimes they are all friends, one time two were being dated at the same time (they both knew OK?), and other times, most times, i didn't know what the hell was going on myself.
So obviously i am used to Gemini's, so whats new today? what is knew today is that this past week i have had four incident with 4 different Gemini men. Four!

A Gemini ex, a Spanish Gemini ex, passed through my town, naturally asked to meet up for dinner, as expected by the end of dinner i was getting the ever so Geminian intense looks of "are you feeling what I'm feeling?" The trained Leo that i am, i looked him straight back in the eye long enough to make a point, then looked away gracefully sipping my wine like nothing was insinuated and nothing was refused. He walked me to my car, sat with me in the car, and as a true Geminian the moment gripped him and he crumbled to his doubts of "why did i let you go?"
Had i not known that he has done this 700 times before to 200 different girls, i might have given in to his apparent torment, had i not known that his girlfriend had just moved in with him, i might have been tempted to give in to his cry for comfort that was absolutely heartfelt. Had i not known he was a Gemini, i would've perceived the situation completely differently and let the tears in his eyes affect my judgment. He went back to his hotel disappointed and confused, and surely enough, next day he called me bubbly and happy to have met an old friend.
End of incident one.

Last week i got a phone call, from a friend of ages ago, a school friend. You know those crushes that go on endlessly? I believe we flirted with no further action from 12 to 17. We of course are great friends, that's the thing with me and Gemini men, we are always great friends.
This guy calls me to reproach me for not calling him back when i said i would, that was a month ago when he had called me for the first time in two years. And for the next 45 mins he went into the million reasons i should move to Dubai where he resides. How he would take care of me, find me a job, how the best thing that could ever happen to him would be my moving to Dubai. Baam, out of nowhere and the first contact in two years.
He was complaining about how futile relationships in Dubai are, so i asked him why do you want to bring me over and doom me then? His reply was "just you come here and don't you worry about that".
He asked me to email him my CV, i said i would, i hung up and realized i didn't have his email, and I'm sure when he didn't get it he figured that out as well. He still hasn't called back, and i know he will not be calling back. For he is of course, a Gemini.
End of incident two.

I have a Gemini guy friend, the most solid Gemini i have ever seen, yes his business may overwhelm him, yes he is witty and flattering by nature, yes he manages to steer all focus away from himself while scrutinizing you as they all do, but truly the most sincere correct Gemini I've come across (mind you i am yet to speak to his girlfriend, so you never know).
We had a bit of an argument the other day, i had my case all prepared and i was going to make my point if it was the last thing i did that day, and surely enough, like the Gemini he is despite himself, with a few sentences of completely out of character straight forward simplicity, i lost all my anger and caved in then and there.
I can never stay mad at a Gemini man. They are too boyishly innocent all of a sudden that you feel you are being unjust to them by rightfully being upset!
End of episode 3.

T, recently renamed Hans, sent me an email two nights ago. T is at the end of a 5 week crossing, and by crossing i mean crossing the Atlantic via sailing boat. The email was the gloomiest thing i had ever read i think. He was miserable; out of cigarettes, breaking up fights on the boat, sun burnt and complaining that he doesn't have the frostbite that makes it feel like Xmas. He somehow managed to whine about being alone in St.Martin for Xmas. If you met T you would know in a second that alone in St.Martin for Xmas is exactly the way he should be, and watch the man end up with a choice between 4 women to take home.
I was a bit, just a bit, concerned (mind you i know he's a Gemini), so as the faithful partner in our non-committed casual dead end relationship that i am, i sent an email back. My email was cheerful and happy, sympathetic and up lifting, i was really rather sweet, which i try to not be too much with Gemini men. I got an email this morning telling me he was island hopping and fishing and not to worry if he sounded a little blue last night, it must have been the heat.
I wont really call this an incident as T usually does this to me several times a day.

Now i know, because i have come to know, that this unfortunate male sign has trouble with consistency, has moods and tantrums, has a strange combination of a pessimistic/cheerful view on life. I know because i have been taught that these men can get away with murder, and the only thing that stops them from even murder, is themselves. You see i know, but you might not know, and even if you don't care to know, this post in not to persuade you to care.
This post is to stop me from writing "if you are a Gemini man please walk south from me" on my forehead.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Parting Wisdom

Anything can happen, any day. Seriously, you can be sitting there and something falls on your head, or someone marches into your life, or you get a phone call with a proposition that could drastically alter your path as you thought you knew it. I think this is why potato couching is never advisable, but anyway...
If you, like me, ever get a phone call suggesting you ditch your life as you know it and move to France (it very well may happen mind you!) then i have some things to say to you. Listen well, you will thank me much in the future.

1. The language: you will not, repeat NOT just pick up French. It is not a pick-up-able language. If you don't already have a base, take lessons, and if you have a base, take a course when you get here. Meanwhile make sure you know how to say "speak slowly please" and more importantly; "can you repeat that please?". If you expect to learn French by Osmosis, then don't expect it to be fast, i know people who have lived here 10 years, and can't put two sentences together.

2. The People: The French have a chip on their shoulder. How big the chip is depends greatly on nothing at all. If you are lucky the odd one will smile at you, or lend a helping hand. More probable is the fact that if you forget the hand breaks of your car down while parked and your car slides to cosily touch bumpers with the car in front of it, you will come back in an hour to find a typed, yes typed! letter of insult telling you that if you do not know how to park to stay the hell away from my car. The French have a chip on their shoulder, and they are waiting for you to take it out on.

3. The People when you know the language: I have one suggestion; ear plugs.
The French talk alot. What you would say in English in one sentence they automatically say in four. Having said that, 40% of their talk is small talk and 50% is whining. Should you be lucky enough to be around for the remaining 10%, let me know, i am yet to find a French person who had anything to add to me in terms of conversation.

4. The system: The word bureaucracy is French, it has not been altered all over the world for a very simple reason; no one can compete. There is a hole in every loop in the french system, and not one from which you can sneak in from, no, it is a hole that makes it near impossible for you to get into the system at all. If you want to rent an apartment, you must have a bank account, if you want to open a bank account, you must have proof that you have an apartment. If you are an Egyptian/British person you are forever condemned to using an international license, because you are a gap in the system. Having said that, once you are in the system, there is no getting you out of it. Ever.

5. Random Tips:
  • If you do not drink, don't start here, you will not stop.
  • Keep a camera with you at all times, there is always something so beautiful that you must take a picture
  • It is difficult to find a restaurant with a completely off menu, the French cuisine is great, and bad French cuisine is still pretty good
  • It is near impossible to get food between 3:00pm and 7:00pm unless you are in Paris, if you are hungry, too bad.
  • If you are here for another World Cup, go somewhere else. They only watch the matches they are playing in, if they win you hardly notice and if they lose they become triple whiney and gloomy. Seriously, go somewhere else.
  • If you are going to get sick, do it here, they are as good as they say they are. You better be insured though!
  • Always, always, keep a single Euro coin with you. This is by far the most precious piece of advice i can give you.
And lastly, prepare yourself to always have a love/hate relationship with France, the most beautiful warm country with the most unsettling and cold underlying effect.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I blame them...

I am who i am because of them.. after years of searching for my identity, and smugly bragging about forming my own person, and shaping my own life, today i find that i am exactly a cross between my mother and father. I am severely mournful of all that time spent in delusion that i had any say in how i turned out at all.
My mother married at 18, she married for love, after she had dated a christian for four years before, and directly after he had converted for her, she met my dad and ditched her much forbidden love, for real love. She was only 18 when she married, imagine if she had a few more years to "date"! Can anyone blame me really for dating sailors and agnostics? Can anyone wonder at my inability to settle for anything but the real thing?
My mother is also a very fixed in her ways woman, she is a bizarre mix between liberal and open minded and change fearing control freak. She has never imposed her authority, she gently instills ethics, and never rules. But you cannot, simply cannot convince her of anything, she bought a CD player 4 years after they hit the market, for four years she claimed to know better, ditto for cell phones, ditto for cable, etc etc.... Is it really so weird that i double check after people's work and am stubborn to the point of being hectic?

My father, now he, i have never really met. He passed away when i was six, but i remember him fairly well. He is the man i never saw frowning, the man who pampered me endlessly, the man i hid the cigars from. It has happened on several occasions that people look at my ID and ask me if i am his daughter, i say yes to the stranger, and i am automatically served better, talked to nicer, smiled at in gratitude. I thought this bizarrely freakish. When i reported this to my mom, she smiled knowingly like it was the most natural thing in the world. Stories of him were scarce till i lost my childhood friend in a car crash at 19, i was having trouble dealing with death so my mother took me away for two weeks and started telling me about my father.
He was a volunteer doctor with the P.L.O at one time, he was offered the position of Minister of Health in Nigeria and turned it down, he was the reason my mother's brother had a roof on his head, everyone adored him, he was a very heavy drinker and smoker (borderline alcoholic), he gambled his inheritance away, he was very possessive of her and he died of his second heart attack at 49. After his first heart attack he was told to stop drinking and smoking, my mother reports him saying "if i can't live the way i enjoy my life then I'm not really living am i?" Meanwhile he never complained about his health. He was a very giving tolerant man.
I rest my case.
Is it any wonder at all that i am an extremist?
Between the two of them, i drink with severe enjoyment but never allow myself to lose control, i quit smoking with difficulty to avoid heart attacks that i am prone to, but i did quit. I am an idealist who believes everyone can make it out there, yet i am incapable of team working.
I could go on and on, but i am simply them split in half and sewed up to make a new human being. They passed on their contradicting strengths and weaknesses, i have his tolerance but not the firmness, i have her neurosis without the skepticism. Basically they gave me the good things without the counter acting strength to save me from abusing myself....
Yikes! Well at least i don't get his addiction to alcohol and gambling, my wilderness takes other directions, the mothers directions..
I don't know why i ever bothered to analyse myself so much or try to change character traits and such, i would've ended up here anyway, it's the way i was made.

I have only one hole in this theory; my sister...

Monday, December 11, 2006

Friday, December 08, 2006

A thought....

If God wanted everyone to follow one religion, don't you think he would have been able to accomplish that?
Man evolves, not just on his own personal journey called life, man collectively evolves. Over the life time of humanity the human being has evolved, from cave man to hunter to trader to traveler to invader of countries and founder of civilisations. We begin from where the ones before us ended, ok, maybe not exactly where they ended, maybe we like to duplicate some work to make sure they got it right, but no one can argue that man as a being was one thing 3000 years ago, and an absolute different thing now, gradually and surely changing over the years.
Can we assume that this change is to the better? I can safely say i think it is to the more advanced, the more knowledgeable, be that better or not is up to you, but it is definitely to the direction of knowing more and understanding better. It is in the direction of discovering more truth about our world.
One can argue that the world is more fierce now, more violent, more racist, more promiscuous. I beg you to take a look at our history as human being and contemplate. Touch lightly on the roman empire and its use of torture as entertainment to the masses, the Greek's sexual relationships between siblings and parents, the massacres of groups of women guilty of witch craft, the enslavement and exporting of humans to serve the civilized world. Contemplate, is it really getting worse? Or are we just here, now, experiencing this and thinking it is worse?
In my opinion, it isn't getting worse, it is in our horror movie of history, getting better, at least we are all aware of the value of the human life and any of us that are honest with themselves are pained at it's unjust loss.
Now lets take a look at the world today, economically, politically, education wise, lets take a close honest look at continents and countries and standards of living. Can you not see how countries that rigidly rule in alignment with religion are the worst off? Are the least educated? Are the most angry? Are the most violent? Are the poorest and worst off? Are constantly in a state of rage against abuse? And we all know that half the responsibility of being abused lies on the abused, if not more. But then again these countries would not know that, they have not learnt to take responsibility for their status, they have not been taught how to choose.
Whats the point?
The point is, that maybe, just maybe, religion as it was taught all those years ago has served it's purpose and is not meant for today. Maybe at that point in time religion was God's way of instilling a basic sense of right and wrong in the immature human being at that time, like teaching a toddler right from wrong through punishment and reward. Maybe over the time people have learnt how to be like that without being confined by religion, maybe we have reached the point where people can find God on their own.
I mean after all, according to one of these books, the end is near, maybe towards the end people have found freedom and found a way to choose their God, instead of adjusting to Him. Maybe the journey of the human being through time has been a success, would God make it any other way really? would God fail?
Again, if God wanted us all to hymn the same things, do you not think he would be able to? Maybe, just maybe our differences are God's way of challenging us, to see whether we will break free from our arrogance and presumptuousness, our rigidity and judgments, our ignorance and our anger. Maybe it's God's way of trying to tell us that no matter, all his children will go home to him, eventually.
Maybe, it's just a thought.

Note: I never write about religeon and such, but this post by Carmen moved me enough to say something about it.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

For You

I break in two for you
I do
Not in a bad way
Not at all in a tragic or sad way
But still i split myself in two
A leaf and a rock
to sway with the laughter
and be still with each shock
A touch and a grip
A stroke and a slap
A home and a trip;
an open doored trap
yes, that is what i've learnt to do
I break in two for you

Monday, December 04, 2006

Giving Something Back

I use my blog to dump. As most people would agree, it's always easy to write negative things, we write when we're sad, hurt, worried, bored, disturbed, anxious, etc, etc... My favourite blogs are the ones that remain real and not depressing, i can't claim that i can even aspire to have a not depressing blog because i use my blog to dump. If you met me you'd see i am usually smiling and laughing and getting on with things, i owe much of this to writing, as i detox here and then go meet the outside world with a light heart.
The point is, that today, i want to give something back to the blog sphere (where does that word come from btw? and while we're on it, isn't it weird that blogger dictionary doesn't identify the word blog?) where was i? yes, giving something back to this crazy cyber space....
Two months ago i was in intensive care, doing a job i loathed that offered me absolutely nothing but money, my boyfriend was leaving the country shortly and i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life or where i wanted to do it. I had nothing to look forward to, i remember sitting on my couch searching for something to look forward to, to make me smile, i always do that in moments of despair..... i couldn't think of anything, and that scared me. For months and months all you read here was jumbled up incoherent thoughts of a lost girl in distress.
I resigned today. I had decided to end this era, and i took the first step today, well, actually two weeks ago when i accepted a job offer in Cairo.
I've been smiling since, i quit the horrible job, i have two months off in between jobs where i hope to travel to an exotic place where i will sit in the sun all day and read and play. My recurring crazy heart condition has quieted down and i feel healthy, and after that i am looking forward to going home to friends and family and the first job i have ever been excited about.
This post is to give something positive back to the blogging world, thank you blog.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Gibran.... on Being

"Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."

And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion."

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced."

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen"

"When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet"

On TV Series Enthralment

Yesterday i stayed up till 3:15 am watching "Six feet under". A friend gave them to me when i was in the hospital 8 weeks ago, he gave me the complete five seasons god bless him! I am currently towards the end of season 5 and i am addicted, i don't know what I'll do when they end... They have seen me through hospital, sick leave and the days after T sailed away. I have a print on my couch from where my body curls up amidst the cushions, pillows, quilt and remotes.
So back to last night (or this morning), if anyone has seen this season, there is a particularly heart wrenching death/funeral mid season, i was so engrossed that i cried more that the whole family of the deceased did combined. Imagine this; me in pajamas, my afore mentioned couch, a box of tissue and the sobbing over a fictional character that i couldn't believe had left us.
TV series are a devious addictive form of entertainment. How smart; i completely escape my own reality, bawl over strangers and get all my negativity off my chest. What a great friend in a time when one needs comforting company.
I can't wait to go back home and finish the series.
Suggestions for the next one? anyone?