I spend most of my time in my head trying to define what is real and what is not. It has become second nature to me, after being a dramatic over-emotional person, i consciously started shaping my reality, and now it has become how i am.
I often waste many many hours asking myself questions, do i really want to do this? Do i really mean that? Do i really feel like this about that? It is exhausting, but i have spent years in a state of semi delusion, where my gut knows i am not where i belong yet the mind justifies, and justifies and the heart takes over the steering wheel and throws the attempts of any other elements to gain control, to the winds.
You may argue that such over analysis is not needed, that i should let go a bit, you should not be arguing that, you are not me. I tell you and i am certain of what i say, i need to always be alert as my desires always always lead me astray. So now i weigh things, the heart gets a say, the mind gets a say, and somehow i have learnt to be emotional and spontaneous and follow my instincts whilst retaining the part of me that is soft, to me.
Don't get me wrong, i am giving, a plenty, i am consistent and loving, i am truly lovely to my partner. However i don't give of myself, i have learnt not to, and hence have lately been choosing the men who do not ask for that part of me. They are of course the same men that i know will never last, you see that is comforting as i know very early on that whatever i invest is up to me, and anything they receive is unexpected undemanded surprise.
Reality is a dangerous thing. Every single one of us has a different perception of every different thing in life. It is extraordinary how two people in the same room can perceive an experience in completely different ways and learn absolutely different things.
As if that isn't enough, i go about shaping and forming and reforming my own reality in my head, i think i over do it, i think i have many realities, i think i have found many truths but not my one truth. Maybe such is life, a constantly reshaped reality and search for truth.
Every once in a while we meet people who make us pause. People we relate to, people who personify our aspirations, people we click with and see ourselves in, or with...
In the complex mess that is the human being, how much clicking is actual building? How much of people's realities intersect? Which of my perceptions are real? What about my other realities? Will they all cohere peacefully?
When do i know that it is safe to invest all I've got? To let go of the endless scenarios in my head? To choose to let go?
I let go so very well superficially, i am easy going, calm, breezy and fun, but really i am not at all when it comes to someone trying to reach my core, someone who wants all of me.
Maybe this is what you get for giving all of you away for too long, to someone unworthy.
Random thoughts, nothing in my head makes sense today, i pray for the man that genuinely wants to be with me. I pray that he has patience, i pray that he outsmarts me, i pray that he manages this handful of contradictions and irrationalities. I pray that he be alot more mature than i am. That's a lot to ask from any man, and don't you think i don't know it, that's why I've stopped asking.