Thursday, November 30, 2006

l'oiseau qui chante

I went through my phone today and i found a picture
It was named "guitar man"
And i never name the pictures on my phone
I remembered the man from that restaurant
an Italian man who sang in Spanish, Italian, English and French
in that cosy restaurant down my road with the huge portions
and the lasagna we'd split as an entre
he once sang "stand by me", and we sang too
it's the only song i knew the words to
oh, and "my way", we both sang that as well
it was cheesy, but we were comfortable, it was fun
they fed T grappa, and made me sing in Arabic to random guitar tunes
it was not a fancy restaurant
and the guitar man was always only chairs away
was it T who took that picture?
I miss T..
I miss him a lot.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

On ex's

Ever since me and k broke up, i took a vow to try to not let things get so ugly in relationships that we could not be friends afterwards. When i was with K we made sure that so much damage was done that no possible civil interaction could ever take place, after it was over the loss was really too much for me and i took that vow, and so far i have been able to stick to it.
So yesterday i was talking to G (the spanish episode of last year), and as he told me about his current girl i noticed how since being with me he had repeated the same pattern twice; passion, dreams, indecision, hesitation, fear and exit. Other than realizing that he was immature and absolutely self involved, it made me wonder if some people really cannot settle down. Do some people really need to always be challenged? Always try to get what they can't have? Are some people incapable of falling in love peacefully?
I listened to him and i think some people are like that... unable to follow through, always looking for the greener grass. I feel sorry for these people. I keep running into them, getting attracted to them, ending up with them, and they teach me tons. They teach me emotional independence, they teach me how to value what i have now, they teach me how to live happily alone, but sadly though i touch their lives and stay their friend i have not been able to teach them patience.
I feel sorry that they don't cry over loved ones and don't relive memories while smiling, that they don't miss people painfully and they don't know the real euphoria of being held by someone you love and want unconditionally. They may live without any real sorrow, but they also live without any real joy, and most of them live without the dream of a true love that will make the world perfect. I know i will have that one day and that dream keeps me alive, i get the best of both worlds; the fun with them today and the dream of more.
I wonder if they have any real control over how they are.... i wish so much for them to feel more.
My ex K got engaged last week to a girl he says he is in love with sometimes, and happy with sometimes. I think settling is sad. I guess not everyone feels there's much of an option, and that is even sadder.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Cairo at a Glance

Am moving back, after the constant state of chaos that has been predominant for the past few months, everything has fallen into place this week and I am moving back to beloved Cairo. As my job and social life in the south of France have expired and I don’t like the south of France enough to start all over there, I am happy to be moving back home to a challenging new job and .. well… home.
However, as someone who has lived away from home for two years plus, there are things that halt me and make me wonder if
Cairo has always been like this and I have been enlightened with a fresh eye, or if indeed things have changed…. From ten days in Cairo, I wonder about…

  1. Traffic. Explosive, uncontrollable, defiant to the laws of space and unyielding. I am told the government has consulted foreign experts and the pros said it is not solvable.
  2. The prevailing (and by prevailing I mean sole) topic of conversation is relationships. Marriages in particular, engagements are still hip though over due, and other ceremonial celebrations are hot hot topics. The status of people is now officially classified as single or attached. It is truly unbelievable. Divorce though, is much less frowned upon.
  3. Social consciousness; I myself caught myself watching people and labelling them in bodega, I who pride myself on being open minded and accepting and non judgmental. My other similar friend was doing it too. I think our brains switch to that mode when we land in Cairo. Shameful.
  4. Everyone is tired. No really, everyone is tired.
  5. Dust, in a relatively low on dust month I was congested through out.
  6. Corporate life: local companies trying to make it remain the same, either too much money horribly spilled all over the place in horrid taste, or people crammed in the endless start up phase. Both kinds suffer from the same general manager; obnoxious, full of himself, know it all, throwing technical terms all over the place to boost his own ego, during my interview.
  7. Money laundering: after working with business development for another too years, I walked the streets of zamalek and found myself wondering how on earth “teeto lil khordawat” and “el nasr shoes” or “antiques for your house” had any kind of income to cover their mere expense of renting a store in zamalek. It is fascinating how many shops look like they belong to another lifetime, and have nothing at all to offer any consumer. Money laundering it is, it has to be, no one is that dumb or that rich.

Beloved Cairo; I’m on my way.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The End of an Era

"But who will light that candle, if no one stays?" i ask
"no one" you say
"no one?"
"yes, no one, have you not bought candles and only lit them once before?"
"no, i wait"
"what for?"
"to keep lighting candles till they can't anymore..."
"till they're wax?"
"hmmm.... yes... i guess... till they're wax "
"why would you want to do that?"
"candles should always be lit"
"but that isn't a beautiful candle anymore..."
"what are you suggesting?"
"I'm not suggesting anything, i just don't get it"
"get what?"
"why you would get your light from sticky wax instead of lighting new candles"
"but then light that one only once as well?"
"well... not necessarily once, you know what i mean, so long as its pretty... in the name of what do you stick to wax?"

in the name of what indeed....

Thursday, November 23, 2006

To stroke a girls hair..

A friend of mine put his hands in my hair today.
It felt familiar although it wasn't, it felt soothing although it should've been weird, i didn't fully understand why it was happening and it didn't last long enough for me to reach my understanding. My friends hands in my hair made me think about how strange it is that some people's hands can find you with ease while others can never reach you and how it has little to do with anything rational. It also made me think of how gestures as these could have thrown my perceptions from one way to the other in another lifetime, and how today these same reaching outs in their power just make my day better. My friends hands in my hair made me feel older, and very innocent still.
I wonder if i stopped my habit of fixation, how many people could reach me that way.... i wondered if i didn't hide so well, how many people would dare to do that, i wondered if my friend in his notions felt the urge to do more...
I wondered if this comforting was of skill or emotion, was i responding to a mental move or a compassionate motion? Did he even know why his hands were in my hair?
Somehow in the stroking of my hair our realities did not deviate, we had a close perception of the situation, that happens so very rarely... and that is as comforting as the hair stroking of a distressed girl in itself.... for me at least.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Your eyes remain wide
your hands retain the cold
you took the bull by the horns
you were young and acting old
somewhere in your blood stream
you know just what it is
when it sees it, it will seize it
whatever - in all this - it is
you smashed the Greek dishes
and you played with the crane
you painted and not carefully
and you got naked in the rain
you did all they told you
to find the truth of you
you tried all that bestowed you
and now all you can do is wait
for anything to come to you

Friday, November 17, 2006


I'm sorry, i want it all. I am currently blogging from Milan airport, i have just payed 9.9 EUR to have Internet access to entertain myself and distract myself from how much of a foul mood i am in. I can't remember the last time i was this down. Objectively speaking, i have reason to be down, I've spent most of the past two months between hospitals and doctors discussing my heart, and not from an emotional aspect. My friend, companion, lover and co-bearer of the shit that is the cote d'azure has fled me and gone to follow the sun and the prospects the world has to offer him - and it will offer him - after taking care of me every day for two months. I am left with a job i loathe and one friend that doesn't make me want to punch her in the face.
Realistically speaking now, i have no friggin reason to be down. I lived through this bloody heart thing, i have gotten out of a dead end not so satisfying relationship even if it wasn't by choice and i can afford luxuries that the average third world country citizen doesn't know exists. I am being a brat, and frankly speaking at this very moment; i don't care.
You see i am not worked up about any of these things, i am not sad because i had health issues, i was worried and fed up but not sad. I am not heartbroken that T has left, to be heartbroken one must believe that one has lost, i have not lost, i have been made rid of against my ill judgement, and i know it all too well. I am not miserable right now because i hate my job, as i have not been anywhere near it in two months since i got sick.
I am so very annoyed and miserable because i want it all and i don't know how to go about getting it right now.
I want a job that gives me self worth, and that can be anything from window washing to a high powered executive desk job. I want a man who makes me fall head over heels and does the same and is everything i need him to be so i can actually want to be with him forever. I want to live somewhere where i have warm people in my life, friends and family, where people smile at each other and lend a helping hand. And lastly i want to be left to be, i don't want to be judged, and i don't want to be scrutinized and subjected to eye rolling, cursing or harassment at any point in my day let alone all day, i don't want to lie, or maneuver around society, or sneak around and hide. I want to live a happy peaceful life without fear or shame.
You are probably thinking, dream on, or who doesn't? But you know what, i am unhappy, and i know if i don't get what i want i will remain unhappy because i am stubborn and because i know that nothing is beyond reach if you want it badly enough to get up and get it. I am mostly unhappy because i know so much what i want, i just don't know how to direct myself now to get it, i feel like i am 17 all over again, and more probably than not in all the choices and decisions i will make in the next few months i will make a wrong one as i am merely human after all and it will throw me off where i want to go. I hear you saying make the most of what you have, i have, and it wasn't enough, call me greedy and ungrateful, but i just simply need more.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Little things

  • pictures
  • a good cheeseburger
  • a new episode of a favourite sitcom
  • wearing the most comfortable pants
  • a good book
  • hot chocolate on a cold day
  • the voice of a best friend on the phone
  • an unexpected text forcing a smile
  • sleeping in
  • a chat with a stranger who turns out to be nice
  • finding something precious that was lost
  • good news from a doctor
  • a trip back home

It's the little things...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

of the Million Thoughts...

  • I want to go somewhere warm
  • Trapped or wanting, escaping or hunting, is there ever just a state of being?
  • Monogamy, objective? subjective? rational or irrational?
  • Honesty about the failure to be monogamous, is that respectful or just cheeky?
  • Sanity, so very subjective, everyone i know is mad
  • Confidence, the ones who win are the ones who know they're winners, so often they are such losers i could cry, yet the world lets them win in their own realities. that bugs me.
  • Criticism, a waste of life and time
  • Love, measurable? a reality or a perception? a choice of forgiveness or self deluding?
  • This century is an in-between, a phase out from one way to the other, and this is neither
  • Growing up, the people to ask are getting fewer and fewer
  • Beauty is void without company, and company is such a luxury when you're a snob
  • Volatility is the worst human trait to that human

Note: this blog is expected to stay bleak till Friday, if i get to go home on Friday. If you want to read cheerful things, you will be disappointed.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

For Everything Orange

"Are those all your bags?"
"Do you have cash to pay my ticket?"
"Are you just going to leave like that?"
"It's too hard"
"Yes, I know it is"

And then he held me, and thanked me, again i find myself being thanked...
"thank you for loving me, for all the precious moments, for helping me.... thank you for your love..."

I had no words, and i sobbed like a child.

"you picked a sailor"

and i smiled, and said i knew and didn't regret it, the scary part is that i meant that.

I told him i loved him and then i left, and i've been crying ever since.

Damn this stupid life that makes you pay for all the good times and doesn't let you get away with mistakes.


I want a blueberry muffin and a caramel frappuccino. I woke up this morning and that is the only thing i feel like having. I had a fever last night, that made T's leaving that much more difficult. I don't know about the rest of the world but when i have a fever my threshold for pain becomes that of a 4 year old sissy, and i had a fever that kept me cold till 3:30am, and then had me sweating profusely all night, from my current experiences i would guess that to be around a 38 deg. So back to this morning, i woke up to a text at 6 am from T saying he was already on his way, he had obviously opened my message in a bottle that said i missed him already, as he said he missed me alot too, and was about to open his first present. I teared, pulled the pillow over my face and slept till 9 am. I woke up then with no real fever i think, and didn't remember yesterday till after ten minutes maybe, uurrggghhh.
All i want today is a blueberry muffin and a caramel frappuccino and i will watch six feet under all day, but we don't have starbucks in the south of France, the only chain we have is Mcdonalds, i would curse for the millionth time at this, but really, i can't be bothered today.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The "I love you" Syndrome

My family has never been an emotionally expressive one. It has never been a cold family, don't get me wrong, we have always been laughing, we always used humour to express our affection for each other and i always thought that was grand. I never doubted our love for each other, it was even more valuable for not being mentioned, it was so wonderfully beyond need for expression, it was perfect.
About a decade ago my sister lost all notions of a sense of humour and slumped into a depression that she is not yet out of, though at least now she tries, and my mother has never ever been a mushy woman, i honestly don't recall hearing the words "i love you" from either of them up till two years ago, ma out of being her, and my sister out of being angry at the world.
All that changed when i moved to France, my mother turned to goo, all of a sudden "I love you" became the natural ending of every sms, and every sentence when i was home. I got an email yesterday from my sister with her passport details, signing off with "i love you", and a scan of the passport today, also ending with "I love you".
I am not a cold person, i assure you i am not, and if you browse through this blog on any two random posts you will find me emotional and way too intense, i am always hugging my friends and telling them all the time how much i love them and they do the same, HOWEVER, i don't think that it's fair to change the family's way of relaying love after 24 years.
How am i supposed to react to this? I don't know why, but i can't really deal with it, i find myself replying to the I love you's mechanically, and hardly ever initiating them. I love my family dearly, but this just isn't the way i'm used to expressing it, i'm sorry if i'm a bitch, but this avalanche of over used "i love you's" just annoys me.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sit With Me

Sit with me
Wont you come and sit with me?
It's cold and crisp, its also clear
the sky that is
come sit with me
My nose is cold, my kettle's burning
I have questions , i have a yearning
I have a need for your hand
to take me through the maze of why
to shush me really, should my eyes intend to ...
I know you know beyond my knowing
I know you laid the tiles
long before my bones were growing
I know that if you would explain
I would not understand
so sit with me
Just sit with me
I really only need your hand

Friday, November 03, 2006

Things you wouldn't guess about me

am phobic to loud noises and voices, i cover my ears by reflex and tear when yelled at
was born in Northern Ireland
have no emotion whatsoever towards animals
think a long shower is the answer to everything
would buy a car instead of a house if i had to choose between them
watch every world cup fanatically
am an Engineer, graduated fourth of my class
cannot tolerate long toe nails
dated a Bedouin school drop out four times, over four years...
can't stand gold, save for wedding bands
read the divine comedy after watching "seven"
lose at cheating and monopoly EVERY time, though i work in business development
believe in reincarnation, and don't believe it contradicts with any religion (refrain from commenting)
have never owned a yellow item of clothing