Friday, November 17, 2006


I'm sorry, i want it all. I am currently blogging from Milan airport, i have just payed 9.9 EUR to have Internet access to entertain myself and distract myself from how much of a foul mood i am in. I can't remember the last time i was this down. Objectively speaking, i have reason to be down, I've spent most of the past two months between hospitals and doctors discussing my heart, and not from an emotional aspect. My friend, companion, lover and co-bearer of the shit that is the cote d'azure has fled me and gone to follow the sun and the prospects the world has to offer him - and it will offer him - after taking care of me every day for two months. I am left with a job i loathe and one friend that doesn't make me want to punch her in the face.
Realistically speaking now, i have no friggin reason to be down. I lived through this bloody heart thing, i have gotten out of a dead end not so satisfying relationship even if it wasn't by choice and i can afford luxuries that the average third world country citizen doesn't know exists. I am being a brat, and frankly speaking at this very moment; i don't care.
You see i am not worked up about any of these things, i am not sad because i had health issues, i was worried and fed up but not sad. I am not heartbroken that T has left, to be heartbroken one must believe that one has lost, i have not lost, i have been made rid of against my ill judgement, and i know it all too well. I am not miserable right now because i hate my job, as i have not been anywhere near it in two months since i got sick.
I am so very annoyed and miserable because i want it all and i don't know how to go about getting it right now.
I want a job that gives me self worth, and that can be anything from window washing to a high powered executive desk job. I want a man who makes me fall head over heels and does the same and is everything i need him to be so i can actually want to be with him forever. I want to live somewhere where i have warm people in my life, friends and family, where people smile at each other and lend a helping hand. And lastly i want to be left to be, i don't want to be judged, and i don't want to be scrutinized and subjected to eye rolling, cursing or harassment at any point in my day let alone all day, i don't want to lie, or maneuver around society, or sneak around and hide. I want to live a happy peaceful life without fear or shame.
You are probably thinking, dream on, or who doesn't? But you know what, i am unhappy, and i know if i don't get what i want i will remain unhappy because i am stubborn and because i know that nothing is beyond reach if you want it badly enough to get up and get it. I am mostly unhappy because i know so much what i want, i just don't know how to direct myself now to get it, i feel like i am 17 all over again, and more probably than not in all the choices and decisions i will make in the next few months i will make a wrong one as i am merely human after all and it will throw me off where i want to go. I hear you saying make the most of what you have, i have, and it wasn't enough, call me greedy and ungrateful, but i just simply need more.


Sand-E Sez said...

N, I’m always blaming Hollywood for not supplying the answer. You always see these characters on opposite extremes of the spectrum: unhappy and confused or satisfied and successful, where and how they got from one end to the other is always a mystery. But really wanting all the things you want is hardly being greedy, if anything I think it’s a part of being sane. How do you get all that? Maybe you should start renting more foreign films?

Carmen said...

Without sounding too corny, Thoreau has a great quote for you:

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

The 20s are tough to navigate because you want everything and there's nothing wrong with that. Why shouldn't we want everything? The problem comes when you don't enjoy the journey as you strive to get to where you want to be. Your foundations are your journey. If you never get everything you want, then at least you'll have had a fun ride...

Dee-Vine said...

this is not greed.
you must not settle for less,
just do what it takes to be happy.