Saturday, June 30, 2007

Victims of East and West Collisions

So i found myself in the middle of the day with nothing to do, it was too late to go back to the office, too early to go home, i was in the area so i decided to make the most out of this situation and call my long lost friend and pass by her at work. Our friendship was suffering from me, as many of my friendships currently are, after moving back to Egypt i have found it impossible to spend time with anyone i wont thoroughly enjoy, and as the last time we had bonded was when i was in the manic K relationship, we had drifted, and i wanted to do something about it.
So i dropped by, hugs and kisses and coffee, and conversation.

Me: So tell me, what was it you were going on about on the phone?
Her: Am restless
Me: Yes i gathered that much, how restless?
Her: I don't know, i miss it, i miss the excitement, the rush, i love my husband dearly, i want to grow old with him, but right now i just want to have fun
Me: What kind of fun?
Her: I don't know, i'm travelling all the time, i'm meeting all these people, getting exposed, i keep getting signs to let go...
Me: Signs?
Her: Yes, two men, two different men approached me in the past two weeks, and the way they looked at me, the desire, the rush, it made me feel alive again, i don't know how long i can resist the temptation, sex with my husband has gotten boring, i need variety, and i don't want to be that person who cheats on her husband.

I recline in my chair, and sip my coffee.

Her: you know i could never tell anyone but you all this stuff
Me: Yes i know, i wouldn't tell anyone else if i were you

We laugh, and a woman in her early thirties walks in, tall, wide shouldered, attractive, seemed smart, talked a bit to my friend and then walked out again.

Me: who's that? She seems nice
Her: One of my subordinates, she wants to sleep with me
Me: Huh?
Her: Yup, she offered straight out, she's a lesbian and wanted to sleep with me.

At this point i am a bit thrown off, the last time i checked this was Cairo.

Another girl came in and took a seat.

My friend: I was just telling N about my struggles.
Other girl: Ya sheikha bala neela, what struggles? I don't see why you're making such a big fuss of things. Go have your fun, take a break, if sex is all it's about then whats the harm?
My friend: Women can never have sex without emotions.
Other girl: That's bullshit, of course they can, plus why are you being so dramatic about it? You'll do this now, he'll do this later. It's how it works.

And i watched in amazement as the conversation flowed.

There was nothing that shocked me about the conversation, but that is only because i am difficult to shock, i knew my friend was a good person, and i was just watching her fall into life's many holes. The only thought i had through out was; why does this country preach so much and not let everyone do it his own way if this is the reality behind the Egyptian flag? Only the hypocrisy kills me.

The girl leaves the office and my friend turns to me;

Her: A3mel eh?
Me: Hate3mely eh ya3ny?
Her: No seriously, what do i do with all this battling?
Me: what do you want more?
Her: you mean the stable life or the excitement? The husband or the few more flings?
Me: Yes, you want everything, but what do you want more?
Her: what about this struggling?

I smiled, finished my coffee and told her it was time for me to go.

I got into my car, picked up my phone and sms'd the boyfriend, full of appreciation that i wasn't any of those three girls i had talked to in that visit.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


The summer comes, the summer goes, the autumn brings the leaves and boots, i untie my hair and kick my heals, its been so very long since i'd felt this kind of breeze. In a coat i roam the streets, i eat on pavements and browse museums, there is a way to be alone, there is a day where the sun comes out all by its own. Things of old now things of new, days untainted by all that you, and just like that i step across, like stepping from one season into the next, without loss.
And it's amazing how much life, just sits there waiting to be lived. It's fascinating how one can laugh all by ones self on a winter day, just because its so cold its crystal clear, just because every tingle in the veins is now real. And along i skipped and ran, and winter went sweet, then spring went sour, and yet i still knew the drenching joy of April showers. How beautiful life is when you carry, all you get from days before, i burn and ache and laugh some more.
And summer comes, and just like that, nothing matters but the waves, you may come and you may go, you may break for all i know, all i have are beaches and seas, all i want today is me.
And just like that, what you want is never yours, till your want leaves your soul and turns itself into a prayer in the wind. Maybe lost, maybe found, maybe foolish, maybe sound, in the wind all the same. And the autumn comes with roughness, comes with tests of no more sun, and leaves us really one by one. The trivia stopped, the smiles were blocked, and through the horrors came the good, i thanked you once, i thank you still, i walk out of that nightmare, happy at will.
And the winter parts the ways, and the gloom threatens those days, and just like that, you knock a door, you tap a window and there i am. I'd been back to my days of skipping, of this and that and trying to find myself a home. How funny how words when put together, can mean so much to someone waiting. And seasons switched, and paths got twirly, with hands extended and hands outstretched for fortune telling, how lucky some of us are to see the choice and its rewards unfold before its even made.
And just like that, from summer to winter, i step through the seasons with grace in my step, just like that i step across, from there to here, without loss.
And today i watch the passing of all those seasons like i were someone not from here. I watch the self lose and gain, i watch the soul laugh through the pain, i watch the journey of the person knowing all is said and done. I watch you watch me come undone. Am i happy? Am i content? Is the tear or the skip, the tip you need to carry on? How much of this is about you? How much of the history is about anyone other than me? I choose, i run, i reap, i pick my pain and my fun. Through the smiles like the sun, what needs be done?
The summers here, it's time to swim, through seas of joy on clear white sands, it's time to fall asleep, holding hands. It's time to forget all quarters of years that turned, it's time to soak in the sun, and melt away in the seas of all and one.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


It's been a while since we've done this, well i've hardly ever been any good at it really.... it's past midnight and your phone is stashed away in a bag in the middle of the sea.. not very convenient, but hey, it could be worse, wont whine about that anymore.

To reciprocate here's a list that may be of use to you, god knows you've had to figure out enough on your own...

1. I like to sleep on the left side of the bed, the right side is alien to me
2. Anything you render ugly never leaves the wardrobe when you're here
3. My predominant thought when we are in public is not to slip into PDA
4. That's one of the reasons i like staying in
5. I am never restful enough to watch TV for that long, so i take advantage of it when i am
6. The only thing that keeps me here is my mom
7. There's something you know how to do that i would love to learn. Can you guess?
8. I am an outdoors person. I know.. I swear, ask anyone.
9. I drink tea with milk every day all the time except when you're around, i don't know why
10. I hold the fork and my squash racket wrong, i wonder if you noticed the fork thing
11. I can't stand in my place for more than ten minutes, weak back
12. I chew on one side of my teeth, missing tooth
13. Something about Miracle puts me to sleep, like that bedtime baby thing they were talking about
14. I have been told that i dance like a stripper (without the taking off of clothes), hence i haven't danced at ease in three years. I miss it like hell.
15. When i do that pensive far away look, i am avoiding confrontation, and that is the only thing i have on my mind then

and one that's only significant today; the only upsetting thing about K getting married today is that i can't call to say congratulations.

Talk to you in the morning. x

Monday, June 11, 2007


I want to go buy a super backpack, that i can carry on my back, take on a plane, push under a train seat, and still be able to pack all the things i love and could ever possibly need.
I want to pack that backpack, and head off into the world where i need no money and can barter away through my travels. I'll land in NY in the autumn then on to central america and hitch boat rides to all those endless islands, then i'd land in Panama, and walk/drive from there onto all that is worth seeing in latin america, plane to Australia, see if New Zealand is really that beautiful, go to the Maldives before they drown, pass though Tibet and then end up back in Europe. Experience Croatia before it booms, spend more time in Italy, walk the spanish coast and go back to Cairo via the saharan dessert; Morocco, Tunisia and all that endless sand.

Where do they sell those backpacks?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


In the rising of the dawn
I was always yours
When the present cannot be
Release the image; I am free

With the passing of the spirit
and the crashing of the waves
take a step into the light
there will never be tonight

When your soul withers, dies
surrender to the winds, for you-
set me free and then you cry
I; shall be free until i die

Friday, June 01, 2007


When you look around you and feel that you have it better than everyone else, smile, and don't gloat, not even inside.