Tuesday, March 31, 2009

4:00am terrors

I didn't know what that meant. I thought i did, but i didn't, not really.
I go to bed tired, having spread myself too thin across the various areas of my life that demand my full attention.
I go to bed exhausted from the decisions, responsibilities and the commute.
I go to bed to face the only time in the day when i am truly alone.
The weight on my chest fills into its full heaviness.
The pain in my shoulders from all the clenching becomes prominent.
The muscles of my face are tense from all the frowning.
I am alone with my thoughts.
I try to trick my mind into going elsewhere.
I am too tired to even do that, so i just close my eyes and hope for sleep.
And i start to feel the fear.
I feel it starting in the pit of my stomach and flowing slowly and steadily outwards stretching into every part of my body till it is all consuming and overtaking.
I am aware of the flow of my fear through my soul, and it scares me.
Fear itself scares me, i know what is coming.
I feel my nose tinkle with the warning of tears that need to be let out.
I will not cry. There will be no cracking of the dam.
I bite it back and will myself to sleep.
Out of sheer misery i sleep.
It is somewhere between 1 and 2am.
I dream, i dream that i am sick.
I dream that i will die.
I dream that worse things happen than what is actually happening.
I wake up traumatized and tired.
It is 4:00am.
I have had one hours sleep and nightmares that would grey the hairs of some.
I look forward to an hour of terror.
Where i contemplate getting up to sleep next to her to ease the pain.
Where i will try to comfort myself that it was just a dream, and remember reality, and remember that it is not that much better than the dream.
I start feeling that my heart might stop.
That i might not get through the night.
I wonder if dying would a solution.
I remind myself that i am happy by day, and that this is not rational.
I yearn for the day where i am not so afraid.
I wonder how i will get through the next few hours to sunlight, to safety.
It's 5:00am.
I know that sunlight is near.
I calm down enough to sleep.
I sleep.
I snooze the alarm 4 times and drag myself out of bed an hour late.
I have slept 4 hours in total, for the tenth day in a row.
Except for the weekends. I can sleep in on the weekends.
But it's ok, it's daytime, and i am good at the day time.
I can get through the day where my daily duties distract me from the pain.
I consider taking a valium at night before i sleep.
I discard that thought, as i discard the thought of therapy and many other thoughts.
If only i could get through the nights.
If only i could get through the nights.


poshlemon said...

You described my night yesterday. As if...

I don't know what's the trigger for your sleepless nights and your fears. Mine stems from my GAD, which comes and goes in intensity and without any warning and covers anxiety over the silliest things to the most serious issues. So, I understand you, and I understand this night you described in all its detail because it's a night I have experienced over a thousand times.

I hope you find some peace amidst all this, I hope you become fearless of the night, and of being alone with your own self and your own thoughts. But, remember, to fear is to be alive and what doesn't kill you, always makes you stronger. This is fear. At least in my opinion.

I hope it's nothing too serious?

N said...

Posh: it's my mom's illness, i am not coping with it as well as i would want to... i am struggling with this whole acceptance thing.
What's GAD?

poshlemon said...

generalized anxiety disorder.

N, what can I say... This illness your mom has scares me to the fucking bones, it humbles me, it shuts me up, it does all sorts of things but I choose to fight it by all means I possibly can.

But, your fight with it is more personal, much much more personal. And I don't know what kind of advice I could give you or what kind of strength I could request of you to muster. I just can say that I respect you because you are very tough for all of this. I don't know what would've been of me...

Just don't let her feel it. She needs the best attitudes around her so she can actually believe things will be better.

And, how about therapy? A good therapist. Very helpful. My GAD would've eaten me alive last year had I not sought therapy. I don't document it on my blog last year because it's something that was too hurtful to talk about. Anyways, give it a chance. Therapy. A good therapist.

Lots of love from a complete stranger who has you in her prayers and thoughts.

Will E. said...

We're talking now.. but irrespective of what we're saying... I feel you..

Maxxed`ouT said...

i miss u dude!