Tuesday, August 01, 2006

For the relief of unbearable urges

I came across this book years ago, the title grabbed me and later I discovered it was a book about the suffering of Israeli's in settling in their new country. The book in my humble opinion, was crap, and i don't remember finishing it.
But the title... I never forgot that title, it talked to me, it hit home (though i failed to see how it had anything to do with the book's content).

I always get unbearable urges, I always have and I am pretty sure I always will.
With unyielding passion, the need to always be outwardly composed, and the very true reality that when it comes to my desires I have very little self discipline, I find myself often looking for a way to still these urges. I find myself very often looking for their relief. Being both wild and conscientious, spontaneous yet a control freak, is a full time occupation, and often you have to be innovative to keep your mind and soul at peace.

I have always had three outlets for my urges; nightmares, sports and writing.
Nightmares are always outlets for grief, mourning, and the worst of all; anger. When I am wronged I don't fight back, I walk away and have nightmares, anyone who has ever heard me relay a nightmare thinks I should seek professional help, they are twisted and spiteful at best, bloody and violent usually, distorting and heart wrenching more often than not, and usually come in phases when I am unwell and I can only escape them by becoming an insomniac. I remember a time a few years ago when I used to be afraid to go to sleep.
Insomnia is no solution, as the zombie state is not very appealing and looking over my work to find that I almost lost my job for my inability to concentrate is stress I can do without, so I remember that sports wear you out, and then I remember that I like sports, and do a bit of that for a while till its all ok again and sleep comes undisturbed.

Now writing, you all write, you all know what it's about it. It happens to be my healthiest, most consisten, most effective and favorite outlet for these forever battled urges:
The urge to scream and curse
The urge to return the hurtful words three fold
The urge to make that phone call even though it is over
The urge to act upon jealousy
The urge to take a train to Spain
The urge to kiss him then and there
The urge to give in to the monsters in my head
The urge to walk away when the conversation is just too frustrating
The urge to pack up and go home
The urge to quit the job
The urge to drive into that car that just cut me off and scraped my door
The urge to give in to emotions and throw common sense to the wind

The urge to act in a way that you know will do you no good.

I don't really have a point.... I just really like that title.

4 comments:

Maat said...

your point IS the title. we keep things bottled up all the time it kills us, we have to find a way out...yeah writing is the best outlet, even when it doesnt give you that "relief", it makes the best out of those unbearable urges transforming them into a creative work of art.

loved the title, great blog u got there btw

N said...

Thank you maat :) I hope it makes any sense to anyone :s

Insomniac said...

"Nightmares are always outlets for grief, mourning, and the worst of all; anger. When I am wronged I don't fight back, I walk away and have nightmares, anyone who has ever heard me relay a nightmare thinks I should seek professional help, they are twisted and spiteful at best, bloody and violent usually, distorting and heart wrenching more often than not, and usually come in phases when I am unwell and I can only escape them by becoming an insomniac. I remember a time a few years ago when I used to be afraid to go to sleep."

couldn't agree more.. i do get nightmares ALOT when i am "unwell".. especially when i am angry

Shooting Star said...

it's amazing to have an outlet...so i kinda envy you for having 3! ...writting was an outlet when i was a kid...not anymore..not even words can take care of my "unbearable urges".

"Insomnia is no solution, as the zombie state is not very appealing "

how true...I echo you in this..