Tuesday, October 20, 2009

4 days

I am signing off my single status on Friday. I am officially going to be a man's wife in 4 days.
For the past three months all I have done is work my ass off to put a house, honeymoon and wedding together. My hand bag has carried catalogs, magazines, wood samples, fabric samples, knob samples and handle samples, sporadically and sometimes all at the same time. I have made lists of people, items, food, gifts, dates, songs and lists of the lists themselves. I've gone through three notebooks and all the favors i have been offered. My finances have been stretched beyond anything i could ever imagine and any decision is only taken when the excel sheet of my life approves.
I have discovered in these three months that i am undoubtedly a nerd. My budget goes down to the towels and serving plates.
I have also discovered that i like olive green enough to paint a wall in it and furnish alot of my house in it. That i will not get along with my mother in law and that the best i can hope for is her not stopping our getting married before friday, and that brides are actually slaves/maids that wear themselves out completely by the time they get to the wedding date. And that the reason people have honeymoons is to recover from the pre-wedding slavery.

I am getting married on Friday. I do not comprehend it. Amidst this madness i got caught up in the details and forgot that huge fact.

Today while i was driving i realized that i am deciding to stop exploring the options of the world and am deciding to go through the world with this one companion, always.
I have decided that i need not try to search further, i am set.

These are big things to decide. Does one really decide these things consciously?
I think not. One meets someone, likes them, they get to know each other, they get to love each other, the good times outweigh the bad and one grows attached and things unroll smoothly till it is time to move forward. The excitement of the many festivities then overshadows any real thinking, and the rest just happens.
Till one day when you have an hour to yourself for the first time in months on your bachelorette trip while your friends are decorating the house for the big bash, and your wedding is two weeks away, you realize; you are marrying this person.

You realize the responsibility of the decision, and you do one of two things; brush it off as nerves and do not think about it, or actually revisit the idea if this is what you really want.

I want to say i did the latter, but i will not lie straight to your faces.

I brushed it off and put on my hot top and went downstairs to play all these fun violating games and then went dancing all night with my girlfriends and drank so many kinds of alcohol its a wonder i have any recollection of that night at all. I had the most fun ever.

And then i went back home and fought with my fiance for 10 days straight. I think that was my way to try to push him away one final time from the damaged girl that i am. Try to see just how much he can take; i AM marrying him after all.

Two days ago we sat down and had the talk; should we really be doing this? If we have so much to fight about, should we really be getting married when everyone knows that things get worse after marriage?

"If i was still your best friend i would tell you not to go ahead with this, but i am not your best friend anymore, i am the man that loves you and wants to spend his life with you and i am telling you that marrying me is the right thing to do"

I laughed, we laughed. "Leap of faith it is then?" "Yes, leap of faith" he said.

It is idealistic to think that binding yourself to another person raised in a different house with a different family will work out for you. It is idealistic and downright naive. There is so much to fight about. "We do it this way", "but we do it that way!". So so naive.

But i think of our mornings in bed together to come.
I think of us watching a movie on our couch.
I think of coming home after a long day to a warm house and a man that is waiting to take me in his arms.
I think of the trips we are yet to take and the plans we are yet to make.
I think of our terrace with the view.
I think of the little things and i say what the hell? I'll be naive like everyone else and get married.
Eshme3na ana?

Wish me luck, i am getting married in 4 days....

12 comments:

Néphèle said...

The best of luck to you and your marriage and the family you're starting :)

<3

Shimaa Gamal said...

Good Luck :)

BaTaBeeT said...

Awwwwwwww that was sweet
Good luck dear... be sure the best is yet to come :)

I have all these fears, all these thoughts about the bed the couch and the terrace...

Believe me... its good :)

Faisal said...

GOOD LUCK!!!

Puppy said...

Good luck :)

Innate_Inanenuss said...

good luck ya N..you deserve all the best...

How I wish I could be present at your wedding...I remember you once said something like u were gonna have it on a beach or something, isn't that right?

And hey...on a side note..I am the one who said 'leap of faith'...you 2 said 'leap of love'...well I know that they're almost the same thing but still..leap of faith is mine...duuh!! check the comments section of ur previous post |-S

And by all means...please keep on bloggin...at all times..after ur married and all...I wish u the best again and I blow u a kiss..

OMG...it's tomorrow...u know u got me a bit a bit nervous readin this post myself...
Love is a wonderful thing.
:o)

poshlemon said...

I don't think you need luck :)

I think what you're going through is wonderful, even with a bit of doubt at times. How else would you be sure?

I hope tomorrow goes as you wish for it to. And I hope you continue to write on your blog about love and being married to this man you love.

Maxxed`ouT said...

You don't need luck to make a marriage work.
Just faith, a lot of forgiveness, and an extensive wardrobe of sexy slutty lingerie.

N said...

Kaf: lol. no wonder...

you do know that today was the katb kitab and the wedding is still next friday right?

please dont sleep through this one! its at 3:00pm for crying out loud!

see you there :-)

smallawei said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mindfull said...

A very belated congrats on the marriage. It would be interesting to read your posts after marriage, do you think your views or perspective on certain things in life change?

I know it's difficult to "come back" to blogging after a long hiatus, but I'd be interested to see the change, if there is any to be seen.

Very long time reader here btw, just not one to usually comment.

matt said...

great to see a new blog