It had to be the Caribbean, i should have seen this coming, it had to be such a dramatic setting, i am not even a little bit surprised. Who am i kidding? This is who i am; a subtle, quiet, horrid drama queen.
I am at the beach trying to figure out the weather, gloriously hot and threateningly cloudy in the same ten minutes. St.Martin is more chaotic and poor than i expected, its such a pleasant surprise! Lazy, smiling locals, dodgy roads, worn out cottages, none of the obnoxiousness i was half expecting. The hills all around the island look seriously volcanic, then again what do i know about volcanoes...
We went out out for dinner last night, for those not familiar with the blog, the other part of we is T. We are residing on the french side of the island (the island is half french half dutch, the french side is bigger and this is reported to be because on arriving to the island both parties agreed that a man of each nationality would walk around the island covering as much land as possible, and the french man got the dutch one drunk right before and consequently covered way more land). On hearing this i was shocked to my core that it wasn't the other way around, Have you met a dutch person before? If you have, you'll know why.
Anyway, so we are dining in a restaurant on the french side (much to my horror), and almost every time we go out to dinner we end up talking to the table next to us. Yesterday's were french Canadians, talk talk talk, i was half asleep from the jet lag and could only forge enough french to keep me going for an hour. As a pure Frenchman joined the conversation and took it two gears down to repetitive and whiny, I finally gave in and zoned out, fourth glass of rose in one hand, stolen cigarette in the other, i turned my head the other way and got lost in my thoughts. T interrupted me by scolding and throwing in reminders of ICU's and heart monitors, i smiled, he gave up and looked away. I kept looking at him, wondering when exactly it was that i had decided to set him up to fail. I looked at him and saw exactly how he saw me; independent, undemanding and happily in love with him.
How on earth did i take him to a place where he thought that this was me in love? Did he really think that i let myself be in love while he went back home and spent a week every few months with his ex who still lived in his house? Did he really think i could be in love with him and go for weeks on end sometimes without a word from him, only to meet him again with a smile?
How did i get him so cornered? To not know my true expects from a man and to deny him ever delivering? I have screwed the man over. He thinks he has me and takes that for granted, and why shouldn't he? Because i tell him i am not in love? Because i tell him i will one day leave? Because i tell him in my dreams i want more? If i am only ever there, why should he believe me? It's moment like these that i know i am ruthless. I am so stubborn about refusing to play games to make a man appreciate, if he doesn't know what he has without being treated like shit, then it will just have to run its course. I stubbornly take pride in this because the day a man has me is the day he will earn it even though he doesn't feel the need to. I am severely messed up! Why can't i just play the game like other people?
I have no guilt that my mind is full of elsewhere thoughts, happy, restful, peaceful thoughts that have nothing to do with T. I am however, worried. How will he take it when the day comes? The day i told him would come when its time... How will he react when i tell him all this will go? How will he take it when i tell him it's time? Will he know how to be just my friend?
I had to pick the Caribbean, go figure.