Monday, January 01, 2007

Loose Ends

I dreamt of my ex (a.k.a K and the brat) a few nights ago, it's a recurring dream i get in different forms, and it is not really a dream, its much closer to a nightmare.
I have not once ever dreamed of getting back together with my ex, the one dream i keep having is that we are talking to each other, me, him and his now fiance. We are all talking and sorting out the mess that happened two years ago, when i left the country and he cheated on me with her one final time and then i stopped answering his calls. That is how we broke up.
He came to see me for Xmas in December 04 when i had just moved here, and then went back to Cairo and had messed around with her within 3 weeks. The last time he had anything to do with her was a year before, but i knew, as women know, that he would go back to Cairo and seek refuge in her, the brat cannot be alone. I told him over Xmas, out of nowhere, that if that happened he would have no place in my life, this seems futile now but back then, it was hard to mean.

My dream is that we are talking to each other, laughing and smiling over what has passed and his fiance is there not minding, joining in, my dream is that we have managed to be any form of friends. This dream to some could be interpreted that i am not over my ex. I am so very over my ex that i wish him happiness with this woman. What i am not over is that my friend of 8 years is someone i cannot talk to anymore, what i can't deal with is that we never broke up, i just dropped him from my life as that was the only way to do it.
For a few days after he told me he messed up, i listened to him, maybe, just maybe he had something to say, but all i heard was crap, that was so much more crapful as it was the accumulation of three years of crap, i couldn't listen to it, all i wanted was out of his grasp, so i blocked him on all the instant messengers, deleted his sms's without reading them, stopped answering his calls, and when he came to France to talk months later i drove to Italy. I wouldn't talk to him because it was time i put myself first and run for my life, anything soft he would've said would've gotten to me, and my decision was already made, it was over and it was hard, why listen to things that will make it so much harder? I couldn't watch the closest person to me lie to me one more time, all i wanted then was to never see or hear of him ever again.
Meanwhile he had nothing worthy to say anyway, as he is today engaged to that girl.

In my dream me and him sit and talk about what happened, he apologizes from the heart and is actually remorseful to have caused me pain. In my dream i forgive him out loud and tell him i have moved on to better things and thank him for the lessons learnt. In my dream we actually break up, say good bye and remain in each others hearts. In my dream we don't leave loose ends. And everything is ok again.

98% of humanity would have any other dream but this one. You want to make peace with a piece of shit? I've always been emotionally weird, and am now finally comfortable enough with it to say yes.
Yes i want to make peace with someone unworthy, because it isn't about them, it's about me, parts of my life. It's about me finishing up and letting go and hopefully keeping friends, or at least losing them without having nightmares that haunt me about it.

7 comments:

still breathing said...

u just summed it up in those last lines...
its exactly like u say..it'd b 4 ur own good.

Insomniac said...

when i dream of ppl who caused me pain, it's usually me telling them everything i couldn't and i wake up shivering with anger.. anyways, nothing wrong with wanting closure

N said...

that's why its a disturbing dream Insomniac, i wake up frustrated and sad that that will never happen..

Cairene said...

Forgiving others, you are making peace with yourself, not necessarily with them! I have a very close experiece. I DID do it in real life, though. We're friends now.
It's also funny because everyone manages to think him a piece of shit for what he did, but I dont believe in that. The fact he made a big mistake only says that his good side siezed to show, not that it's non-existent.
Plus, someone you once looked in the eye and forgot that others existed, how will you ever not want to make peace with? they become a part of you. If you never make peace with it, at least in your dream how will it stop hurting? :]
Your dream makes so much sense.

Juka said...

I pray that you do make peace. Worthiness is not an issue. Its about you finding inner stability again. Any chance you can try and make peace?

N said...

Juka: not a chance in hell

Juka said...

That's a shame. In that case, may you move on, manage to find inner peace and closure. To new beginnings.