Do you believe in signs?
Do you think that whenever there is a beginning there must be an end?
I don't want to, but I am forced to accept this.
However... when our lives take the form of many consecutive stories, many simultaneous over lapping phases... are we then to be rendered exciting and making the most of our live, or unstable people?
My life is a series of phases, if I were to sit down with a paper and a pen, I would map out 26 years broken down over tens of phases, each phase hardly lasts more than two - three years. There are constants of course, childhood friends and some picked up along the way, family, studies, but not much more, not much more at all....
From how I look, to how I feel, to what I believe in, to who I am, every phase presents new experiences, harder choices and new lessons, with that said the hardest lesson that I am yet to learn is the passing from one phase to the other, the ending of eras, letting go.
Though all the pain in my life comes from endings, and withdrawal symptoms of letting go, letting go of places, friends, jobs, regrets, bad memories, lovers.... Though more and more I detach myself from everything around me but myself, though I have learnt to feel much less to things I know could go, I am yet to learn that lesson as I should.
I don't want to be any more detached than this, any tougher than this, with any more control over my emotions than this, yet in this moment of utter breakdown I find myself turning to God and asking him to make me numb. I just don't want to feel the consequences affecting me from other things, other people, other lives...
I am grateful to all I have learnt living in France for all this time, but I know that I was not meant to stay here for longer than this, to save my happiness and my sense of identity I need to leave this place. I think it's time to go home.