Sunday, September 24, 2006

Confession

Maybe it needs to be said out loud, I think it's getting to be a tad too much for me, I don't think I'm doing very well. I am sleeping too much, or I want to anyway, the urge to sleep is always there. I can't read. I am lazy, much lazier than usual, and if I am not seeing T, I find it a considerable effort to leave the house. I do of course, as it will be the end of me if I allow myself to only leave the house to see T. And when I do leave I enjoy myself, some of the time, but the symptoms are with me.... I'm pensive, I'm restless in that deadly quiet way, I am reproachful with myself for being down. One of the problems of being aware that everything you do is up to you, and most bad feelings are consequences of your own behavior and choices, is that you find it very difficult to allow yourself to be upset or down, complaining is not even on the table. You are so aware that you can and should fix yourself, that this constant strain in your shoulders from being hard on yourself doesn't let up.
So back to my day off from that, I am not coping as I would like to, at all.
I am currently writing an email to my boss, that could be the end of France for me, I am currently saying goodbye to the only man I have let within an arm's length from me in two years (which is where he stays). I have pushed away people again, I have been considerably ill, I have lost much of my faith in my religion (please don't try saving me in your comments), the familiar is also the suffocating, the refuge is cold, the dreams are jumbled, it's time to make a move, but where to? Where to? Towards goals and aims that are now jaded. Between people who are so much more messed up, heaven help me if I am to burden them with my traumas that are all self inflicted.

You see the problem is that I know I have it better than most, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it all, you see the other problem is that I know I can get it all, just not tonight, or these series of nights...

8 comments:

Insomniac said...

"So back to my day off from that, I am not coping as I would like to, at all"

just give it time.. time wounds all heals.. or whatever ;)

Maxxed`ouT said...

Hmmm ...
I knew from ur txt messages yesterday sthg is wrong !

Sand-E Sez said...

I went to a life motivational event once where the speaker said the getting to where you want to go is the easy part. First you must decide what you want to do. He was saying how people often get caught up in the arrival at that destination they forget why or if they wanted it at all. I guess my point in all this is let yourself be open to the possibility of all you may want. organize prioritise and re-adjust things... get caught up in the actively of trying to decide what to do and in doing so you won't feel so bad for just letting it fester. You've got a good head on your shoulders I'm sure you'll figure it out. And the claim that you know you can get it all just not now or in the next series of nights in itself tells me you're on your way.

FreudianSlip said...

Wanting it all doesn't make you bad or selfish..and i know that you have to be rational and think and think and think before taking serious steps..but i find that sometimes acting on impulse can generate much better results. If your stay in France was an experiment that you have enjoyed for a while and have now gotten over..then goodbye france it is. There's no point in enduring boredom or dullness when it's up to you to change that! This isn't college (you don't HAVE to take this course and pass it) You don't have to prove to anybody or even yourself that you were able to do it and you've succeeded..you're a free soul so take charge and ACT ON IMPULSE..it's a win-win situation at this point;)

N said...

Insoniac: Lol. Thanks girl :)

Kaf: my text was innocent enough, i just wanted to see how your exam went and say goodbye and your french phone wasn't reachable :) but maybe subsonsciously i turn to you in times of restlessness to get my head bashed in.... maybe :)

Sand-e: Thanks for the head on my shoulders part :) and the on my way part :) it's encouraging.
do you ever feel that by being open to the possibility of all you may want leaves you with too many options to choose from without enough knowledge to choose well? I am constantly finding myself in that place...

Freudian: :) i think that by nature i act on impulse and all i have been doing for ages is trying to battle that cause it gets me into trouble :(
win-win, i always think every situation is win-win :) you're right, free soul it is! Thank you as usual.

If at first said...

All things good to you, inshaAllah. I'm really lost for advice, but I hope you find the direction you're looking for...if not in France, somewhere else. The only thing is...does the problem lie in France of in yourself? And that, fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your perspective) can only be changed by ourselves.

still breathing said...

i want it all too these days..and thats why i don't get the urge to sleep...i look like a zombie...

the end of France? u'll be back here in egypt?

N said...

If at first: thank you much for those words. The problem lies within me as we both know :) and i will carry it with me wherever i go.. if only i didn't know that :)) you're really lost for advice? i hope you find it.. i always offer to efty whenever possible :)

Still Breathing: maybe, all will be clear shortly i hope, or else i too will be a zombie. lol.