Maybe it needs to be said out loud, I think it's getting to be a tad too much for me, I don't think I'm doing very well. I am sleeping too much, or I want to anyway, the urge to sleep is always there. I can't read. I am lazy, much lazier than usual, and if I am not seeing T, I find it a considerable effort to leave the house. I do of course, as it will be the end of me if I allow myself to only leave the house to see T. And when I do leave I enjoy myself, some of the time, but the symptoms are with me.... I'm pensive, I'm restless in that deadly quiet way, I am reproachful with myself for being down. One of the problems of being aware that everything you do is up to you, and most bad feelings are consequences of your own behavior and choices, is that you find it very difficult to allow yourself to be upset or down, complaining is not even on the table. You are so aware that you can and should fix yourself, that this constant strain in your shoulders from being hard on yourself doesn't let up.
So back to my day off from that, I am not coping as I would like to, at all.
I am currently writing an email to my boss, that could be the end of France for me, I am currently saying goodbye to the only man I have let within an arm's length from me in two years (which is where he stays). I have pushed away people again, I have been considerably ill, I have lost much of my faith in my religion (please don't try saving me in your comments), the familiar is also the suffocating, the refuge is cold, the dreams are jumbled, it's time to make a move, but where to? Where to? Towards goals and aims that are now jaded. Between people who are so much more messed up, heaven help me if I am to burden them with my traumas that are all self inflicted.
You see the problem is that I know I have it better than most, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it all, you see the other problem is that I know I can get it all, just not tonight, or these series of nights...