Thursday, September 14, 2006

In Silence

This morning I received an sms from K: "hey, there's something I need to tell you".

My heart raced, not as much as when we were together, but it did, that speeding up of pace out of one emotion: fear.
What is he going to tell me now that will ruin my day? What bad news is he bearing? Back in the old days it was always what is he going to say now that will rip through my sides.. that will make me twist in the pain of degradation, self destruction and tolerance while outwardly holding myself lest he leaves..
It's been 22 months, 22 months since I left the country to get my sense of self back from the only man I ever loved beyond reason. It's been 18 months since I went against all my sense of want and left the one person I had substituted the world by. The person I saw myself through, the person I wanted to be, my comfort and discomfort, my refuge and my prison, my reason and lack there of, my obsession, my mistake, my learning process, my best friend, my lover, my every day for 3 years....
It's been 18 months, and I have recovered from that one relationship in everyone's life that teaches them the basic rule of life. To go through life with nothing else, if not your sense of self.

I replied: "Shoot"

K: " I proposed to her, it is still unofficial, but it's a matter of logistics"

Her would be the girl he cheated on me with several times through out our 2 year relationship that followed 5 years of friendship. Her would be why I left him eventually, her would be the reason me and him could never again be on speaking terms when we broke up.
Her is why I was stripped of 8 years of daily memories with one of the people that at one point meant a great deal in my life. Her and him of course, but this is not about placing blame, if I start doing that then I'm the first to go...

I replied: " Mabrouk :) Thank you for telling me yourself"

K: "Allah yebarek feeky, I learned :)"

N: "So I guess we officially part ways now..."

meaning that the odd conversation, the text sent by mistake, the brief request of a common friends phone number, the asking for a recommended book or place in France, the random contact every few months that had been the norm over the past year, the very thin transparent line holding two people who used to share everything together, will in fact, be finally cut.

K: " I guess so..."

N: " I wish you happiness. Take care"

K: " You too"

And so it is, just like it should be. Chapter closed, people crossing paths so very intensely only to be repeatedly reminded by mother life, that no, you are separate entities, you are individuals, your choices reap consequences, and there is no safety in the aura of another. Familiarity is a sharp double sided blade, and life will move on, regardless of you hopping on or not.

I feel no anger, I feel no spite, I feel no need to understand, I am left with only the acceptance that where that person used to lie, now he doesn't and never can in any way, and sometimes even when you are done with that person, just that is enough to make you a little sad.


Cairene said...

I'm sorry. It could be a good reason for people to call me unstable but I really DO believe that there's "no safety in the aura of another". There will always be yourself. This is the only given, and the only thing that will remain.
I wont pretend to know exactly how you feel but at least I know the cheating, bye-bye feeling. From the various feelings it left me with, DO NOT feel that you are not worth it, ever. (or at least try not to)

N said...

You're sweet :) luckily my feelings about this have nothing to do with my self worth..

KareemFromEgypt said...

i didn't know women had it in them to be friends with a cheating ex

maybe it's for the better N

we could all use a little sadness to toughen us up or make us "wise up"

N said...

Am not a bench mark kareem, of what women or people have in them.. am just a sucker sometimes, is all

And it is for the better, for sure, thanks :)

still breathing said...

some ppl don't get lucky enough to reach it!
i'm happy 4 u!!!! :D

FreudianSlip said...

You're one strong female! it's amazing:) I'm sure you have friends to get you through this little bit of sadness but holla at me for further venting, i DID study psychology. (I'm not so good with solving my own problems but kick ass with everybody else's)

N said...

Freudian, you're lovely :D. I called my girlfriends yesterday, they were all together and put me on speaker as i relayed the latest event of my not so enjoyable month.. we all burst into giggles at the drama :D
God bless humour!

Insomniac said...

so happy for u :)

FreudianSlip said...

Amen Amen! It's what keeps me going!