The tears well up again, from the simple act of being soft with one of the very few poeple who whip me everyday. I feel the physical reaction as i do it, i feel the tension in my shoulders, i feel the stretching of my skin from the throbbing, i feel my frustration with myself for being soft and at this person for being so used to it, that they don't notice anymore.
This is my addiction, this is my self destruction, not popping pills or downing bottles, i am hooked on the everlasting need to break harshness with softness, to be gentle to those i love, to be a better more giving person, to ignore my pangs of pain and not act upon them lest i seem weak or portray vulnerability.
And in this behaviour, i hurt myself slowly but surely, daily taking more of worse than yesterday, i compile unacceptable behaviour from those i choose to love and ironically eventually lose. You see i spoil them till they don't know any other me, and cannot handle my coldness when i cannot tolerate anymore and the only thing i can do to spare myself is walk away.
I know all this and i do it anyway, this is my compulsion, my greatest battle with myself, my twisted maze of logic: when i know it is all my doing, how can i blame people for being shit?