There is something about relationships that i don't understand; why is it so much easier to be in a relationship that is going to end? I know some people who slide in and out of healthy relationships with potential, they don't need to always be challenged, they don't want what they can't have, they don't need someone to always keep them on their toes and they don't have commitment and/or dependency issues. I have never been one of these people, and the men i end up with, are never of these people either....
What irritates me most is my knowledge that as i end up in these relationships, then i must be choosing these relationships, and to my own horror; i must be enjoying them... Why?
Why would an independent together adult need so much turbulence, so much drama, so much irresponsibility of endings, so much fear of risking to actually have to be with someone forever?
I classically want the unpredictable and unstable, as i know the one thing i can depend on them for is that they will want to leave eventually, hence saving me from ever having to think about a future, and more importantly, keeping my image of myself as the reliable one in tact. How messed up is that?
Instead of seeing the relationship for what it is, instead of going for something real; i dream, i enjoy the now and secretly wish for change, no part of me believes in this change, but it is so much easier to be hopeful and act delusional, knowing every date could be the last, every day everything could fall apart, and one day soon that person will be gone forever.
I think i need help.
I have wondered why i am like this for years, i have observed me and scrutinized me, many explanations by books and others presented themselves:
"you don't know how to enjoy your own company": so i moved to a country with no one there but me and spent 8 months alone, remedied the situation? No, and i discovered that i loved my own company.
"you don't love yourself enough": hmmmm... but i think i'm the shit.. i think i'm always right.. i am secretly obnoxious and arrogant and can't be bothered with most people... how can i not love myself enough??
"It's the absence of a father in your life since you were six": possibly, probably, but tough luck, what could i possibly do about that now???
I think i figured it out eventually, but you see that is not enough, that's the first step, so now that you know why you are fucked up, why you have bizarre behavioural patterns, now that you have realized just how destructive you are, and why, does that make you any less of it? Nope, it just makes you horribly aware of it, and you watch yourself making your bad choices, and ultimately you don't want to, or at least the part of you that suffered the consequences doesn't want to, and every other part of you does, and it turns into a lose-lose situation; you either act as destructively as you do and feel guilty towards yourself, or do the right thing and be miserable that you are not doing what you desire.... That was a horrible phase, then came doing something about it...
Ok, easy, I am going to change. I will make responsible choices and begin with the end in mind. I will not lead myself into hopeless situation of rush and lust and the pretense of passionate love.
Let me tell you this, after seven years of rush and lust and the pretense of passionate love and the struggle with the pain and drama, life becomes very boring with change. Everyone i met from that decision onwards who was allegedly a "responsible choice", bored me to a slow death. I tried to fight myself, to be open minded, to give it a chance, all to no avail, in an unrestrained moment of truth i would burst out and end it, and sigh with relief. It just wasn't who i was.
And i would go back to what i had, to the flirtations and fun of an irresponsible, non-committed fickle man, to the arms of the familiar stability of the unstable, and comfort of unreliability, to sharing a place of no worries and no speculations save for the pain that will come when it ends, as it will, as we both know and have agreed to..... I will always be struggling for more stability, and he will always be struggling to find someone who might make him more restful... if only we would both change just a little bit... as if we didn't both believe that no such change could ever happen... Two mad people only finding safety in the unsafe....
T has been rendered my last bad choice, the last time i let myself do this, let my heart want what it can't have and take the easy way out. According to him I have spent more time with him this month than he has spent with any girl ever, i have gotten to know his stories, his beliefs, his reasons, his dreams... i even know his blood type now, and i know now what he loves about me and what annoys him. Isn't it fucked up that our relationship only became real 6 weeks before it was meant to end?
I am tired, every second i spend with him i am happy, and the second i leave him i am tired, i am tired of waiting for him to leave, of wanting every moment till then to be happy, of the anxiety of how i will take it when he actually goes and i also have to face an empty France i have grown to resent.
I am mostly terrified that this is all i know and i will do it all over again.
Something tells me that this is simply who i am.