Sunday, December 02, 2007

Not Enough

Dear Readers of this blog, this is a depressing post, move on from it now if you are in a happy place, i am not.
I am tired of life, i am disappointed at it, i am weary.
Through out my life whenever i went through a bad patch, the death of a loved one, a devastating heart break, i never lost faith. I always knew that this was just happening to me now, that this was just a bad experience i had to go through to learn something to prepare me for the good things to come. I always held the belief that the world was a happy place, that i chose my own misery, that i chose pain over happiness. I never blamed life, i never blamed the world, i took responsibility for my bad choices, and emerged out of every experience telling myself that if i fixed myself i would learn how to choose happiness. I spent endless years fixing myself, loving myself more, treating myself better, shedding one bad habit after the next. I had motivation, i wanted to embrace the world.
Today i find myself without faith, without heart, without a desire to go on. Today i find myself disappointed with the nature of humans, and with the world we live in that is so full of tragedy.

I look beyond my own current drama, and no one i know is happy. My married friends are either bored, unstimulated, being cheated on, or contemplating cheating on their partners. My single friends are either divorced, unstimulated, badly bruised, or trying to settle for a partner to have kids. I have been hearing one sickening story after the next, that i look at my own stories, and i am not that shocked anymore.
I am beginning to think that love is a myth.
Whatever happened to the world? If it's not fear of commitment it's fear of failure, if it's not fear of failure it's fear of boredom, if it's non of the above it's too many options.
Whatever happened to the days of love? Whatever happened to through thick and thin?
Why does everyone - whether with someone or not - end up alone?
Everyone i know who is single doesn't want to be. They say they want love, yet they are not meeting "the one". The people they meet are either too conservative, too loose, too religious, too atheist, too tall, too short, too fat, too bald, too loud, too needy, too pushy, too stuck up, too moody, too restless, too weird, too boring.

Uuuufffff. What is wrong with the world?

My last boyfriend (i will not assign him a letter here) came into my life disguised as the one who will make all my mistakes go away, he was supposed to be the one to make it all better. He promised not to break promises, he promised not to leave when i depended, he promised me a rational mature relationship. To me that was promising the world. I chose to enter into what looked like a healthy chance at something happy. I took a leap of faith, left a man i loved very much who promised me eternal heartache, and decided to love this man.
I had learnt all the lessons of love, to stay independent, to go slow, to have a life, to not fall first, to voice what i want loud and clear, to speak up when i was unhappy, to not get ahead of myself, and to not love him more than myself. These lessons were engraved in my bones from all the men i'd loved before. This time i would not get screwed over, this time i would be good to me, this time i would be happy.

And the rest is history. He broke his promises, he left when i was dependant, he taught me how to go for us when he couldn't. He taught me to trust while he wouldn't. He showed me one more time how nothing is ever as good as it seems.

And here i am. I am not heartbroken, i've lost heart. I am not lonely, i am just very aware that i am alone. I am not angry or bitter, i just have no urge to look forward.
What's the point? Everything ends. Why should i invest in anything if it always goes down the drain? Why should i begin something that will almost surely end?
For the one off chance that it wont? Who has the energy to take that chance one more time?
If love is not ever enough, then what is? If people never know what they want, how can we link our fates with other people's whims?
If people have lost the urge to be happy together, why should i be the only one who hasn't?

I come out of this one not devastated, not heartbroken, not betrayed, I come out older, and disillusioned; the world is not a happy place.

I come out of this one faithless. When all i used to have was faith.

6 comments:

nilenadine said...

Geez, this post really IS depressing. Not because it's about someone who lost love or was lied to but because it's about loss of faith and hope. Once you lose that you lose life. Hope and faith is what keeps you dreaming and moving forward. You've slightly depressed me here ya N. It's ok I know, I was forewarned. I'm usually very positive about life and having hope etc... but you make an excellent point when you say what's the point in putting in all the energy when we all end up alone anyway. Everyone around us is unhappy in their relationships or lack of relationships. Don't let one person rob you of your hope! He forced this experience on you and now you're letting him force you into losing faith. Don't worry there are still good ppl with good intentions out there.

Keep your head up girl and surround yourself with things and people that make you happy.

Will E. said...

N, I agree with this post as you well know and no one can deny there's a great truth to most of what you said. However there's one little point that may or may not make a difference.

It's that life is a series of moments that you live and even though we're sure that most moments are like you described, there are some that are filled with love, and filled with hope and the manner in which they visit us is all so random.

The point is that life is not a matter of having a long extended moment of happiness, but a matter of holding on to these brief bursts of great moments in life that visit us amidst the chaos we experience and these momoments are what make this life livable.

And remember, it has to be tough holding on to these moments, and they have to be hidden from sight, otherwise everyone would be happy and the world wouldn't be such a sad place. I don't want to sound preachy and I dont' want to say don't give up and all that but what I'm saying is that it's easy for people to give up.. sometimes we have to choose the easy way and sometimes it's okay that we do. It's okay to let go for a while..

Nora said...

N,
I think that losing faith for a while is how you get over things. It is not normal to break your heart and smile the next day. You hurt and it is ok when you "do not feel ok".
I will not tell you to try to stay positive because that is bullshit.
I think you should do whatever feels best to you now.
Hopefully your faith will be restored soon...
And if not faith than maybe just some good Italian food and red wine...
Seriously, I know what your going through sucks ass... but hopefully things will get better sooner than later.
Good luck and I hope you smile today!

Jade said...

All these feelings are natural my babe....

I wont tell you to hang in there & have hope & faith. Believe me, in due time - it'll all be flowing right back to you...

Sand-E Sez said...

N, I don’t know how logical what I’m about to say is but here it goes anyways. Humans in general tend to be greedy not only that but we are delusional in our obsession with convincing ourselves that we grasp the infinite. We yearn for eternal love but we are unable to grasp the eternal. We want a continuum but get bored when we get it. For some reason or another, somewhere along the lines the word ‘ongoing’ became a necessary condition for love… But that’s just one perspective. So yes it hurts like a mother fucker and it’s hard to breathe in the morning when you realize he’s no longer a part of your life buttttt it doesn’t mean there was no point. Don’t forget N, that for a while, it was good! For a while it was cozy. And for a while it made u happy. With that said I’ll leave you with this thought, if we are obsessed with this idea of continuum and are able to find many ‘moments’ of love and intricately line them back to back then doesn’t that situation satisfy the condition placed by the definition… doesn’t that leave us in a perpetual state of ‘in love’.

That Guy said...

I think you would like to read THIS POST. As scary as the world is, it's nice to find other people who are as scared and know how depression feels...