What is worse? To have been wronged and pained, or to have wronged someone and pained them?
If you were to ask me, N, i would tell you that i would rather be hurt than hurt someone, not because i am that noble, simply because the guilt and torment of having caused someone pain is unbearable. The responsibility is very real to me. I think that is what sums up why i am a good person.
If a good person wrongs me, i know they feel pain, i know they are sorry, i know they are weighed down with the grief they have caused me. That alone, makes it easy to forgive, logical to move on.
When good people interact together they are operating on the same code. Pain has very little room in life when you are with like minded people.
My problem lies with the wondering of what happens when you are wronged by someone who does not feel? It's the only thing i'm angry about right now. I know it will take time for me to forget that i have been betrayed, i know the bitter taste of lies will stay in my mouth for a while, i know i will waste even more time than i have, unable to open up, skeptical of heart felt words, reserved and clammed up and mistrustful. Because i have strength i know that it wont be long before that has gone. But for the duration, i will cringe when i hear words that are familiar, i will mistrust, i will roll my eyes, i will be out of it, i will be cynical.
It will take even more of my time, because i am human, because i have felt, because i have invested, because i cared.
It would make my journey shorter had i believed i was wronged by someone who cared. I will know that i am not alone in my grief, that it is equally bad if not more so, to the person who has wronged me.
What happens to the people who wrong but do not care?
If they have no conscience, who will be their reprimand?
If they will not bear the consequences of their actions, what will be their punishment for this?
My friends tell me their punishment is in the people that they are, the things they will miss out on in life, their lack of self worth, their knowledge of what they are made of.
I used to believe this, but now i'm not so sure. Do people who have no ethics really care that they are worth nothing? Do people who are so selfish that they rape others of their right of choice really care that they end up alone? Do people who are capable of such devastation feel any discomfort when they watch the consequences of their actions, knowing all along that these consequences would materialize?
Are these not the virtues of good people? To feel remorse, to feel sorry, to feel bad? Isn't that what stops good people from doing wrong?
Is there anything to convince me that this was not done in cold blood and that now it is done, too bad, and life goes on to something new?
Do people who are worth nothing, know or care that they are worth nothing?
I find one consolation, even if they don't feel any of the above, this must mean that they do not feel at all. Do not feel sorrow, hence do not feel joy, do not feel regret, hence do not feel appreciation. Do not feel loss, hence do not feel gratitude.
My consolation is that these people are dead people walking.
And if you are someone who can rape people of their right to choose, manipulate their hopes and dreams, consciously, and feel no sorrow or remorse, feel no need to do whatever it may take to take back your wrongs, if you are a monster, then the very least thing you deserve, is to be a dead man walking.
Neither alive nor dead.
Neither happy nor sad.
The very least you deserve to be is nothing. That should be your consequence.
Am i wrong?