She sat me next to her on the beach, and started asking me questions. She's a friend of a friend, even though she was sharing a room with me and this was our first one on one encounter since i had arrived the night before. She was older and from another part of the arab world, and really a testament to educated, broad minded and yet traditional arab women.
She told me to sit close while she asked me all the questions, i was the last one there to be tested as i had displayed no interest really in what was supposed to be a fascinating personality test. The day was beautiful, i had spent most of it swimming and playing in the sand with a friend's one year old, and it was close to sunset and i was beat from walking hunchbacked for hours holding the baby's hands while he attempted his newly found talent to walk/stumble on his own feet.
I sat down next to her, completely slumped in my chair, and lightly answered questions about old keys and apples, dark caves and bears, horses and the sea and finally the perfect house i suddenly saw and the mug sitting on the table.
My answers were short, one sentence if not a few words, and her interest in my answers though i considered them to be very fickle, was truly deep.
"Do you want to hear the analysis?"
"yes, of course" faking an interest to be somewhat polite.
"You carry your memories everywhere you go, you treasure all that has happened to you and your past is very much with you all the time, with all it's very good and very bad.
You are unable to walk away from your fears and threats, when faced with a threatening situation you seek control, you must assess, analyze and contain, and then you walk away when peace is restored, even if within you the situation had not passed at all, if you walk away from a situation that went beyond your control, you never go back to it.
Death is something you do not think about, it is not even an after thought, you have no interest whatsoever in the subject, and you would avoid handling related topics at absolutely any cost.
You like your life to be somewhat difficult, challenging, and you take the challenge every time, you are fearless in the face of life, very little danger would put you off from going after what you want.
You indulge in what people classify as sins or the forbidden, you indulge in peace and truly believe that it is your born right to satisfy your desires should they yield no harm to others, you also understand that others may not understand this, it is very rare that you will offend someone for believing different than you.
People who know you see right through you, and you are only close to those who are the same, you seek clarity and understanding always, and in it's absence you lose interest. You are unable to be close to people who are not as transparent and clear as you are. For the people who are not close to you, you are almost impossible to understand, especially since you cannot be bothered to offer any explanation of who you are, you simply do not care."
She had my full attention as she paused.
"You have been through a traumatic relationship, and ever since you have not wanted anything to do with men. You may have had relationships since, but deep inside it is very hard for you to be with a man. You have very deep wounds that have only healed at the surface making everything look fine, but when anyone applies even little pressure on the skin covering the wound you want to scream.
After this relationship you became much more private and detached, and i would assume that at heart you have no faith in men and have no interest in having real faith again.
Don't worry, this is not a permanent state, it will pass, but not yet, it will still be a while"
I must have been very wide eyed while i looked at her, cause she smiled and said:
"Is any of this true?"
I nodded and said yes, the woman had won me over, i couldn't help it.
I told her that i had nightmares about that part of my life almost every week even though it was a long time ago and i never thought about those times when i was awake. I told her that i was now happy with someone else. I told her i have willed myself to not be that way. I told her i saw no reason why i should be that affected by something that has long since gone.
She nodded and gave no further explanation.
"You try very hard, but it takes time, this is not who you are, it will pass"
I thought about how much little words affected me now, being called over sensitive or insecure feels like digging into a raw wound and pouring salt in the hollow space, and i went back to that feeling of wanting to be alone forever in a very far away place.
She must have read the distraught look on my face, because she suddenly said "i have some good news though.."
I smiled, and looked at her eagerly "tell me.."
"You will have or are having one hell of a sex life!"