Monday, August 06, 2007

During the Night

I don't know why i get such bad nightmares. They are so disturbed as well, mutations of people into other bodily beings, with blood exploding and splashing all over, sometimes even with a perverted sexual twist that is anything but pleasurable, they are so graphic and grotesque, i often wake up wondering what i have done in my life to deserve those kinds of dreams..
After my best friend died in a car crash ten years ago, i spent two years suffering from recurring nightmares of graveyards and death, ranging anywhere from being lost in a cemetery with no way out at twilight battling against time to get out before it gets dark, to watching people i know lying bleeding from open wounds next to a dug out hole in a cemetery waiting for their death so they can be pushed into the slot.
For two years almost i dodged sleep, i slept sporadic hours during day time, and agonized over battling sleep during the night. After that the nightmares calmed down in nature, they went completely psychological rotating around an abusive relationship that was to form much of my character later on. The nightmares were justified even then, i was not leading a good life, i was unhappy with all that i was, i was going through the horrible early twenties where it seems one is known to be quite lost. It was justified to have nightmares, i could live with it because in a fucked up way i thought i deserved it.
I moved to France and life got better, my life style got healthier, my choices were mine and i grew up a bit. My nightmares recurred less frequently, due to the positive life change and regular exercise, but still, every few weeks i'd get a nerve wrecking dream, out of nowhere, flames, attacks, mutations, distortions, and death, always lots of death.
I thought that i must be detoxing from all the suppression i did as a child onwards till i became an independent entity, i decided to give it time and ignore it, and i've lived like that ever since. The thought that my subconscious holds material for these nightmares never stops scaring me though, it really terrifies me that i have thoughts buried somewhere that can be a constant feed to these never ending nightmares
This morning i woke up from yet another nightmare, blood, amputated distorted body parts, combined with disappointments in a parallel scenario. My dreams are always about people i know, and most disturbingly, people who are important to me.
In my frenzy of waking up i sent a message asking if he was ok, he was part of the dream, of course i shouldn't have cause it was 7am or something, and that is whacko mental behavior, but i was still in my frenzy, in the dark world where bad things happen for no reason.
When this happens and i wake up and he's next to me, i crawl up near, listen for a breath, put my ear against the rhythm and take comfort that everything is still the same and all that harm was just a dream, and the rhythm of the breathing eventually puts me back to sleep..

Can someone please, please tell me if this is still borderline mad or if i have always been insane?

9 comments:

insomniac said...

i am not much into labels... anyways, i don't think ur mad!! i guess u can always talk to a therapit or something and let them be the judge of that

Will E. said...

The fears that you fight off during the day fight you back at night.

N said...

i don't consciously fear these things... is it unconsciously?
is there any way to just be unafraid?

Faisal said...

I would suggest the therapist as well. Also, I read somewhere that your subconscious minds does turn events of the day into different things when you dream... like metaphorical images?

I hope they stop and you get your complete rest when you sleep.

Good luck!

Cairene said...

Even Freud says that you are best at interpreting YOUR dreams. You know where they come from, somehow, what they mean.
I usually only remember the nice dreams! Maybe I block the other ones out. Maybe YOU block the nice ones out.

It is said, by I cant remember who, that you can also control your dreams. Maybe if your mind is set to having nice dreams you can truly have nice dreams.

According to many psychology people, your nightmares can very well be an outcome of not being able to relax very well before you sleep. You might want to try yoga, if you're a fan of that, or maybe calling someone who has a soft voice before you sleep (since company seems to make you feel safe), having a warm shower, reading fairy-tales (exclude the ones with the witches and Roald Dahl and such) maybe.

I would have told you to go to a psychoanalyst if I believed that they're any good. Honestly, I am not a big fan of practitioners.

Will E. said...

Well if you consciously feared them, then you wouldn't dream of them that frequently. I think it's a reaction to forcing yourself not to consciously fear them.. Maybe you didn't gradually overcome these fears, just abrubptly and it's sort of a way your subconscious mind deals with decisions.. somebody's gotto do the dirty work.. but the again I'm no psychologist.. I might be off.

Will E. said...

cairene, I think everybody says you can control your dreams :) lucid dreaming... Takes hard work, there are a few sites to help with taking these steps, but it may take a long time and some dedication.

N said...

i heaer lucid dreaming was dangerous...

Juka said...

Hey you! Hope the nightmares are becoming fewer and further in between.