Sunday, November 18, 2007

Two

I shall split you into two:

The man i so wanted you to be
And the man you turned out to be

Yes, that is what i will do. To preserve my sanity, to forgive my disloyalty to my instincts, to get through these horrid times. I shall split you into two.

I knew, of course i knew, i doubted every word, i filled every gap in your stories with fractions of my imagination. I knew, i always knew something was wrong.

I shall split you into two:
The man i looked up to, the man that wished me good mornings and good nights, the man that called me love, the man that kissed my shoulder, the man who bought me books, the man who made me laugh.
The man that got me.
The man that held me long and never tired of holding me.
The man who promised me protection from the world.

To find my peace i will separate the man who was my best friend from this other man. And then i will tell myself that my best friend went to a place far far away, where there are no phones and no planes, no good mornings or good nights.

I shall split you into two; the best friend that had to go away, and this other man...

I will not ask why you did this anymore.
I will not try to understand, what i cannot understand.
I will not repeat every word you said to me this week.
I will not remember the other things.
I will not remember them.

I will not wonder just how much longer you were going to lie.
I will not wonder how much more you did not tell me.
I will not wonder what in your life pushed you to be this way.
I will not wonder how that same man had no heart.

I will not wonder about your heart. Or lack thereof.

I shall split you into two, the man that loved me, and the man that is capable of this.

I will bid the man that loved me farewell, he is no longer here, i don't know why he had to leave but i will accept that he had to. The best ones always leave early.

And i will forget the man who was able to do this.
To hold and to lie.
To kiss and to lie.
To love and to lie.
To talk and to lie.
To breath and to lie.
To touch my scars and to lie.

To find his way into my life, manipulate, and lie.

I will not wonder where you got the heart.

I will move on and forget that such things really happen, or that they happened to me.
I will take what i want from this and move on.

You will not have devastated me. You will not have drove me crazy. You will not have had me believe that all the world is one big lie.

I am better than that. Yes i am.

When i doubted i was not crazy.
When my nights were sleepless, i was right.
When you told me i was wrong, i was not.
When i was unhappy, i had reason.

The only thing i know that matters to you is to lose.

You lose.

In this little game that we played where i am one and you are two, you lose.

You lose me, you lose you.

As for me, i will separate the man i so wished you were, from the man you are today.

I will split you into two, and let you both go.

I am better for it. Yes i am.

5 comments:

La Gitana said...

He was unfaithful wasn't he? At least that's what I gathered because every word you said described how I felt when the love of my life was unfaithful to me. It was so devastating.

insomniac said...

this was the most touching thing i ever read! couldn't relate more :)

lies hurt so badly, and trying to figure them out and analyze them drives us crazy... hence, i am glad u decided to split him in two... hope you can let go...

and yes, one should always listen to one's instincts....

u will be ok N, u deserve to be ok, and eventually u will... just hang in there girl... and sorry for sounding cliche

Faisal said...

Im sorry that you had to go through whatever happened.

I want to commend your writing, bas feel it's inappropriate considering how unhappy it is.

Nora said...

I am sorry you're not feeling well.
Hopefully all will pass soon.

I love what you wrote and you inspired me to seperate everything like that...

I hope you feel better soon...

Cairene said...

I admire you for being able to separate, or at least try to. I never could and that's why it hurt like a big blob chunk of something heavy stuck in the veins of my left hand because I'm left-handed!

And I hope you don't move on too quickly before you've comprehended all that happened and all that felt wrong to bits and pieces because, unfortunately, that's how one learns. Or not comprehend, but have in your subconscious memory.
Sad but true, the sun still rises and the birds still sing and it still gets colder by day and life never stops. Sad because you may wish you could have a break but it helps better understand the change of season :]