Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Scrap Book

I've often gotten the feeling that i live in a scrap book of my life; a book of initially blank unlined pages that i fill with doodling and pictures, poetry and prose, articles and blabbing, signatures here and there. It's a weird feeling, i don't know if everyone feels like this, i suspect i may be more self absorbed than most or more caught up in the intensity of my own life than most. Do most people constantly think about where they are and what they've done and where they've been? Do most people have a checklist for experiences to be had by 20, 30, 40, etc...? Do most people wonder how many lives they could live in the one life? Is everyone as weird as i am so often accused of being? Is everyone as selfish and stingy with their time? I realize that is the driving force behind my reluctance to commit to things that are too constraining, does everyone have the same reasons?
My scrap book is like a mission to me, i.e. the livelihood and activity of my life in itself is like a mission for me. After years and years of facing fears i have come to accept that my ultimate fear is that of being bored, or feeling that i could be feeling/doing more, nothing terrifies me more than the possibility that i am not experiencing what i should, be that in terms of people, places, dreams or work. It is recurrently on my mind that i have not started that book, started a writing path, lost that extra weight, been to Barcelona, bummed around Latin America, lived on an island for a few years, seen that dance show i love, bought my studio on the beach, taken love to the extremities of tests and passions. It is my ultimate fear that my scrap book not have pictures of all my dreamed of destinations, descriptions of all the people i should meet, stories of all the adventures there are for me, scribblings and doodling of a person out there in the world seeing and doing it all.
I've been feeling unsettled and unbalanced since i got back to Cairo, i think i finally know why... Cairo overwhelms me with tasks, traffic and obligations that it takes me away from my scrapbook, it takes me away from the me i cherish most, the me that puts memory next to picture and doodles on the side to compile her book of life. I have realized that i am happiest in my scrap book, two steps back from the world. Am i so very weird or does anyone relate to this?


Cairene said...

I have that scrapbook. I've had it since I was 11! Sometimes things don't happen exactly when I want them to :D See, I was supposed to stop being a tomboy at 16, but I stopped at 18 (at least from my perspective).

I was supposed to have really long hair at 20, of course that one didn't happen hehehehe.

You're not weird, you're just too dreamy for the people who call you weird!

Sometimes I lose track of my scrapbook, too. And sometimes, I lose so much time of my life in waiting for the right time to start doing something that was on the checklist :D

If you think you're weird, me and my best friend are ALIENS heehehe.

It takes so much guts, though, to do what you really wanted to do, but I've seen people who did. It gave me so much hope.

Last year, I met a man who's been living in Sinai for a good two years.

He used to be a successful photographer in the business of advertising. In his 40th birthday he realized all of a sudden that this is not how he wants to live, so he changed it.

It sounds pretty surreal I know...but I bet if you give yourself the push, I might be meeting you next year in an Island where you have your own studio :D

(this is the longest comment I ever wrote)

Will E. said...

I have a similar scrap book but it's usually of things to be rather than things to do. All that I consider accomplishments are in character not actions.

Not sure which of us is weirder though :)

Anonymous said...

now, that u've explained what's been taking u away!!

coming to think of it, everyone is weird in their own way.. believe it or not, ur not that weird..

finally, ana mafare2tekomsh (now that took me a while to spell) as u mentioned on K's blog.. i am "alive and blogging", just with this new account.. i was done with Organized Chaos (u should know all about the fickle gemini in me ;) )

see u there!

N said...

Cairene: :)) does it make me any weirder that my scrap book is not a book but a blog and photo album and endless notebooks?

thank you so much for the longest comment you've ever written, it is so very very appreciated!
If i ever buy that studio on the island, you have a personal invite :)

Will: you're weirder, cause if not i am trully going to panic :p

Insomniac: yeah, i've been inactive for the whole of ten days at a time! hehe.. i've missed blogging, am intending to get back into the daily habit of it.

Juka said...

I can relate to how Cairo overwhelms; it certainly has that impact on our lives. I love the notion of a scrapbook, a way to document events, memories, thoughts and achievements. No matter how you choose to do it, a blog, a notebook, photo album, these days people are using Facebook. I guess it boils down to our desire to be remembered... anyways. I hope you get to do the things you've set out to. May your scrapbook rapidly become filled with entries, and may you always stop by this scrapbook and keep us posted. I had honestly missed you.

N said...

Juka: :) as always, very kind words on your part. thank you.

Carmen said...

You hit the nail on the head re: why Cairo is so overwhelming.

But you're not weird...we all value our time and want to make the best of it.