Friday, June 23, 2006

Temporary Peace for the Obsessive Mind

In the vicinity of a lifetime and the serenity that surrounds, I contemplate and fail to find a time when I was mine. In the pebbles and the stones stuck between my finger toes, I walk this walk and talk the talk of complete apathy. Deranged from the estrangement of a day so complete, and a logic – so obsolete.
In a day as hot and dry with the mountains covered by bits of gray, that just may plummet and scare any man and I would not remotely care; the water between here and there dazes me today.
Crawls up to my feet and teases my dress, I smile at the breeze and this sneeze is the first sign of life today, has that much of my day been thrown away?
In the mirror of the water, stirred and blurred and placid in judgment, I see;
I am swept; I have kept my sanity even though.
In the watery blueness of the sky and thus the sea, as I walk down this sanctuary beach do I look like I breach my vows to me repeatedly? Do I look like I; have no will over thoughts, no skill over knots?
With the mess that is my hair, and the aura of no care, as I slowly walk and peacefully talk to myself, can anyone see the shrewd apathy?

I sit down for a while, and I know that my smile is at the bitter cynicism lifted from my chest if only for now. I know that if you sat by the tip of this sea, you would not have these same thoughts of me. I know that when you stroke my face to take away my breath, you will soon break me a little more. I know that when you quiver every time I shiver to the words of surrender uttered, you move farther away from the girl that makes you shudder.
How selfish must I be, to want all of you for me? How greedy, how needy, to not enjoy the bliss of you, knowing I inevitably look forward - to missing you.
In the stillness of this illness, of a love so blinding enhanced in an evening so unwinding that I ache for the peace of rationale asked and pleaded for in both anger and despair.
You see as you wrecked your mind, and I went blind, all the words were said, and all the meanings of the words had left.
As I drained you for the meaning of my being, and the facing of my fears, you got used – to wiping tears.
In the mind’s trap of lifelessness and distancing from this world, where you are the comfort and the reason for discomfort every other place, I yearn for what used to be personal space and is now just a gap where I’m alone.
When you are all that rights me and every breath within you fights me, when you caress while you undress my many shields, you break my heels.

What is it about this captivating day, that makes me push you just a little bit away, far enough to see, what I in comparison to you – mean to me?
What is it about all this blue that makes me recognize my demons in you? Yet makes me know that I would walk down those footsteps and would block, all that would harm you, or contemplate separating me – from you.
What is it about this sea that eases the pain of this weakness in me? That stills the soreness and relieves the mind, no one is blind and no one can be rendered unkind.
Of the many choices, and the countless voices, you are who you are - to me.

I can have some peace; as timeless as this sanctuary beach and this day, I as always, choose to live – for today.

No comments: