Tuesday, July 22, 2008

On the tribulations of letting go

I am an engineer. And even though i have not earned one day's living being one, i am one nonetheless, and being an engineer means that i have spent five years of my life being taught certain things. I have spent five years being formatted to understand that there are many solutions to any given problem, but we are meant to only rest when we find the fastest most efficient and consistent solution, that there is always an explanation to any dilemma, and that we have no choice but to persevere. We spend five years learning how to solve problems, and to never rest unless the riddle is unraveled. I am very much an engineer in how i deal with my life, not my work, my life. I think logically, i mind map any situation, i recognize motives, actions and reactions, i retain objectivity, i am methodological and consistent, i do not lose sight of the ball, i persevere like you would never believe, i do all this subconsciously, i am such a good engineer that i do this by nature, it is no effort to me, it is how i am.

I cannot not understand, i cannot make peace without understanding, i always need to know why. This is what lies at the core of my discontentment with religion, this is why i am not completely over what certain people have put me through, this is why i am often skeptical, and other times too trusting. It all comes down to just how much i understand about you or it.

It's a curse but i just can't let go until i understand why... why?

I am also, a writer, a poet, a free spirit. I am passionate and impulsive to a fault, i am in love with all emotions, i ride the roller coaster of life like one would a passionate lover, like one would move in a contemporary dance; i let go and let it throw me all over the place. I have done this from so early on that rarely do i face an emotion that i have not known before. I know anger from anguish, anxiety from abuse, excitement from insecurity, love from lust and passion from infatuation. I know trust from denial, i know willfulness from desperation, i know sadness from heartache, i know emotions.

When you spend a decade trying to understand every emotion life throws your way in order to handle it practically to be able to yield the fastest most efficient outcome, you are someone like me, someone who believes she can have it all, the fullness of feeling everything, and the sanity of understanding every second of it as well.
You are probably someone, who like me, is so exhausted that you need 8 hours of sleep every day. You are probably someone who needs a lot of quiet alone time. You, like me, probably have trouble accepting that sometimes you just have to let go without understanding.
You are probably someone with either emotions in the way of your logic, or logic in the way of your emotions.

You are probably someone who, like me, wish you could just let go without the periodic nag and dire need to understand.... why?


zoss said...

so I see you've finally decided to let this one be -- why the hesitation?

(was it the last line?)

haijekov said...

If i were to be a person eloquent enough to articulate his feelings and thoughts well, i would've said exactly that ...

seeking the why before letting go has never done me any good ... yet i was never able to let go without understanding the why ... it's a really vicious cycle.
however, letting go is eventually a must orelse we'll never lose the angst and the resentment we feel towards whomever we're letting go of ... and hate is never a good thing at any stage.

Maybe it IS an engineering thing ...