When i was a kid, i thought i would fall in love and marry by my early twenties. I thought love was simple, i thought it just happened, i thought you met someone, felt the rush, the talk flowed, the hands reached out, the mind, body and soul would merge and we would just be good to each other.
Needless to say, this has not at all been the case. By my early twenties i had managed to prove to myself time and time again that it was at the very least, not so simple. Every time i was with someone i cared about, i discovered a new form of love. Every relationship i had, presented emotions that were so very easily misconceived as love; sympathy, dependency, obsession, addiction, fear, boredom, desire, lust, intimidation, infatuation, delusions, etc etc etc etc etc! After a while i became so very conscious of how i felt that today i say i have only been in love once, and in retrospect i secretly sometimes wonder if even that was love. In retrospect to my most recent relationship, i wonder if someone can be in love sometimes and other times not in a relationship with the same person. I have decidedly chosen to use the word love instead of being in love, it is alot less politically complicated and people don't hold you to it.
What i have learnt through five actual relationship that lasted for quite some time, what i have learnt from being with these very diverse men, what i have learnt despite myself, is that love alone is not enough. Some people are born knowing this, or when are told this they listen. I am not someone who listens. I need to experience everything and discover it myself, it is absolutely hopeless to talk to me about love or men. I think i know better, i think i always know better, and oh how ironic it feels when everyone turns out to be right.
I have recently broken up with T, a man i loved, i loved him more than i liked to admit, and if i am absolutely honest there are times when i was in love with him, but it was despite myself, i was never completely happy about loving him.
I met him at a time when i was aware enough and mature enough to see his faults. I embarked on the relationship consciously, i did not suddenly find myself entangled as i often did. I chose to be with someone who was detached and not committed, i chose it because i wanted to learn how to handle it, i wanted to toughen up and of course i liked him alot. After 18 months of being with him (on and off) i know exactly why i left him as well. I left him because love alone, is not enough. I would always be the one building, i would always be the one waiting for him to take another baby step, i would always be making things better for him, i would always be maintaining and guiding him, i would always be his source of energy, and he would always give less back in every way. It is not his fault, this is who he is; selfish and self absorbed, a little boy who was wounded and learned to take it out on the world, i cannot choose him and then complain, i cannot expect him to change for me, i chose him, i signed up for it, and finally when it was time to let go, i chose to leave him. No ill feelings, no resentment or anger, we loved each other the best we could, but love is just, not enough. It doesn't build trust, it doesn't build homes, it doesn't strengthen ethics, love alone does not give you the hope of a good tomorrow that makes today beautiful. It needs water and sun and air to grow or it remains stagnant, and the other factors that rule us get to be too powerful for love to numb them.
I have recently met the man i am currently dating, i had already decided to leave T but i lacked the guts, i lacked the belief that there was better out there, i lacked the energy to leave someone i had no tragic urgent reason to. This person came out of nowhere and made the execution much easier, not because he was there - that much is obvious - but because he reminded me that there is more out there, and that love alone, is not enough.
It can be perceived that i left a man i loved, for the chance to be with a man i felt i could one day love more. T loved me, but this man showed me that he could love me better, make me happier, make my life healthier, help me be a better person and exchange energy with me by giving as much as he takes, if not a little more.
The past few weeks have not been easy, leaving someone you love is not easy, leaving them with someone else already in your life burdens you with enormous amounts of guilt even if you know in your heart that you are leaving because they didn't make you stay. The past few weeks have shown me that leaving intimacy is hard, and embarking on new intimacy is even harder.
So why leave a comfort zone? Who leaves a man she loves for a man she could love?
Someone who understands that love alone is not enough.