Things I've learnt

• Quitting when you're ahead is under rated
• A good pizza is a rare commodity
• First kisses almost always suck
• Holding out is over rated
• Hardly anyone ever returns the wine bottle after tasting it
• Ice skating is not for everyone
• An ego is only as large as you inflate it
• Tequila doesn't go well with ka7k el 3eid
• Rebounds work
• If forgiveness is not possible, forgetfulness will do
• Clever is sometimes very stupid
• No one is keeping score
• Credit cards are malicious
• Time flies either way

Simplicity

The more time i spend in this world, the more i get to know things about myself, and the less i understand the world.

2007 was hard, everything about 2007 was hard. Breaking up with T was hard, moving back was hard, work was hard, attempting a long distance relationship was hard, two break ups in one year was hard, accepting that you have been very delusional, is very hard.
Holding grudges when you are supposed to is very hard for me. Accepting that i am still the last person standing, is hard. Letting go has always been and always will be hard.

2007 was hard, and i was scarcely happy; i was very far away from myself.

2006 was the year of fun
2007 was the year of work
may 2008 be the year of me.

Happy new year to you all, may your year end with closure, and the next start with hope.
May you meet consistently good people, and may you discover more of the wonder that is yourselves.
May you embrace the sanctity of truth, and the reward of being good.
May you find pride in who you are, and satisfaction in what you do.
May you do unto others, as you would have done unto yourselves.

May you find peace, and have fun in the process.

Love,
N

Free Me

I want to fly away
To sleep for months on end
and wake up to the warmth of a man i love in my bed
I want to unclench my shoulders
To lose myself in the scent of someone familiar
I want my mind to stop
I want to allow the tears to drop
To let myself feel everything
Without fear of tomorrow
or fear of my own harsh disdain
I want to feel without restraint
I want to walk on water
To know the freedom of release
I want rip my shields to pieces
I want to collapse in another's arms
I want to relinquish control
I want to bare myself to the storm
I want to only believe
I want my alter ego to leave
I want to fly away

Falling Out

I don't know why it's called falling out of love. I really don't. I don't think the decision to be with someone or not has much to do with love....
I still love the few men i was once in love with. I still love them very much, i would still do pretty much anything for them. I still regard them softly, i still have feelings of affection for them, i still love them. I don't think i have fallen out of love with them... at all.
People should call it falling out of want... or need... or habit...
Getting over someone like a bad habit, or an addiction. Shifting our attention elsewhere, shifting our desires elsewhere..
Falling out of want,your mind deciding that you don't want to have the love, you only need to feel it, not own it. To love for the sake of love, and not feed off it. To love with no reciprocation, and no fixation, an absolute abstract love with no expectation. A love that is let go of. A subtle lingering bitter sweetness that is irrelevant to anyone's actions.
I don't think any love that was truly felt can be undone, unfelt. Love is not something we acquire, it's something we realize within ourselves, brought out by people we cross paths with. I cannot unrealize love, if i had my way with the world that would be a crime.
But hell, if i had my way with the world no one would recognize it anymore.

Falling out of want... yes i am.
Yes i am...

The Black Book

My friend walks in on me at work, as i stare at the computer way after working hours.
F: You still here?
Me: Uh huh
F: Have you moved in?
Me: i still take showers at home..
F: You need to rebound.
Me: I've been rebounding for six years straight, i think it's proven to be a bad idea
F: Well it beats dying at your desk
Me: You have a point i guess
F: So what are the options?
Me: Options?
F: The black book, lets bring out the black book
Me: I have two exes calling for dates
F: How'd they know?
Me: Bloody facebook, tells the world when you remove the relationship thing
F: Which exes?
Me: X & Y
F: Dear God!
Me: Exactly
F: What else is on the table?
Me: Heartthrob is back from Canada...
F: No!
Me: Yup, and has a pool table at home... and wine in the fridge
F: He called you?
Me: Msn. The internet has fucked romantic gestures
F: Go for it!
Me: Said i'd give him a call, drop by some time, can't be bothered awy...
F: Ok.. we don't want to jeopardize chances with heartthrob, not seeing him in your mood might not be a bad idea
Me: Right
F: Anything else?
Me: I have an open invitation to Holland. He even offered to buy me the ticket
F: Ya moseibty
Me: Right
F: Don't!
Me (had to laugh): probably wont
F: Doesn't he have a girlfriend?
Me: He does
F: So how come he asked you over?
Me: Seriously? Have you learnt nothing about men at all?
F: Sa7. So what will it be, a bottle of wine?
Me: A bottle of wine sounds like the best option, yes.

God bless friends.

Being

I lie on the floor
I concentrate on my toes
The soles of my feet
My calves
My knees
My thighs
My navel
My abdomen
My chest
My arms
My palms
My fingers
I concentrate on my breathing
Inside and out
My eyes are closed
I am heavy on the floor
I am all there is
I am everything yet nothing
I am a feather in God's wind
I am only me
Not what i do or what i think
Just me
I stretch my body as far as it will go, and farther
I test every muscle to the limit
It hurts
And i don't mind
I let every emotion flow through my veins
I let myself feel
I embrace the turmoil
I relax all my body, as i'm told
I look for my center
I find it
I retain it, without holding on to it
I accept
I breathe

I walk out of the class, already waiting for my next class.
I walk to my car, a long walk in the cold, i don't mind, i am peaceful.
I embrace the tranquility of sadness and solitude.
I cherish the silence.
I get into my car, and have no need for music.
I drive in the quiet in the dark streets.
I accept the only thought that comes to mind then;
You didn't need to lie to make me love you.

Fuck It

I'm done.
I have put on my short red dress, my high heel boots, and i'm going out.
I'm going to drink and dance my ass off.
Fuck it. Seriously.

Consequences

What is worse? To have been wronged and pained, or to have wronged someone and pained them?
If you were to ask me, N, i would tell you that i would rather be hurt than hurt someone, not because i am that noble, simply because the guilt and torment of having caused someone pain is unbearable. The responsibility is very real to me. I think that is what sums up why i am a good person.
If a good person wrongs me, i know they feel pain, i know they are sorry, i know they are weighed down with the grief they have caused me. That alone, makes it easy to forgive, logical to move on.
When good people interact together they are operating on the same code. Pain has very little room in life when you are with like minded people.

My problem lies with the wondering of what happens when you are wronged by someone who does not feel? It's the only thing i'm angry about right now. I know it will take time for me to forget that i have been betrayed, i know the bitter taste of lies will stay in my mouth for a while, i know i will waste even more time than i have, unable to open up, skeptical of heart felt words, reserved and clammed up and mistrustful. Because i have strength i know that it wont be long before that has gone. But for the duration, i will cringe when i hear words that are familiar, i will mistrust, i will roll my eyes, i will be out of it, i will be cynical.
It will take even more of my time, because i am human, because i have felt, because i have invested, because i cared.
It would make my journey shorter had i believed i was wronged by someone who cared. I will know that i am not alone in my grief, that it is equally bad if not more so, to the person who has wronged me.
What happens to the people who wrong but do not care?
If they have no conscience, who will be their reprimand?
If they will not bear the consequences of their actions, what will be their punishment for this?

My friends tell me their punishment is in the people that they are, the things they will miss out on in life, their lack of self worth, their knowledge of what they are made of.
I used to believe this, but now i'm not so sure. Do people who have no ethics really care that they are worth nothing? Do people who are so selfish that they rape others of their right of choice really care that they end up alone? Do people who are capable of such devastation feel any discomfort when they watch the consequences of their actions, knowing all along that these consequences would materialize?
Are these not the virtues of good people? To feel remorse, to feel sorry, to feel bad? Isn't that what stops good people from doing wrong?

Is there anything to convince me that this was not done in cold blood and that now it is done, too bad, and life goes on to something new?

Do people who are worth nothing, know or care that they are worth nothing?

I find one consolation, even if they don't feel any of the above, this must mean that they do not feel at all. Do not feel sorrow, hence do not feel joy, do not feel regret, hence do not feel appreciation. Do not feel loss, hence do not feel gratitude.
My consolation is that these people are dead people walking.

And if you are someone who can rape people of their right to choose, manipulate their hopes and dreams, consciously, and feel no sorrow or remorse, feel no need to do whatever it may take to take back your wrongs, if you are a monster, then the very least thing you deserve, is to be a dead man walking.
Neither alive nor dead.
Neither happy nor sad.
Nothing.

The very least you deserve to be is nothing. That should be your consequence.

Am i wrong?

The Drill

I read every word, many times.
I have become an expert at extracting the most amount of information possible from a few lines.
I could see him writing them, choosing one word instead of the other, using an absolutely inopportune word for rhyme.
I could tell which words were written for my benefit. And which slipped despite him betraying traits he should be hiding now.
I read every word, many times.
And then this emptiness consumed me.
Is this what i have loved for?
Is this what i was faithful to?
Is this vanity what i loved?

And i saw it like everyone could see it, apathetically, without interest, like the bad story that it is.
I saw him for the man he was today, a man who only knows how to take the easy way out.
And i felt a surge of relief, i didn't want him anymore. And i worked for hours straight, and forgot he even existed.
And then i got into my car, turned on my music, lit my cigarette, and the pang in my stomach came back.
I missed him. I missed the man he was to me every day for eleven months.

When does this cycle ever end?

Not Enough

Dear Readers of this blog, this is a depressing post, move on from it now if you are in a happy place, i am not.
I am tired of life, i am disappointed at it, i am weary.
Through out my life whenever i went through a bad patch, the death of a loved one, a devastating heart break, i never lost faith. I always knew that this was just happening to me now, that this was just a bad experience i had to go through to learn something to prepare me for the good things to come. I always held the belief that the world was a happy place, that i chose my own misery, that i chose pain over happiness. I never blamed life, i never blamed the world, i took responsibility for my bad choices, and emerged out of every experience telling myself that if i fixed myself i would learn how to choose happiness. I spent endless years fixing myself, loving myself more, treating myself better, shedding one bad habit after the next. I had motivation, i wanted to embrace the world.
Today i find myself without faith, without heart, without a desire to go on. Today i find myself disappointed with the nature of humans, and with the world we live in that is so full of tragedy.

I look beyond my own current drama, and no one i know is happy. My married friends are either bored, unstimulated, being cheated on, or contemplating cheating on their partners. My single friends are either divorced, unstimulated, badly bruised, or trying to settle for a partner to have kids. I have been hearing one sickening story after the next, that i look at my own stories, and i am not that shocked anymore.
I am beginning to think that love is a myth.
Whatever happened to the world? If it's not fear of commitment it's fear of failure, if it's not fear of failure it's fear of boredom, if it's non of the above it's too many options.
Whatever happened to the days of love? Whatever happened to through thick and thin?
Why does everyone - whether with someone or not - end up alone?
Everyone i know who is single doesn't want to be. They say they want love, yet they are not meeting "the one". The people they meet are either too conservative, too loose, too religious, too atheist, too tall, too short, too fat, too bald, too loud, too needy, too pushy, too stuck up, too moody, too restless, too weird, too boring.

Uuuufffff. What is wrong with the world?

My last boyfriend (i will not assign him a letter here) came into my life disguised as the one who will make all my mistakes go away, he was supposed to be the one to make it all better. He promised not to break promises, he promised not to leave when i depended, he promised me a rational mature relationship. To me that was promising the world. I chose to enter into what looked like a healthy chance at something happy. I took a leap of faith, left a man i loved very much who promised me eternal heartache, and decided to love this man.
I had learnt all the lessons of love, to stay independent, to go slow, to have a life, to not fall first, to voice what i want loud and clear, to speak up when i was unhappy, to not get ahead of myself, and to not love him more than myself. These lessons were engraved in my bones from all the men i'd loved before. This time i would not get screwed over, this time i would be good to me, this time i would be happy.

And the rest is history. He broke his promises, he left when i was dependant, he taught me how to go for us when he couldn't. He taught me to trust while he wouldn't. He showed me one more time how nothing is ever as good as it seems.

And here i am. I am not heartbroken, i've lost heart. I am not lonely, i am just very aware that i am alone. I am not angry or bitter, i just have no urge to look forward.
What's the point? Everything ends. Why should i invest in anything if it always goes down the drain? Why should i begin something that will almost surely end?
For the one off chance that it wont? Who has the energy to take that chance one more time?
If love is not ever enough, then what is? If people never know what they want, how can we link our fates with other people's whims?
If people have lost the urge to be happy together, why should i be the only one who hasn't?

I come out of this one not devastated, not heartbroken, not betrayed, I come out older, and disillusioned; the world is not a happy place.

I come out of this one faithless. When all i used to have was faith.

On Love Gone Bad

One of the worst feelings is knowing that it is wrong to love a certain someone.
To know that the only right thing to do is to change all your feelings of love to at the very bare minimum, neutral.
To unlove them.
You force yourself to do it, knowing it is the only way back to good.

Something is very wrong with the world when the only right thing left to do is to unlove.

Cairo Winter

It's getting colder.
I drive to work and there are clouds in the sky, a luxury in Cairo. There are clouds but it's clear and sunny, it's cold but not enough to turn on the heater.
I love this winter, i have missed the last three winters in Cairo, i have missed them badly.
I'm in boots and a t-shirt. My last three winters i had to wait for the frost to melt off the windshield for ten minutes every morning.
For the first time since i moved back from France i feel like i am home.

Two

I shall split you into two:

The man i so wanted you to be
And the man you turned out to be

Yes, that is what i will do. To preserve my sanity, to forgive my disloyalty to my instincts, to get through these horrid times. I shall split you into two.

I knew, of course i knew, i doubted every word, i filled every gap in your stories with fractions of my imagination. I knew, i always knew something was wrong.

I shall split you into two:
The man i looked up to, the man that wished me good mornings and good nights, the man that called me love, the man that kissed my shoulder, the man who bought me books, the man who made me laugh.
The man that got me.
The man that held me long and never tired of holding me.
The man who promised me protection from the world.

To find my peace i will separate the man who was my best friend from this other man. And then i will tell myself that my best friend went to a place far far away, where there are no phones and no planes, no good mornings or good nights.

I shall split you into two; the best friend that had to go away, and this other man...

I will not ask why you did this anymore.
I will not try to understand, what i cannot understand.
I will not repeat every word you said to me this week.
I will not remember the other things.
I will not remember them.

I will not wonder just how much longer you were going to lie.
I will not wonder how much more you did not tell me.
I will not wonder what in your life pushed you to be this way.
I will not wonder how that same man had no heart.

I will not wonder about your heart. Or lack thereof.

I shall split you into two, the man that loved me, and the man that is capable of this.

I will bid the man that loved me farewell, he is no longer here, i don't know why he had to leave but i will accept that he had to. The best ones always leave early.

And i will forget the man who was able to do this.
To hold and to lie.
To kiss and to lie.
To love and to lie.
To talk and to lie.
To breath and to lie.
To touch my scars and to lie.

To find his way into my life, manipulate, and lie.

I will not wonder where you got the heart.

I will move on and forget that such things really happen, or that they happened to me.
I will take what i want from this and move on.

You will not have devastated me. You will not have drove me crazy. You will not have had me believe that all the world is one big lie.

I am better than that. Yes i am.

When i doubted i was not crazy.
When my nights were sleepless, i was right.
When you told me i was wrong, i was not.
When i was unhappy, i had reason.

The only thing i know that matters to you is to lose.

You lose.

In this little game that we played where i am one and you are two, you lose.

You lose me, you lose you.

As for me, i will separate the man i so wished you were, from the man you are today.

I will split you into two, and let you both go.

I am better for it. Yes i am.

.......

My earliest memory of smoking at my window was four years ago, ever since then it has been linked to my world falling apart.
that was the first time i understood that in life anything goes.

I just put out my nth cigarette today, i threw it out my window and the familiar feeling came back. It's so cynical to be more at home with disaster than with happiness.

I am a great girl.
I battle myself and better it. I accept every challenge that comes my way.
I have always fought for what i believed in, even when i believed in the most horrid of things.
Even at the worst version of myself i didn't give up.
I don't know impossible. I was born a fighter.
I try not to judge, i value trying to be humane.
I am fair.

I deserve to be happy, i deserve the simplest joys of life.

And yet somehow i end up at my window, smoking it off; the sensation that the world is crashing all around me. Numb, passive, tired, with energy enough only to light another cigarette, and try to accept that what will be will be.

My head wont leave my head alone.

It's so exhausting being so aware of everything i think and feel. It is so hard being so objective that i can understand insanity. It is so claustrophobic being so emotional yet so mentally aware.

My head wont leave my head alone.

My body aches everywhere, i carry a stone in my stomach, it is a curse being so physically reactive to my mental state.

There is absolutely nothing i can do.

I have done everything right and ended up in the thick of it anyway; I can't move, i can't go, i can't stay, i can't think.

Thrown off my bed into the deep of the ocean.

My head wont leave my head alone.

Real

Real: The man i love holds the door for me and fills up my glass of wine before it is ever empty

Real: The man i love is the best company i know

Real: The man i love makes me laugh at myself, the most challenging of tasks

Real: The idea of my days without him, makes my stomach turn


Real: The man i love devastated me today


Real: For the first time since i can remember, i came home to crawl into my mothers arms

Real: All day i have been repeating in my head
"please make it ok again, please pull through"
"please make it ok again, please pull through"

Real: I still love the man i love, i still want no other man


I am exhausted.

All i want in my world right now is for this man to wake up tomorrow and decide to earn his second chance.

All i want is that, the hope of a chance at something real.


"May you find the strength to do what you think is right, the wisdom to accept it and the conviction to uphold it. May your strength be understood, your wisdom appreciated and your conviction respected."