Tied

I feel your eyes on my body
on my back, down my side
Allowed for you, is my body
i never seem to get that fact
I used to tread the sand
and wander off on my own
through my screaming aching body
i yearn for when time was something
spent alone
through the alleys of my mind
i would weave stories of lust
through the fingers gripping hair
i would break barriers
of love
I miss you
oh how this hurts
this rough nostalgia for days of freedom
smeared with dirt
of a patchwork of happiness
and streaks of oneness
of knowing pain so steep it forces you
to numbness
of whims of a tomorrow
that just may be colored by you
of hoping that this look you give me
means more than just a well wisher
coming through
i feel your hands on my body and remember a time
when not even your eyes could wander this freely
i remember a time
when all i ever wanted was for you to hold me
so completely
how funny it is, this love
escaping us while we dare it
and gripping me now
till it hurts
I feel your hands on my body
and know this is where i belong
i leave my hand in your heart
and know that marriage is for the very naive
and the very very strong

Your World

Falling
In love, in lust, in protection
I am
Resisting, like drowning
I gasp for one last breath
of fresh air
I look, deep into
right through you
I know you
I am
safe, safer
than ever possible
with any other man
Yet still, it feels, like falling
like shedding
the one last layer
that keeps me far
from nightmares and longings
and heartaches of various
natures and reasonings
and letting go
I know that it seems
much simpler
for you to love me
and stroke and adore me
and brush my hair
To be yours and be happy
Falling
Resisting
I am
Fighting
And i know you'll win
We both know you'll win me
over to safety
over to you
Falling
In love, in lust, in protection
Falling i am
into your world

Parts of Me

Love, i write you,
now that i am home
away from the days of being
with you yet alone
love, i write to bid
farewell to that part
that all this while has been
resting in your heart
to the me that one day wanted
a you that's now long gone
Love today i release
the me that only you have known
I write to say goodbye
to the part of me i left with you
Love, i have, i am, i do
a part of me will always
be in love with you

Days of Black

I wont wear black
no i wont wear black
you know i'd paint the world that color
if wearing that color
would bring you back
I can still feel the heat
pass from your fingers to mine
I can still see you little underneath that sheet
before the grief replaced
the fear that numbed my spine
And now i tread the day
wishing reality away
wishing i knew
how people who love you this much
can say goodbye to you
I fight back tears
saving them for those who will miss you more
I bite back streams
I know you know i'd cry you rivers
if that would make the world, like it was before
I can't wear black
over you, no i can't wear black
over the freeing of love
over you going home
I just can't wear black
you know i'd paint the whole world that color
if wearing that color, would take all this back

Promises

I promised you that i would love you
every day that i would live
I promised you that my hands
would always find and ease your pain
I promised you that i would smile
every day you spent with me
I promised you that i would stay
no matter what, that i would stay
I tried
oh how i tried
Only to wake up one day finding
that when i promised
I must have lied
There was no air;
My skin could no longer bear your whipping
I could no longer watch the dripping off my back
onto your floor
And i left
And broke the ties that held my soul
in its place right next to you
I tried my love, i really tried
Seems when i told you i needed nothing -
I must have lied
I found myself one day breathless
and my soul found itself homeless
And my softness for you
squirming in its pain just died
Seems when i promised i needed nothing
I must have lied

September 05

Free Me

I want to fly away
To sleep for months on end
and wake up to the warmth of a man i love in my bed
I want to unclench my shoulders
To lose myself in the scent of someone familiar
I want my mind to stop
I want to allow the tears to drop
To let myself feel everything
Without fear of tomorrow
or fear of my own harsh disdain
I want to feel without restraint
I want to walk on water
To know the freedom of release
I want rip my shields to pieces
I want to collapse in another's arms
I want to relinquish control
I want to bare myself to the storm
I want to only believe
I want my alter ego to leave
I want to fly away

Release

In the rising of the dawn
I was always yours
When the present cannot be
Release the image; I am free

With the passing of the spirit
and the crashing of the waves
take a step into the light
there will never be tonight

When your soul withers, dies
surrender to the winds, for you-
set me free and then you cry
I; shall be free until i die

The Insomniac

There were once
two friends of long
Tick and tock
they went everywhere together
and one day found they were bound
for the ever
Tick got sad
and tock got mad
and out of frenzy
they sang a song
tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock
through the night, and all day long
they never used to sing before
now it feels like someones waiting
counting, shouting, anticipating
and in their defence
they blame the sun
and say its always been this way
but imagine a life with no ticking tock
with no shorter distance
with no better way
imagine a life where you can just stay
imagine a life of "what the heck"
with no ticking tock breathing
down the bloody neck

I need to be at my desk in 4 hours and i cannot sleep.

In my Sleep

In my sleep i kept on dreaming
of passionate, softened faces,
then wild places, then one day me
now i dream of days of space
that sit there waiting to be filled
by this and that, by love and want,
by mind and will, by faces still
by replacements for the garbage
in the alleys of the mind
in my sleep i keep repeating:
"I shall not be color blind"

Oh brave souls; you have no fear
you forget the pain
and keep the memories crystal clear
you tear down houses
down to the brick,
and leave your spouses
try every day, just once more
contrary to wishful thinking;
life was never born a whore
In my sleep I sweat repeating;
“I shall stay from fear no more”

I shed my skin one more time,
I wreck my brain
And somehow, someway
I stay sane
Sporadic voices, erratic objects
Presume to mould my life like clay
Oh random things, how clever you
pretend to hold my life like glue
Oh random things, I don't believe
In my sleep I pant repeating:
"All you have to do is leave"

And the soul
it soars higher
and the mind doesn't fight me
every time i desire
and my body doesn't break
when the want in the night
is the want in the wake
So many years spent so lead
with poison flowing in the red
In my sleep i sleep repeating:
"all you need is in this bed"

Hide & Seek

You hide, i seek
I hide, you seek
mocked by the sturdy
obsessive for the weak
i could not live one more day
waiting for things to go away
i couldn't bare the lack of hope
the noose so neatly tied -
at the end of that rope
i called it quits you cried
we play so well this game of hide
so well that tears of truth get lost
amidst the repetitive tears of lies
i could not live one more day
tucked between blankets of grey
and now i suddenly play no more
turns out too much play can bore
now what am i to do?
now that i no longer stay
playing the only game i ever play?
now what am i to do
with this new game -
of only seek?
taken on by the sturdy
and renounced by the weak
i hide, you seek
i hide, you seek...

Shoeless

Praise the lord
for he has sent
a little boy with no shoes
with breakable toys and bendable rules
take the boy, by the hand
ask him why he has no love
watch him look from where he stands
"what do you really mean by love?"
he has a fist, he has his bones
he earns his bread and builds his home
he was given days and ways
clever tricks and abundant greys
and the heart, it keeps him living
and the need forces
just the enough amount of giving
so he isn't always alone
what is love if you were born into the world -
on your own?
what is hope? what is faith?
my days never ended that way
what is trust when all i know
is broken homes and shoving snow?
try a soft hand on the brow
of the boy with no shoes now
watch the wrath, feel the hate
sometimes it really is too late
praise the lord
for he has shown
just why shoeless boys are born

Nostalgia

I pave the road with brick and stone
I pave the road, i pave alone
I hurt my back, i scratch my knees
I wet my hair, i start to sneeze
I've missed you much
I've missed you long
you know i still sing that song
with the bucket from the river
and the promise of forever
and the smile when you said forget me not
bet you think that i forgot
i wear the ring and bear the cross
for eight years now since the loss
i proudly pave your road and mine
i hope you know i carry you with me
all the time

For You

I break in two for you
I do
Not in a bad way
Not at all in a tragic or sad way
But still i split myself in two
A leaf and a rock
to sway with the laughter
and be still with each shock
A touch and a grip
A stroke and a slap
A home and a trip;
an open doored trap
yes, that is what i've learnt to do
I break in two for you

Blurred

Your eyes remain wide
your hands retain the cold
you took the bull by the horns
you were young and acting old
somewhere in your blood stream
you know just what it is
when it sees it, it will seize it
whatever - in all this - it is
you smashed the Greek dishes
and you played with the crane
you painted and not carefully
and you got naked in the rain
you did all they told you
to find the truth of you
you tried all that bestowed you
and now all you can do is wait
for anything to come to you

Sit With Me

Sit with me
Wont you come and sit with me?
It's cold and crisp, its also clear
the sky that is
come sit with me
My nose is cold, my kettle's burning
I have questions , i have a yearning
I have a need for your hand
to take me through the maze of why
to shush me really, should my eyes intend to ...
I know you know beyond my knowing
I know you laid the tiles
long before my bones were growing
I know that if you would explain
I would not understand
so sit with me
Just sit with me
I really only need your hand

Corollary

I will not run
when you leave and i have to face the music i wont run
when i am again questioning myself, i wont run
if you turn out like every other leaf
like every tear rubbed off my face onto my sleeve
i will not run
if you bid me farewell in your crossing
if you forget me in your reality
if the me i forge becomes so weary in this tossing
i will not run
i will sleep, and i will tear
i will surrender to the fear
i will look myself in the eye
this time i wont wonder why
and i will not run.

Good Morning

Lazy morning
cloudy blankets
tranquil quietness of fall
leaves in reds, threats of rain
the terrace always feels the same
the hair's a mess, the coffee's warm
a pashmina wrapped around the arms
the horizon calls
but not in sad tones anymore
good morning life
how you dance
how you tip toe and you play
how you put a quiet smile on my face today

The Morning's Disarming

There's something about him
Sleeping like that both arms hugging the fluffy pillow
There's something about him
He looks so peaceful, he almost looks kind
He looks like the man i insist he is in my mind
His knees are curled up towards his chest like a child
His face is passed out from the hardship and the wild
There's something about him, the way his breath is so regular
About how the rhythm of his chest is so reliable
I know i should leave, I'm already late
But there's something about him now that makes me wait
I sit on the edge of the white linen bed
I sit in the aura of my baby's scent and sweat
It seems he feels me, or maybe he smells me
and he reaches from under the covers and tells me
"come here to me for a second"
I Cherish the moments he holds me so purely
I relish this hug where he loves me so surely
Where i am the best way, to start his day
I smile, i am happy in the now with the man i know could exist
I am happy now even though I know when he calls me later today
He will be the man he is

Memorabilia

I stutter
the shreds of that shirt
are swimming in the gutter
I shiver
you know better than to walk away
if i quiver
I glare
you know i can't resist the torture
of fingers in my hair
I grit
my teeth, my skin
the neck that you just bit
I moan
from the char i need to part with
carved within on walls by stone
I groan
In dellirium i reach for blankets
to stop the cold from grating bones
I pant, I mutter
I need a shirt to replace
the shreds swimming in the gutter

In Due Time

I used to swing upon a star
and live out dreams of just how far
I'd walk the earth, and swim the seas
I used to map my life on trees
I knew that in my little dress
my super powers were no less
than those i heard of and was told
could always turn ash into gold
And then one year it seemed i saw
that all my dreams had been flawed
that all my passions had been breached
by the reality of what we can reach
in a world so smudged and broken
and a soul that is forsaken
I cried for help, i was not told
that all the energy i could hold
would be so misconstrued and whored
and all i loved, i loved no more
And then the days that roughly went
held my hand and dried my sweat
"now that you have seen my love
just how much we need your love
now that you have glimpsed the world
go out and spread your heartfelt word"