So i went and got myself into another relationship. I know, don't ask, i actually tried to stay single this time, but it just never works out. And as vain as it sounds, being unable to stay single, it has nothing to do with being super attractive or anything, if you ran into me nineteen times out of twenty i will be without make-up, with messy tied up hair and needing to lose a few kilo's, i frown alot and am not very interested in what most people have to say, i'm aloof and seemingly quite self absorbed, and at work i am seriously no fun. Yet somehow i am never without a man's interest. I think it's the independent flair i give off, i guess men feel that if they can make me need them then they have proven to be more manly than man. Maybe that's the explanation, or whatever.
so anyway, i just wish i knew why men needed to smother women so much? And it's always in the beginning of a relationship, always. Thank God my current guy knows me well enough to know better than to baby talk me like some of my exes, but then again i know him well enough to puke all over him if he did! Why do men treat women like they are toddlers in the beginning of relationships? Why the cuteness factor? You know why it bugs me so much? We all know it's not real. We all know that the men wont be keeping it up, that it's not a genuine emotion, it just comes with the novelty of the relationship i guess, this whole i am crazy about you and i finally got you and you're my little precious thing. Luckily i know better than to up and leave as a result of this, as i have seen how time and time again it dwindles over time.
I just wish i could fast forward the first ten weeks of it, fast forward to the good stuff, the sexy talk, the buddy drinking, the fun trips, the pool games, the bickering over chores.
I like it real, what can i say?
Fast forward, please.
Showing posts with label Opinions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Opinions. Show all posts
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Benchmark
It's true; the more people you date, the pickier you get. Once upon a time i used to be oblivious to people's faults, i would only see what made them sunny and charming, once upon a time indeed.
I have been getting out much more in the past few weeks, i've ran into people i hadn't seen in years, i've met new people, and i've had conversations with people i always knew but never really got to talk to, and since i am absolutely uninterested in dating at the moment, i have naturally been getting advances left right and center, for some reason this is how the world works.
So a nice enough guy starts talking to me, and ten minutes into the conversation i can only think of how i am going to exit this conversation. I never thought i was vain, but i'm afraid i must be, it is not natural that i find almost every guy i talk to either too cocky, or too boring, or too chatty, or too fickle, or too shallow, or too vulnerable, or too something that will make him unstimulating. It's like i have a sensor that goes off when i pick up on a trait that i know doesn't sit well with me, it's as if through the gazillion guys i have dated all i have been doing is accumulating character traits that turn me off! You see the first guy you date, you don't know that him being pessimistic could actually spoil it for you, the second guy you date you make sure that he isn't pessimistic, but have no clue that him being full of himself will bore you to death, the third guy you date you make sure he is not pessimistic and not full of himself and after three weeks you can't tolerate his temper for one more day that you have to bail. So what i know now is that i can't be with anyone who is pessimistic, whiny, chatty, passive, dependent, lazy, stingy, bad tempered, possessive, cruel, a high school dropout, sexist, irrational, controlling, rigid, judgmental, hesitant, promiscuous, gay, manipulative or a liar.
And thats what i know, imagine what i don't know...
I put this snobbishness of mine down to being fresh out of a messy dramatic breakup, and thought; ok, since you are in a good place and so off dating, just hang out with your close friends and have fun. So i did that, and then bam! My best guy friend of 100 years pulled a stunt on me and suggested the development of our friendship into more. I have known this guy for 8 solid years, and now i find myself looking at him as one would a nicely wrapped package that you can hear ticking because you are absolutely sure there is a bomb inside. My first thoughts when he told me where, oh shit, now you are going to turn into something absolutely devastatingly intolerable that i am yet to discover... while my mom and friends look at me in bewilderment that i am not jumping at the chance to land such a great guy.
I think i am turning into one of those guys who see any form of a relationship as a potential hazard and an eternal threat to their peace of mind. I so get you guys now! I have alot of single ahead of me, i hope...
P.S: i said almost every guy, some conversations are still fun, thank god for that.
I have been getting out much more in the past few weeks, i've ran into people i hadn't seen in years, i've met new people, and i've had conversations with people i always knew but never really got to talk to, and since i am absolutely uninterested in dating at the moment, i have naturally been getting advances left right and center, for some reason this is how the world works.
So a nice enough guy starts talking to me, and ten minutes into the conversation i can only think of how i am going to exit this conversation. I never thought i was vain, but i'm afraid i must be, it is not natural that i find almost every guy i talk to either too cocky, or too boring, or too chatty, or too fickle, or too shallow, or too vulnerable, or too something that will make him unstimulating. It's like i have a sensor that goes off when i pick up on a trait that i know doesn't sit well with me, it's as if through the gazillion guys i have dated all i have been doing is accumulating character traits that turn me off! You see the first guy you date, you don't know that him being pessimistic could actually spoil it for you, the second guy you date you make sure that he isn't pessimistic, but have no clue that him being full of himself will bore you to death, the third guy you date you make sure he is not pessimistic and not full of himself and after three weeks you can't tolerate his temper for one more day that you have to bail. So what i know now is that i can't be with anyone who is pessimistic, whiny, chatty, passive, dependent, lazy, stingy, bad tempered, possessive, cruel, a high school dropout, sexist, irrational, controlling, rigid, judgmental, hesitant, promiscuous, gay, manipulative or a liar.
And thats what i know, imagine what i don't know...
I put this snobbishness of mine down to being fresh out of a messy dramatic breakup, and thought; ok, since you are in a good place and so off dating, just hang out with your close friends and have fun. So i did that, and then bam! My best guy friend of 100 years pulled a stunt on me and suggested the development of our friendship into more. I have known this guy for 8 solid years, and now i find myself looking at him as one would a nicely wrapped package that you can hear ticking because you are absolutely sure there is a bomb inside. My first thoughts when he told me where, oh shit, now you are going to turn into something absolutely devastatingly intolerable that i am yet to discover... while my mom and friends look at me in bewilderment that i am not jumping at the chance to land such a great guy.
I think i am turning into one of those guys who see any form of a relationship as a potential hazard and an eternal threat to their peace of mind. I so get you guys now! I have alot of single ahead of me, i hope...
P.S: i said almost every guy, some conversations are still fun, thank god for that.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Consequences
What is worse? To have been wronged and pained, or to have wronged someone and pained them?
If you were to ask me, N, i would tell you that i would rather be hurt than hurt someone, not because i am that noble, simply because the guilt and torment of having caused someone pain is unbearable. The responsibility is very real to me. I think that is what sums up why i am a good person.
If a good person wrongs me, i know they feel pain, i know they are sorry, i know they are weighed down with the grief they have caused me. That alone, makes it easy to forgive, logical to move on.
When good people interact together they are operating on the same code. Pain has very little room in life when you are with like minded people.
My problem lies with the wondering of what happens when you are wronged by someone who does not feel? It's the only thing i'm angry about right now. I know it will take time for me to forget that i have been betrayed, i know the bitter taste of lies will stay in my mouth for a while, i know i will waste even more time than i have, unable to open up, skeptical of heart felt words, reserved and clammed up and mistrustful. Because i have strength i know that it wont be long before that has gone. But for the duration, i will cringe when i hear words that are familiar, i will mistrust, i will roll my eyes, i will be out of it, i will be cynical.
It will take even more of my time, because i am human, because i have felt, because i have invested, because i cared.
It would make my journey shorter had i believed i was wronged by someone who cared. I will know that i am not alone in my grief, that it is equally bad if not more so, to the person who has wronged me.
What happens to the people who wrong but do not care?
If they have no conscience, who will be their reprimand?
If they will not bear the consequences of their actions, what will be their punishment for this?
My friends tell me their punishment is in the people that they are, the things they will miss out on in life, their lack of self worth, their knowledge of what they are made of.
I used to believe this, but now i'm not so sure. Do people who have no ethics really care that they are worth nothing? Do people who are so selfish that they rape others of their right of choice really care that they end up alone? Do people who are capable of such devastation feel any discomfort when they watch the consequences of their actions, knowing all along that these consequences would materialize?
Are these not the virtues of good people? To feel remorse, to feel sorry, to feel bad? Isn't that what stops good people from doing wrong?
Is there anything to convince me that this was not done in cold blood and that now it is done, too bad, and life goes on to something new?
Do people who are worth nothing, know or care that they are worth nothing?
I find one consolation, even if they don't feel any of the above, this must mean that they do not feel at all. Do not feel sorrow, hence do not feel joy, do not feel regret, hence do not feel appreciation. Do not feel loss, hence do not feel gratitude.
My consolation is that these people are dead people walking.
And if you are someone who can rape people of their right to choose, manipulate their hopes and dreams, consciously, and feel no sorrow or remorse, feel no need to do whatever it may take to take back your wrongs, if you are a monster, then the very least thing you deserve, is to be a dead man walking.
Neither alive nor dead.
Neither happy nor sad.
Nothing.
The very least you deserve to be is nothing. That should be your consequence.
Am i wrong?
If you were to ask me, N, i would tell you that i would rather be hurt than hurt someone, not because i am that noble, simply because the guilt and torment of having caused someone pain is unbearable. The responsibility is very real to me. I think that is what sums up why i am a good person.
If a good person wrongs me, i know they feel pain, i know they are sorry, i know they are weighed down with the grief they have caused me. That alone, makes it easy to forgive, logical to move on.
When good people interact together they are operating on the same code. Pain has very little room in life when you are with like minded people.
My problem lies with the wondering of what happens when you are wronged by someone who does not feel? It's the only thing i'm angry about right now. I know it will take time for me to forget that i have been betrayed, i know the bitter taste of lies will stay in my mouth for a while, i know i will waste even more time than i have, unable to open up, skeptical of heart felt words, reserved and clammed up and mistrustful. Because i have strength i know that it wont be long before that has gone. But for the duration, i will cringe when i hear words that are familiar, i will mistrust, i will roll my eyes, i will be out of it, i will be cynical.
It will take even more of my time, because i am human, because i have felt, because i have invested, because i cared.
It would make my journey shorter had i believed i was wronged by someone who cared. I will know that i am not alone in my grief, that it is equally bad if not more so, to the person who has wronged me.
What happens to the people who wrong but do not care?
If they have no conscience, who will be their reprimand?
If they will not bear the consequences of their actions, what will be their punishment for this?
My friends tell me their punishment is in the people that they are, the things they will miss out on in life, their lack of self worth, their knowledge of what they are made of.
I used to believe this, but now i'm not so sure. Do people who have no ethics really care that they are worth nothing? Do people who are so selfish that they rape others of their right of choice really care that they end up alone? Do people who are capable of such devastation feel any discomfort when they watch the consequences of their actions, knowing all along that these consequences would materialize?
Are these not the virtues of good people? To feel remorse, to feel sorry, to feel bad? Isn't that what stops good people from doing wrong?
Is there anything to convince me that this was not done in cold blood and that now it is done, too bad, and life goes on to something new?
Do people who are worth nothing, know or care that they are worth nothing?
I find one consolation, even if they don't feel any of the above, this must mean that they do not feel at all. Do not feel sorrow, hence do not feel joy, do not feel regret, hence do not feel appreciation. Do not feel loss, hence do not feel gratitude.
My consolation is that these people are dead people walking.
And if you are someone who can rape people of their right to choose, manipulate their hopes and dreams, consciously, and feel no sorrow or remorse, feel no need to do whatever it may take to take back your wrongs, if you are a monster, then the very least thing you deserve, is to be a dead man walking.
Neither alive nor dead.
Neither happy nor sad.
Nothing.
The very least you deserve to be is nothing. That should be your consequence.
Am i wrong?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Pedestals
One after one, i break my pedestals.
It is such a dangerous thing to have, a person on a pedestal.
I think i've always been anti pedestals, my friends used to tell me about their daydreams of boyfriends or crushes or celebrities, i was always strongly against that kind of day dreaming, of consciously idolizing people with fictitious thoughts.
"It's dangerous" i would say.
Yes, i have always been anti pedestals. I have only been stuck with getting rid of the ones that placed people on them all by themselves, out of naivete or youth, or conditioning.
The other day i found out that our happily married friend was being cheated on, i was not shocked, absence of pedestal for him, good.
A few days ago i discovered i had been lied to for no reason from someone i love, sadness, calmness, the choice to forgive, no pedestal there anymore.
I wonder how many people have me on a pedestal, i can spot a dozen, and i recognize the things in me that would shatter that pedestal for them in a second.
What dysfunctional tendencies us humans have.
It is such a dangerous thing to have, a person on a pedestal.
I think i've always been anti pedestals, my friends used to tell me about their daydreams of boyfriends or crushes or celebrities, i was always strongly against that kind of day dreaming, of consciously idolizing people with fictitious thoughts.
"It's dangerous" i would say.
Yes, i have always been anti pedestals. I have only been stuck with getting rid of the ones that placed people on them all by themselves, out of naivete or youth, or conditioning.
The other day i found out that our happily married friend was being cheated on, i was not shocked, absence of pedestal for him, good.
A few days ago i discovered i had been lied to for no reason from someone i love, sadness, calmness, the choice to forgive, no pedestal there anymore.
I wonder how many people have me on a pedestal, i can spot a dozen, and i recognize the things in me that would shatter that pedestal for them in a second.
What dysfunctional tendencies us humans have.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Why I Fast
Every day my friend at work comes to me with a new reason why she thinks she is fasting, one day it is detoxing the body, the other day it is unburdening the soul, the latest one was self discipline. N, i found it, it's to be taught self discipline!
N: um.. why do you think we need to be taught discipline to begin with?
Silence..
And it goes on and on.
My other friend asked me before Ramadan: will you fast N?
N: Yes i think so, haven't given it much thought, you?
M: I will i guess, but i doubt i will next year.
When i fasted in France my friends looked at me like i was an enigma, sitting with them over dinner having not eaten all day and turning down wine every day for 30 days.
But you're so cool otherwise, how does this make sense to you?
The bf had me on the phone the other day: are you fasting?
N: Yup
Bf (disgruntled): how could people assume that starving themselves all day is something that would make God happy?
I watch the people around me full of contradictions:
some pray but also drink and have sex
some fast and don't pray and drink but wont have sex
some do drugs and bash alcohol
some drink and bash drugs
most of them are on the fence, clinging to the notion of a god in case heaven and hell really were out there awaiting us, or are on the fence still and have some unanswered questions but the idea of god pisses them off, so they take no clear stand.
I had a three hour long conversation with one of my close friends about religion, not God, religion. At the end of which she concluded: so you don't believe in God at all?
I was puzzled, that's not true at all i replied, why does everyone jump to that conclusion?
If i have reservations about religion, i am rendered blasphemous
If i believe in God i am rendered backwards and brainwashed
why does everyone care so much to box?
I am a very simple girl when it comes to my belief in the existence of God.
I believe we are all made of the same thing, we are all essentially good, we shall keep living over and over again through different lives and planes. We are not going anywhere, we are already there, time is like a row of leaves, all happens at the same time, there is free will, and the free will coincides with the free will of the universe, the collective free will.
Hell can be your bad day or mine, hell could be the next life of a rapist having come back as a snail. But no on is to tell me that we were born with instinct that would lead us to rot in hell forever, or that i am to go through life with any notion that i need to be disciplined. The only discipline i need is to make myself stay positive, to prolong my heaven, to enjoy my life.
I have met many great people in my life.
One of the greatest people i met was a gardener in France, she was the kindest and strongest of women, after many months of a lovely friendship, she asked me, so you believe in God?
I said, yes, after alot of thinking i have decided that i do, you?
S: No i don't, i believe in me.
I looked at her admirably, and i told her that for me, that was the same as believing in God.
S: So you don't judge me?
N: Hell no, good on you.
That girl is one of the best people i know.
I have other great people in my life, some of them meditate, some of them believe in Islam and that they are sinners and will calm down one day. Some of them can't be bothered to think about it so pass on making the statement, and some of them are so turned off religion they've renounced the whole notion of it. Others completely and whole heartedly don't believe there is anything more to life than this.
They are all good people, they feed the poor, they try to make people smile, they don't take what is not rightfully theirs and they all earn their living and take care of their friends and family.
What more could you ask for in a person? What more could you want? At the end of the day they all live, we all live, and that is what we were all meant to do, just be.
Whatever your beliefs or actions are, do you think they affect God one way or the other?
You are what you make of yourself, only you lose or gain from how you think or what you do.
I don't know why people think God has anything to do with it at all.
And finally, if it all doesn't matter why do i believe in God? If there are no punishments or rewards, no endings and no beginnings? How is my faith in God so absolute?
Because my faith in God is for me.
It gives me a sense of belonging, a friend at all times, the comfort that i am understood no matter how crazy i am, it makes me feel like i am a part of something.
It's a selfish feeling, i do it for me not him/her/it.
This belief makes me strengthen myself, not expect him to bless me with strength.
This belief makes me able to go on when it's tough, not expect him to make it easy.
This belief makes me feel that no matter how lonely i get, I'm not alone.
Maybe there are people out there who don't need this, who are absolutely happy without this, there is nothing wrong with that, our fingers are not the same, and we would be foolish to want them to be.
So yogi's, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Christians, meditators, atheists and agnostics, and all those other people out there, you are all right if you are all happy, fret not, fight not.
I would celebrate with all of you if i were in your culture or with one of you, i'd light candles and chant mantras, i'd eat turkey and wrap Christmas gifts, it's all about sharing love and wanting good things, that's all we have to have in common.
And that is why i fast.
N: um.. why do you think we need to be taught discipline to begin with?
Silence..
And it goes on and on.
My other friend asked me before Ramadan: will you fast N?
N: Yes i think so, haven't given it much thought, you?
M: I will i guess, but i doubt i will next year.
When i fasted in France my friends looked at me like i was an enigma, sitting with them over dinner having not eaten all day and turning down wine every day for 30 days.
But you're so cool otherwise, how does this make sense to you?
The bf had me on the phone the other day: are you fasting?
N: Yup
Bf (disgruntled): how could people assume that starving themselves all day is something that would make God happy?
I watch the people around me full of contradictions:
some pray but also drink and have sex
some fast and don't pray and drink but wont have sex
some do drugs and bash alcohol
some drink and bash drugs
most of them are on the fence, clinging to the notion of a god in case heaven and hell really were out there awaiting us, or are on the fence still and have some unanswered questions but the idea of god pisses them off, so they take no clear stand.
I had a three hour long conversation with one of my close friends about religion, not God, religion. At the end of which she concluded: so you don't believe in God at all?
I was puzzled, that's not true at all i replied, why does everyone jump to that conclusion?
If i have reservations about religion, i am rendered blasphemous
If i believe in God i am rendered backwards and brainwashed
why does everyone care so much to box?
I am a very simple girl when it comes to my belief in the existence of God.
I believe we are all made of the same thing, we are all essentially good, we shall keep living over and over again through different lives and planes. We are not going anywhere, we are already there, time is like a row of leaves, all happens at the same time, there is free will, and the free will coincides with the free will of the universe, the collective free will.
Hell can be your bad day or mine, hell could be the next life of a rapist having come back as a snail. But no on is to tell me that we were born with instinct that would lead us to rot in hell forever, or that i am to go through life with any notion that i need to be disciplined. The only discipline i need is to make myself stay positive, to prolong my heaven, to enjoy my life.
I have met many great people in my life.
One of the greatest people i met was a gardener in France, she was the kindest and strongest of women, after many months of a lovely friendship, she asked me, so you believe in God?
I said, yes, after alot of thinking i have decided that i do, you?
S: No i don't, i believe in me.
I looked at her admirably, and i told her that for me, that was the same as believing in God.
S: So you don't judge me?
N: Hell no, good on you.
That girl is one of the best people i know.
I have other great people in my life, some of them meditate, some of them believe in Islam and that they are sinners and will calm down one day. Some of them can't be bothered to think about it so pass on making the statement, and some of them are so turned off religion they've renounced the whole notion of it. Others completely and whole heartedly don't believe there is anything more to life than this.
They are all good people, they feed the poor, they try to make people smile, they don't take what is not rightfully theirs and they all earn their living and take care of their friends and family.
What more could you ask for in a person? What more could you want? At the end of the day they all live, we all live, and that is what we were all meant to do, just be.
Whatever your beliefs or actions are, do you think they affect God one way or the other?
You are what you make of yourself, only you lose or gain from how you think or what you do.
I don't know why people think God has anything to do with it at all.
And finally, if it all doesn't matter why do i believe in God? If there are no punishments or rewards, no endings and no beginnings? How is my faith in God so absolute?
Because my faith in God is for me.
It gives me a sense of belonging, a friend at all times, the comfort that i am understood no matter how crazy i am, it makes me feel like i am a part of something.
It's a selfish feeling, i do it for me not him/her/it.
This belief makes me strengthen myself, not expect him to bless me with strength.
This belief makes me able to go on when it's tough, not expect him to make it easy.
This belief makes me feel that no matter how lonely i get, I'm not alone.
Maybe there are people out there who don't need this, who are absolutely happy without this, there is nothing wrong with that, our fingers are not the same, and we would be foolish to want them to be.
So yogi's, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Christians, meditators, atheists and agnostics, and all those other people out there, you are all right if you are all happy, fret not, fight not.
I would celebrate with all of you if i were in your culture or with one of you, i'd light candles and chant mantras, i'd eat turkey and wrap Christmas gifts, it's all about sharing love and wanting good things, that's all we have to have in common.
And that is why i fast.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Things I Love....
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Beliefs
I believe in the one God. The force, nature, the universe, the soul of the world, the source, I believe in the one God, and i don't care what you call him/her/it. I believe in the one God, in you, in me, in the drops that make the ocean, parts of one and all the same. The beginning and the end and all that's in between, the abstract, the all, the light and absence thereof.
I believe in the one God.
I follow my own religion, i mix and match all of yours and pick the ideas that feel right for me. Most of you will call me faithless, but i live with no guilt, no shame, no regret and am subject to no vengeance. I am fair and comfortable, i am my own persecutor, the consequences of my actions are my heaven and hell. I talk to God, we have good conversations, i am happy in my own skin and very comfortable with my ignorance and confusions. I am honest with myself. I believe that God is home.
I believe that the truth always comes out. Always. That's why i stopped lying, there's just no point, it's wasted effort, the truth always comes out. The only person i lie to now is my mother, i lie because i love her, and because i love myself, i lie to protect her, and i do it with love. I would have no fear for myself if she found out my lies, my only fears are for her happiness. I lie to her with no guilt.
I believe that good prevails. Eventually, maybe in a very very long time, maybe in another life, but i believe that good will win over evil.
I am right there in the middle, i was a capitalist, then a socialist, now i am right there in the middle. I believe in equal opportunity and everyones' right to medical care and education. I also believe that if you don't get off your ass and grab your life, you only have yourself to blame.
I am very big on compassion, very stingy with sympathy, i believe one bonds people and the other wrecks them.
I believe in education. If there's anything that would save the world it's teaching people how to think - for themselves that is-.
I believe that love makes the world go round. Not money, not contacts, Love. Love makes the world go round.
I believe in trust, there is no freedom without trust, there is no absolute without trust, there are no dreams without trust, there is no hope without trust. I spend most of my day battling my skepticism and trying to find a way back to trust. If there was one thing i didn't want to lose it's my natural inclination to trust.
I am addicted to travel, i believe that travel gives you perspective, gives you self knowledge, gives you confidence, gives you individuality. I am an addict of travel and change.
I believe the body gets ill when the soul gets tired.
I believe in families and children, and having a lot of people around you that love you enough to scream in your face.
I believe in monogamy, sometimes i thought i didn't, but i believe in monogamy. I believe that intimacy is precious and touching anothers' skin is sacred. I believe in monogamy of the body, mind and soul. I believe in only one person sharing my plate and bed.
I believe in freedom. To each his own every day and any day, i am intolerant to intolerance, the worst thing you can be according to me is judgmental. Whatever makes you happy as long as you don't inflict it on me. I am a true believer of freedom.
I believe in the one God. The force, nature, the universe, the soul of the world, the source, I believe in the one God, and i don't care what you call him/her/it. I believe in the one God, in you, in me, in the drops that make the ocean, parts of one and all the same. The beginning and the end and all that's in between, the abstract, the all, the light and absence thereof.
I believe in the one God.
I believe in the one God.
I follow my own religion, i mix and match all of yours and pick the ideas that feel right for me. Most of you will call me faithless, but i live with no guilt, no shame, no regret and am subject to no vengeance. I am fair and comfortable, i am my own persecutor, the consequences of my actions are my heaven and hell. I talk to God, we have good conversations, i am happy in my own skin and very comfortable with my ignorance and confusions. I am honest with myself. I believe that God is home.
I believe that the truth always comes out. Always. That's why i stopped lying, there's just no point, it's wasted effort, the truth always comes out. The only person i lie to now is my mother, i lie because i love her, and because i love myself, i lie to protect her, and i do it with love. I would have no fear for myself if she found out my lies, my only fears are for her happiness. I lie to her with no guilt.
I believe that good prevails. Eventually, maybe in a very very long time, maybe in another life, but i believe that good will win over evil.
I am right there in the middle, i was a capitalist, then a socialist, now i am right there in the middle. I believe in equal opportunity and everyones' right to medical care and education. I also believe that if you don't get off your ass and grab your life, you only have yourself to blame.
I am very big on compassion, very stingy with sympathy, i believe one bonds people and the other wrecks them.
I believe in education. If there's anything that would save the world it's teaching people how to think - for themselves that is-.
I believe that love makes the world go round. Not money, not contacts, Love. Love makes the world go round.
I believe in trust, there is no freedom without trust, there is no absolute without trust, there are no dreams without trust, there is no hope without trust. I spend most of my day battling my skepticism and trying to find a way back to trust. If there was one thing i didn't want to lose it's my natural inclination to trust.
I am addicted to travel, i believe that travel gives you perspective, gives you self knowledge, gives you confidence, gives you individuality. I am an addict of travel and change.
I believe the body gets ill when the soul gets tired.
I believe in families and children, and having a lot of people around you that love you enough to scream in your face.
I believe in monogamy, sometimes i thought i didn't, but i believe in monogamy. I believe that intimacy is precious and touching anothers' skin is sacred. I believe in monogamy of the body, mind and soul. I believe in only one person sharing my plate and bed.
I believe in freedom. To each his own every day and any day, i am intolerant to intolerance, the worst thing you can be according to me is judgmental. Whatever makes you happy as long as you don't inflict it on me. I am a true believer of freedom.
I believe in the one God. The force, nature, the universe, the soul of the world, the source, I believe in the one God, and i don't care what you call him/her/it. I believe in the one God, in you, in me, in the drops that make the ocean, parts of one and all the same. The beginning and the end and all that's in between, the abstract, the all, the light and absence thereof.
I believe in the one God.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Dislikes
Over the past three months, the boyfriend (i am actually using that word now) has asked me about my dislikes more than he has asked me about anything else, or everything else all put together. I know i am an irritable person, though i may tolerate excruciating pain, little things are intolerable for me. I am about to write down a list for my benefit and his reference and to see from your feedback if it is normal to get annoyed with so many things:
1. Fibbing: when someone tells a story and exaggerates or improvises to make it more interesting, and then weeks or months later tells a totally different version of it because their memory didn't serve them well. This drives me mental, i hate fibbing.
2. Crassness: There are things that i find inappropriate to discuss, language or subjects that are just offensive. Even if someone is extremely close to me, crass talk is highly off putting.
3. Vulgarity: especially what is in arabic known as sharsha7a, even in the form of joking, i see no reason in the world why people would resort to that form of communication to even humorously make a point. The normal forms of vulgarity be it loud, crass or inappropriate drives me just a little less insane, i avoid potentially vulgar people like the plague. Oh, and yelling, you start yelling, i get up and leave.
4. Pressure: i hate it when people look at me expecting me to do something, i fail to believe that they don't know that i already know what they want, and i fail to understand where they come off thinking i should do it for any other reason than my wanting to. If there is any chance i will do something someone wants, it will be because he/she did not ask even though they deserve it as that gives me a chance to choose to do it out of love. Unless of course it is an outright requested favor.
5. Too much heat: unless its on the beach where i can take a dip, if i am too hot, that means i am dehydrated and dizzy and cranky, there is no way around this.
6. Invasion of personal space: I am a very touchy feely person with those i am comfortable with, if you have not been made to know i am comfortable then do not touch me, it does not go well with me, be you male or female. No leaning, hugging, kissing, i do not know you, why are you touching me?
7. Repeating the same question: if i've answered once then i've answered, asking me again is telling me you didn't believe my first answer. Even if you don't believe me, don't tell me.
8. Sarcasm and cynicism during arguments: nothing will end the conversation faster, and it wont end well.
9: Being silly: I hate those movies where its all based on someone being an idiot. I don't appreciate people who try to get attention by being silly. It's a kind of humour that does nothing for me.
10. Baby Talk: if it's not a baby, then don't talk to it like that, and definitely don't talk to me like that. When my own mother does it i take a deep breath, count to ten while she finishes and try not to scream.
11. Being made fun of: call me insecure, call me immature, i don't really care, i don't like being picked on or made fun of, and i don't think i will progress with this any more than i already have.
12. Being vague: i hardly ever ask personal questions, so if i do, don't insult my intelligence, say you wont answer, and i'll buzz off.
13. Guilt tripping: guilt is a useless, senseless emotion, when someone tries to invoke this feeling in me i feel wronged and subjected to unfairness. Call me insane, guilt tripping is by far the thing i hate most on this list.
14. Drama: if it's settled, it's settled, if it's fixable, let's fix it, if someone is upset let's talk about it. If it isn't fixable, lets accept that and live with it. Allergic to drama, anyone's but mine anyway.
Just how unreasonable and harsh am i? you can be honest, i wont take it personally, i only know about 5 of you.. so spill please.
1. Fibbing: when someone tells a story and exaggerates or improvises to make it more interesting, and then weeks or months later tells a totally different version of it because their memory didn't serve them well. This drives me mental, i hate fibbing.
2. Crassness: There are things that i find inappropriate to discuss, language or subjects that are just offensive. Even if someone is extremely close to me, crass talk is highly off putting.
3. Vulgarity: especially what is in arabic known as sharsha7a, even in the form of joking, i see no reason in the world why people would resort to that form of communication to even humorously make a point. The normal forms of vulgarity be it loud, crass or inappropriate drives me just a little less insane, i avoid potentially vulgar people like the plague. Oh, and yelling, you start yelling, i get up and leave.
4. Pressure: i hate it when people look at me expecting me to do something, i fail to believe that they don't know that i already know what they want, and i fail to understand where they come off thinking i should do it for any other reason than my wanting to. If there is any chance i will do something someone wants, it will be because he/she did not ask even though they deserve it as that gives me a chance to choose to do it out of love. Unless of course it is an outright requested favor.
5. Too much heat: unless its on the beach where i can take a dip, if i am too hot, that means i am dehydrated and dizzy and cranky, there is no way around this.
6. Invasion of personal space: I am a very touchy feely person with those i am comfortable with, if you have not been made to know i am comfortable then do not touch me, it does not go well with me, be you male or female. No leaning, hugging, kissing, i do not know you, why are you touching me?
7. Repeating the same question: if i've answered once then i've answered, asking me again is telling me you didn't believe my first answer. Even if you don't believe me, don't tell me.
8. Sarcasm and cynicism during arguments: nothing will end the conversation faster, and it wont end well.
9: Being silly: I hate those movies where its all based on someone being an idiot. I don't appreciate people who try to get attention by being silly. It's a kind of humour that does nothing for me.
10. Baby Talk: if it's not a baby, then don't talk to it like that, and definitely don't talk to me like that. When my own mother does it i take a deep breath, count to ten while she finishes and try not to scream.
11. Being made fun of: call me insecure, call me immature, i don't really care, i don't like being picked on or made fun of, and i don't think i will progress with this any more than i already have.
12. Being vague: i hardly ever ask personal questions, so if i do, don't insult my intelligence, say you wont answer, and i'll buzz off.
13. Guilt tripping: guilt is a useless, senseless emotion, when someone tries to invoke this feeling in me i feel wronged and subjected to unfairness. Call me insane, guilt tripping is by far the thing i hate most on this list.
14. Drama: if it's settled, it's settled, if it's fixable, let's fix it, if someone is upset let's talk about it. If it isn't fixable, lets accept that and live with it. Allergic to drama, anyone's but mine anyway.
Just how unreasonable and harsh am i? you can be honest, i wont take it personally, i only know about 5 of you.. so spill please.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Love
When i was a kid, i thought i would fall in love and marry by my early twenties. I thought love was simple, i thought it just happened, i thought you met someone, felt the rush, the talk flowed, the hands reached out, the mind, body and soul would merge and we would just be good to each other.
Needless to say, this has not at all been the case. By my early twenties i had managed to prove to myself time and time again that it was at the very least, not so simple. Every time i was with someone i cared about, i discovered a new form of love. Every relationship i had, presented emotions that were so very easily misconceived as love; sympathy, dependency, obsession, addiction, fear, boredom, desire, lust, intimidation, infatuation, delusions, etc etc etc etc etc! After a while i became so very conscious of how i felt that today i say i have only been in love once, and in retrospect i secretly sometimes wonder if even that was love. In retrospect to my most recent relationship, i wonder if someone can be in love sometimes and other times not in a relationship with the same person. I have decidedly chosen to use the word love instead of being in love, it is alot less politically complicated and people don't hold you to it.
What i have learnt through five actual relationship that lasted for quite some time, what i have learnt from being with these very diverse men, what i have learnt despite myself, is that love alone is not enough. Some people are born knowing this, or when are told this they listen. I am not someone who listens. I need to experience everything and discover it myself, it is absolutely hopeless to talk to me about love or men. I think i know better, i think i always know better, and oh how ironic it feels when everyone turns out to be right.
I have recently broken up with T, a man i loved, i loved him more than i liked to admit, and if i am absolutely honest there are times when i was in love with him, but it was despite myself, i was never completely happy about loving him.
I met him at a time when i was aware enough and mature enough to see his faults. I embarked on the relationship consciously, i did not suddenly find myself entangled as i often did. I chose to be with someone who was detached and not committed, i chose it because i wanted to learn how to handle it, i wanted to toughen up and of course i liked him alot. After 18 months of being with him (on and off) i know exactly why i left him as well. I left him because love alone, is not enough. I would always be the one building, i would always be the one waiting for him to take another baby step, i would always be making things better for him, i would always be maintaining and guiding him, i would always be his source of energy, and he would always give less back in every way. It is not his fault, this is who he is; selfish and self absorbed, a little boy who was wounded and learned to take it out on the world, i cannot choose him and then complain, i cannot expect him to change for me, i chose him, i signed up for it, and finally when it was time to let go, i chose to leave him. No ill feelings, no resentment or anger, we loved each other the best we could, but love is just, not enough. It doesn't build trust, it doesn't build homes, it doesn't strengthen ethics, love alone does not give you the hope of a good tomorrow that makes today beautiful. It needs water and sun and air to grow or it remains stagnant, and the other factors that rule us get to be too powerful for love to numb them.
I have recently met the man i am currently dating, i had already decided to leave T but i lacked the guts, i lacked the belief that there was better out there, i lacked the energy to leave someone i had no tragic urgent reason to. This person came out of nowhere and made the execution much easier, not because he was there - that much is obvious - but because he reminded me that there is more out there, and that love alone, is not enough.
It can be perceived that i left a man i loved, for the chance to be with a man i felt i could one day love more. T loved me, but this man showed me that he could love me better, make me happier, make my life healthier, help me be a better person and exchange energy with me by giving as much as he takes, if not a little more.
The past few weeks have not been easy, leaving someone you love is not easy, leaving them with someone else already in your life burdens you with enormous amounts of guilt even if you know in your heart that you are leaving because they didn't make you stay. The past few weeks have shown me that leaving intimacy is hard, and embarking on new intimacy is even harder.
So why leave a comfort zone? Who leaves a man she loves for a man she could love?
Someone who understands that love alone is not enough.
Needless to say, this has not at all been the case. By my early twenties i had managed to prove to myself time and time again that it was at the very least, not so simple. Every time i was with someone i cared about, i discovered a new form of love. Every relationship i had, presented emotions that were so very easily misconceived as love; sympathy, dependency, obsession, addiction, fear, boredom, desire, lust, intimidation, infatuation, delusions, etc etc etc etc etc! After a while i became so very conscious of how i felt that today i say i have only been in love once, and in retrospect i secretly sometimes wonder if even that was love. In retrospect to my most recent relationship, i wonder if someone can be in love sometimes and other times not in a relationship with the same person. I have decidedly chosen to use the word love instead of being in love, it is alot less politically complicated and people don't hold you to it.
What i have learnt through five actual relationship that lasted for quite some time, what i have learnt from being with these very diverse men, what i have learnt despite myself, is that love alone is not enough. Some people are born knowing this, or when are told this they listen. I am not someone who listens. I need to experience everything and discover it myself, it is absolutely hopeless to talk to me about love or men. I think i know better, i think i always know better, and oh how ironic it feels when everyone turns out to be right.
I have recently broken up with T, a man i loved, i loved him more than i liked to admit, and if i am absolutely honest there are times when i was in love with him, but it was despite myself, i was never completely happy about loving him.
I met him at a time when i was aware enough and mature enough to see his faults. I embarked on the relationship consciously, i did not suddenly find myself entangled as i often did. I chose to be with someone who was detached and not committed, i chose it because i wanted to learn how to handle it, i wanted to toughen up and of course i liked him alot. After 18 months of being with him (on and off) i know exactly why i left him as well. I left him because love alone, is not enough. I would always be the one building, i would always be the one waiting for him to take another baby step, i would always be making things better for him, i would always be maintaining and guiding him, i would always be his source of energy, and he would always give less back in every way. It is not his fault, this is who he is; selfish and self absorbed, a little boy who was wounded and learned to take it out on the world, i cannot choose him and then complain, i cannot expect him to change for me, i chose him, i signed up for it, and finally when it was time to let go, i chose to leave him. No ill feelings, no resentment or anger, we loved each other the best we could, but love is just, not enough. It doesn't build trust, it doesn't build homes, it doesn't strengthen ethics, love alone does not give you the hope of a good tomorrow that makes today beautiful. It needs water and sun and air to grow or it remains stagnant, and the other factors that rule us get to be too powerful for love to numb them.
I have recently met the man i am currently dating, i had already decided to leave T but i lacked the guts, i lacked the belief that there was better out there, i lacked the energy to leave someone i had no tragic urgent reason to. This person came out of nowhere and made the execution much easier, not because he was there - that much is obvious - but because he reminded me that there is more out there, and that love alone, is not enough.
It can be perceived that i left a man i loved, for the chance to be with a man i felt i could one day love more. T loved me, but this man showed me that he could love me better, make me happier, make my life healthier, help me be a better person and exchange energy with me by giving as much as he takes, if not a little more.
The past few weeks have not been easy, leaving someone you love is not easy, leaving them with someone else already in your life burdens you with enormous amounts of guilt even if you know in your heart that you are leaving because they didn't make you stay. The past few weeks have shown me that leaving intimacy is hard, and embarking on new intimacy is even harder.
So why leave a comfort zone? Who leaves a man she loves for a man she could love?
Someone who understands that love alone is not enough.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
A thought....
If God wanted everyone to follow one religion, don't you think he would have been able to accomplish that?
Man evolves, not just on his own personal journey called life, man collectively evolves. Over the life time of humanity the human being has evolved, from cave man to hunter to trader to traveler to invader of countries and founder of civilisations. We begin from where the ones before us ended, ok, maybe not exactly where they ended, maybe we like to duplicate some work to make sure they got it right, but no one can argue that man as a being was one thing 3000 years ago, and an absolute different thing now, gradually and surely changing over the years.
Can we assume that this change is to the better? I can safely say i think it is to the more advanced, the more knowledgeable, be that better or not is up to you, but it is definitely to the direction of knowing more and understanding better. It is in the direction of discovering more truth about our world.
One can argue that the world is more fierce now, more violent, more racist, more promiscuous. I beg you to take a look at our history as human being and contemplate. Touch lightly on the roman empire and its use of torture as entertainment to the masses, the Greek's sexual relationships between siblings and parents, the massacres of groups of women guilty of witch craft, the enslavement and exporting of humans to serve the civilized world. Contemplate, is it really getting worse? Or are we just here, now, experiencing this and thinking it is worse?
In my opinion, it isn't getting worse, it is in our horror movie of history, getting better, at least we are all aware of the value of the human life and any of us that are honest with themselves are pained at it's unjust loss.
Now lets take a look at the world today, economically, politically, education wise, lets take a close honest look at continents and countries and standards of living. Can you not see how countries that rigidly rule in alignment with religion are the worst off? Are the least educated? Are the most angry? Are the most violent? Are the poorest and worst off? Are constantly in a state of rage against abuse? And we all know that half the responsibility of being abused lies on the abused, if not more. But then again these countries would not know that, they have not learnt to take responsibility for their status, they have not been taught how to choose.
Whats the point?
The point is, that maybe, just maybe, religion as it was taught all those years ago has served it's purpose and is not meant for today. Maybe at that point in time religion was God's way of instilling a basic sense of right and wrong in the immature human being at that time, like teaching a toddler right from wrong through punishment and reward. Maybe over the time people have learnt how to be like that without being confined by religion, maybe we have reached the point where people can find God on their own.
I mean after all, according to one of these books, the end is near, maybe towards the end people have found freedom and found a way to choose their God, instead of adjusting to Him. Maybe the journey of the human being through time has been a success, would God make it any other way really? would God fail?
Again, if God wanted us all to hymn the same things, do you not think he would be able to? Maybe, just maybe our differences are God's way of challenging us, to see whether we will break free from our arrogance and presumptuousness, our rigidity and judgments, our ignorance and our anger. Maybe it's God's way of trying to tell us that no matter, all his children will go home to him, eventually.
Maybe, it's just a thought.
Note: I never write about religeon and such, but this post by Carmen moved me enough to say something about it.
Man evolves, not just on his own personal journey called life, man collectively evolves. Over the life time of humanity the human being has evolved, from cave man to hunter to trader to traveler to invader of countries and founder of civilisations. We begin from where the ones before us ended, ok, maybe not exactly where they ended, maybe we like to duplicate some work to make sure they got it right, but no one can argue that man as a being was one thing 3000 years ago, and an absolute different thing now, gradually and surely changing over the years.
Can we assume that this change is to the better? I can safely say i think it is to the more advanced, the more knowledgeable, be that better or not is up to you, but it is definitely to the direction of knowing more and understanding better. It is in the direction of discovering more truth about our world.
One can argue that the world is more fierce now, more violent, more racist, more promiscuous. I beg you to take a look at our history as human being and contemplate. Touch lightly on the roman empire and its use of torture as entertainment to the masses, the Greek's sexual relationships between siblings and parents, the massacres of groups of women guilty of witch craft, the enslavement and exporting of humans to serve the civilized world. Contemplate, is it really getting worse? Or are we just here, now, experiencing this and thinking it is worse?
In my opinion, it isn't getting worse, it is in our horror movie of history, getting better, at least we are all aware of the value of the human life and any of us that are honest with themselves are pained at it's unjust loss.
Now lets take a look at the world today, economically, politically, education wise, lets take a close honest look at continents and countries and standards of living. Can you not see how countries that rigidly rule in alignment with religion are the worst off? Are the least educated? Are the most angry? Are the most violent? Are the poorest and worst off? Are constantly in a state of rage against abuse? And we all know that half the responsibility of being abused lies on the abused, if not more. But then again these countries would not know that, they have not learnt to take responsibility for their status, they have not been taught how to choose.
Whats the point?
The point is, that maybe, just maybe, religion as it was taught all those years ago has served it's purpose and is not meant for today. Maybe at that point in time religion was God's way of instilling a basic sense of right and wrong in the immature human being at that time, like teaching a toddler right from wrong through punishment and reward. Maybe over the time people have learnt how to be like that without being confined by religion, maybe we have reached the point where people can find God on their own.
I mean after all, according to one of these books, the end is near, maybe towards the end people have found freedom and found a way to choose their God, instead of adjusting to Him. Maybe the journey of the human being through time has been a success, would God make it any other way really? would God fail?
Again, if God wanted us all to hymn the same things, do you not think he would be able to? Maybe, just maybe our differences are God's way of challenging us, to see whether we will break free from our arrogance and presumptuousness, our rigidity and judgments, our ignorance and our anger. Maybe it's God's way of trying to tell us that no matter, all his children will go home to him, eventually.
Maybe, it's just a thought.
Note: I never write about religeon and such, but this post by Carmen moved me enough to say something about it.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Cairo at a Glance
Am moving back, after the constant state of chaos that has been predominant for the past few months, everything has fallen into place this week and I am moving back to beloved Cairo. As my job and social life in the south of
However, as someone who has lived away from home for two years plus, there are things that halt me and make me wonder if
- Traffic. Explosive, uncontrollable, defiant to the laws of space and unyielding. I am told the government has consulted foreign experts and the pros said it is not solvable.
- The prevailing (and by prevailing I mean sole) topic of conversation is relationships. Marriages in particular, engagements are still hip though over due, and other ceremonial celebrations are hot hot topics. The status of people is now officially classified as single or attached. It is truly unbelievable. Divorce though, is much less frowned upon.
- Social consciousness; I myself caught myself watching people and labelling them in bodega, I who pride myself on being open minded and accepting and non judgmental. My other similar friend was doing it too. I think our brains switch to that mode when we land in
- Everyone is tired. No really, everyone is tired.
- Dust, in a relatively low on dust month I was congested through out.
- Corporate life: local companies trying to make it remain the same, either too much money horribly spilled all over the place in horrid taste, or people crammed in the endless start up phase. Both kinds suffer from the same general manager; obnoxious, full of himself, know it all, throwing technical terms all over the place to boost his own ego, during my interview.
- Money laundering: after working with business development for another too years, I walked the streets of zamalek and found myself wondering how on earth “teeto lil khordawat” and “el nasr shoes” or “antiques for your house” had any kind of income to cover their mere expense of renting a store in zamalek. It is fascinating how many shops look like they belong to another lifetime, and have nothing at all to offer any consumer. Money laundering it is, it has to be, no one is that dumb or that rich.
Beloved
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I had almost forgotten
Today I was on the phone with our Quality Control Manager in Cairo, he is my mentor and I adore the guy, he trained me for this job and sees me through almost every sticky work situation, which is really very frequent.
While hanging up he asked me when my flight was, I said Saturday morning isa, and he replied in a deep profound voice "la illah ila allah", and in that one line I sensed his concern for my safety and well being, his genuine care that I make it safely back home. He said it with feeling, with compassion, with brotherly love.
With all these bashings on Islam, all this violence and anger, and my distance from everyday cultural reminders, his words instantly filled me with peace and a thankfulness for being a muslim, however non-conventional of a muslim I may be.
When did we forget about the moderate people who know better?
While hanging up he asked me when my flight was, I said Saturday morning isa, and he replied in a deep profound voice "la illah ila allah", and in that one line I sensed his concern for my safety and well being, his genuine care that I make it safely back home. He said it with feeling, with compassion, with brotherly love.
With all these bashings on Islam, all this violence and anger, and my distance from everyday cultural reminders, his words instantly filled me with peace and a thankfulness for being a muslim, however non-conventional of a muslim I may be.
When did we forget about the moderate people who know better?
Friday, July 28, 2006
In this day and age
M: So, I'm glad you agreed to meet with me, what would you like to drink?
F: Coffee, black please.
The male signals to the waiter with an authorative snap of fingers, and solemnly speaks for two.
M: So, as you've been living abroad and have decided to come back home, tell me a bit about yourself.
F: What would you like to know? You already know my occupation, my education, my family background, shoot and I'll answer.
M: Well, actually, I've lived abroad myself, and I know what it's like being a part of that society, so tell me, how did you blend in with that?
F: Not too difficultly, I learned to cook the basics, relinquished my need for a maid and learned to entertain myself as an individual, making friends was a bit tough, but eventually that came along too.
M: Hmmm.... and um..... your social life, tell me about your social life, where did you go? What did you do?
F: What do you mean? You've never been there... how would you know the places I've been if I started giving you names?
M: No I mean.. did you go to bars? Did you go to clubs?
F: Yes
M: Did you have boyfriends there?
F: I dated, yes.
M: and....
F: and?
M: You know what I'm getting at...
F: I guess I do know yes, but please do continue to elaborate lest there be a tiny percentage that I may be wrong.
M: Did you drink? Do drugs? You know, are you a virgin? How far did you go with these men?
F: Hmmm... let's see. I must have drank daily, I was off my head most of the time on drugs, you know you start off with weed and hash and then before you know it cocaine is just a Friday night treat, I can't remember how many men I've slept with as I wasn't always in a right state of mind and they left before I woke up... but I assume not too many that it bugged my boyfriend.
Silence
F: anything else?
M: why wont you give me a decent answer?
F: It seems to me that this is the answer you were waiting for or had put together anyway, or else you would have asked me a decent question
M: these are decent questions
F: are they now?
M: of course!
F: So do you drink?
M: Well...um.... yes
F: Drugs?
M: Just the occasional J
F: occasional being?
M: few times a week I guess
F: how many women have you slept with?
M: I didn't count really , 12 maybe 15
F: how many of them thought you loved them?
M: I don't know, I didn't promise anything to any of them
F: how many of them are still your friends?
M: friends? (truly baffled now)
F: I don't see how your answer varies from mine really
M: of course it does, you're answer means you've been living abroad like a man would, as for me, it's expected and accepted of me
F: oh, because you're a man, hence granted a carte blanche by society to "sin" your way to the pits of hell? A passport to blasphemy, oh I do envy you.
M: you are being very aggressive, I'm sure you must've given yourself away
F: I'm sure you're sure of almost everything
the girl pays for her coffee and gets up to leave.
M (intrigued now): wait, it seems we got off on the wrong foot, I still have many other questions to ask you, your travels, your work, your experiences as a photographer, the languages you've learnt, your passion for the violin, I've heard all about that too...
F: Funny, I have no more questions for you.
Note: I think being a feminist negates the point by stating that there is a need to defend, and the need to defend portrays weakness and a lesser value.
I do however, believe in individualism, equality, a person's liberty to choose, and the disregard of anything but actions and thoughts, be it gender, race, country or religeon. May the world be free of all these ism's one day.
F: Coffee, black please.
The male signals to the waiter with an authorative snap of fingers, and solemnly speaks for two.
M: So, as you've been living abroad and have decided to come back home, tell me a bit about yourself.
F: What would you like to know? You already know my occupation, my education, my family background, shoot and I'll answer.
M: Well, actually, I've lived abroad myself, and I know what it's like being a part of that society, so tell me, how did you blend in with that?
F: Not too difficultly, I learned to cook the basics, relinquished my need for a maid and learned to entertain myself as an individual, making friends was a bit tough, but eventually that came along too.
M: Hmmm.... and um..... your social life, tell me about your social life, where did you go? What did you do?
F: What do you mean? You've never been there... how would you know the places I've been if I started giving you names?
M: No I mean.. did you go to bars? Did you go to clubs?
F: Yes
M: Did you have boyfriends there?
F: I dated, yes.
M: and....
F: and?
M: You know what I'm getting at...
F: I guess I do know yes, but please do continue to elaborate lest there be a tiny percentage that I may be wrong.
M: Did you drink? Do drugs? You know, are you a virgin? How far did you go with these men?
F: Hmmm... let's see. I must have drank daily, I was off my head most of the time on drugs, you know you start off with weed and hash and then before you know it cocaine is just a Friday night treat, I can't remember how many men I've slept with as I wasn't always in a right state of mind and they left before I woke up... but I assume not too many that it bugged my boyfriend.
Silence
F: anything else?
M: why wont you give me a decent answer?
F: It seems to me that this is the answer you were waiting for or had put together anyway, or else you would have asked me a decent question
M: these are decent questions
F: are they now?
M: of course!
F: So do you drink?
M: Well...um.... yes
F: Drugs?
M: Just the occasional J
F: occasional being?
M: few times a week I guess
F: how many women have you slept with?
M: I didn't count really , 12 maybe 15
F: how many of them thought you loved them?
M: I don't know, I didn't promise anything to any of them
F: how many of them are still your friends?
M: friends? (truly baffled now)
F: I don't see how your answer varies from mine really
M: of course it does, you're answer means you've been living abroad like a man would, as for me, it's expected and accepted of me
F: oh, because you're a man, hence granted a carte blanche by society to "sin" your way to the pits of hell? A passport to blasphemy, oh I do envy you.
M: you are being very aggressive, I'm sure you must've given yourself away
F: I'm sure you're sure of almost everything
the girl pays for her coffee and gets up to leave.
M (intrigued now): wait, it seems we got off on the wrong foot, I still have many other questions to ask you, your travels, your work, your experiences as a photographer, the languages you've learnt, your passion for the violin, I've heard all about that too...
F: Funny, I have no more questions for you.
Note: I think being a feminist negates the point by stating that there is a need to defend, and the need to defend portrays weakness and a lesser value.
I do however, believe in individualism, equality, a person's liberty to choose, and the disregard of anything but actions and thoughts, be it gender, race, country or religeon. May the world be free of all these ism's one day.
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