Not Enough

Dear Readers of this blog, this is a depressing post, move on from it now if you are in a happy place, i am not.
I am tired of life, i am disappointed at it, i am weary.
Through out my life whenever i went through a bad patch, the death of a loved one, a devastating heart break, i never lost faith. I always knew that this was just happening to me now, that this was just a bad experience i had to go through to learn something to prepare me for the good things to come. I always held the belief that the world was a happy place, that i chose my own misery, that i chose pain over happiness. I never blamed life, i never blamed the world, i took responsibility for my bad choices, and emerged out of every experience telling myself that if i fixed myself i would learn how to choose happiness. I spent endless years fixing myself, loving myself more, treating myself better, shedding one bad habit after the next. I had motivation, i wanted to embrace the world.
Today i find myself without faith, without heart, without a desire to go on. Today i find myself disappointed with the nature of humans, and with the world we live in that is so full of tragedy.

I look beyond my own current drama, and no one i know is happy. My married friends are either bored, unstimulated, being cheated on, or contemplating cheating on their partners. My single friends are either divorced, unstimulated, badly bruised, or trying to settle for a partner to have kids. I have been hearing one sickening story after the next, that i look at my own stories, and i am not that shocked anymore.
I am beginning to think that love is a myth.
Whatever happened to the world? If it's not fear of commitment it's fear of failure, if it's not fear of failure it's fear of boredom, if it's non of the above it's too many options.
Whatever happened to the days of love? Whatever happened to through thick and thin?
Why does everyone - whether with someone or not - end up alone?
Everyone i know who is single doesn't want to be. They say they want love, yet they are not meeting "the one". The people they meet are either too conservative, too loose, too religious, too atheist, too tall, too short, too fat, too bald, too loud, too needy, too pushy, too stuck up, too moody, too restless, too weird, too boring.

Uuuufffff. What is wrong with the world?

My last boyfriend (i will not assign him a letter here) came into my life disguised as the one who will make all my mistakes go away, he was supposed to be the one to make it all better. He promised not to break promises, he promised not to leave when i depended, he promised me a rational mature relationship. To me that was promising the world. I chose to enter into what looked like a healthy chance at something happy. I took a leap of faith, left a man i loved very much who promised me eternal heartache, and decided to love this man.
I had learnt all the lessons of love, to stay independent, to go slow, to have a life, to not fall first, to voice what i want loud and clear, to speak up when i was unhappy, to not get ahead of myself, and to not love him more than myself. These lessons were engraved in my bones from all the men i'd loved before. This time i would not get screwed over, this time i would be good to me, this time i would be happy.

And the rest is history. He broke his promises, he left when i was dependant, he taught me how to go for us when he couldn't. He taught me to trust while he wouldn't. He showed me one more time how nothing is ever as good as it seems.

And here i am. I am not heartbroken, i've lost heart. I am not lonely, i am just very aware that i am alone. I am not angry or bitter, i just have no urge to look forward.
What's the point? Everything ends. Why should i invest in anything if it always goes down the drain? Why should i begin something that will almost surely end?
For the one off chance that it wont? Who has the energy to take that chance one more time?
If love is not ever enough, then what is? If people never know what they want, how can we link our fates with other people's whims?
If people have lost the urge to be happy together, why should i be the only one who hasn't?

I come out of this one not devastated, not heartbroken, not betrayed, I come out older, and disillusioned; the world is not a happy place.

I come out of this one faithless. When all i used to have was faith.