I'm sitting on the sofa in this temporary room, and I watch you drink in laughter and I watch you mask your anger. I'm sitting on this sofa comfortable in my skin, for my skin has gotten used to being numb, while being bruised.
I wonder where your drink will take you tonight, I wonder and I think of ways to make you soften like I do - so very often.
I look at you with the shame of someone helpless to the pain of being so aware of more emotion than the skin and bones can bear. I smile for you in silence and contemplate my blindness. I smile as your hollow laugh echoes through the room and I watch safer from afar, only I know how angry you are.
I let my eyes slowly trace every detail of your face, I watch every trait in you materialize in motions of the body and diversions of the eyes, in the nervous self absorbed way you twirl your curls and act like I am no one really, in your world.
I watch you, aware of how badly I want to touch you.
In two weeks you will have left me with the anguish of no reason. In two weeks you will have shaped my newest bruises, in two weeks you will have raped me of my delusions. In two weeks you will have pushed me to the edge of my forbearance, where I can no longer plea this complete loss of me.
And today you drink your drinks and shove me away. You look at me with the shame of your abuse, and the burden of the blame of your misuse of everyday I give to you. You look at me in such anger that I half anticipate you smash your glass across my face, and I wait. Maybe then I'd walk away, maybe then when you kiss my hair in tears I will not stay.
I watch you, torn between your selfish and your weak, and I curse my vision through the hateful to the meek.
I close my eyes and try to still my compassion for your wrongs. Today I wish that I would walk out of this temporary room and forget just how hollow this life is and not wait for you to follow, with whims of gentleness, or moments of helplessness, or rushes of the defiance of the mind that last less than it takes for me to smile.
Leaning on the sofa right now, are you really that unkind?
I watch you drink away; I wish you'd smash away and lash out the anger that is really at the cleansing of my sins. I can see the edge of my forbearance, where I will walk away in peace and hold no grudges.
Note: I wrote this in March 2004, I was with K then, the best and worst love story of my life, the only man I put before myself, is this why I don't want to get into another relationship?
1 comment:
So much anger, so much sadness, so much negativity.
In life, often, the must loses out to the should and fades away into that part of the mind that doesn't want to deal.
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