Soft

I see his faults.
I see them as clearly as i see the sun or the stars.
I see them and see how i could let them turn our life into a living hell.
I see his stubbornness, his over sensitivity, his insecurities.
I see them, so very clearly i see them.
I remember a very far away time, when i was blinded of faults by love.
Where i could have sworn that every inch was perfect, every trait endearing.
Where i had no need to change a thing.
So long gone are those days of innocence, of blinding passion, of naivety.
I never thought i would be this me of today.
Where i see his faults, like the sun in the sky, and at the same time see my smile in his eyes.
I am always smiling, i am always loved, it is always gentle.
It is so very soft, this thing we have.
We can talk, and we can laugh, and we can argue, and we can get angry, and we can hurt and get hurt, but it is at the end the softness that always wins.
I see his faults, and i see the choice to let them ruin us or let the softness smooth it all out.
Growing up has it's virtues, you get the chance to choose happiness.

4:00am terrors

I didn't know what that meant. I thought i did, but i didn't, not really.
I go to bed tired, having spread myself too thin across the various areas of my life that demand my full attention.
I go to bed exhausted from the decisions, responsibilities and the commute.
I go to bed to face the only time in the day when i am truly alone.
The weight on my chest fills into its full heaviness.
The pain in my shoulders from all the clenching becomes prominent.
The muscles of my face are tense from all the frowning.
I am alone with my thoughts.
I try to trick my mind into going elsewhere.
I am too tired to even do that, so i just close my eyes and hope for sleep.
And i start to feel the fear.
I feel it starting in the pit of my stomach and flowing slowly and steadily outwards stretching into every part of my body till it is all consuming and overtaking.
I am aware of the flow of my fear through my soul, and it scares me.
Fear itself scares me, i know what is coming.
I feel my nose tinkle with the warning of tears that need to be let out.
I will not cry. There will be no cracking of the dam.
I bite it back and will myself to sleep.
Out of sheer misery i sleep.
It is somewhere between 1 and 2am.
I dream, i dream that i am sick.
I dream that i will die.
I dream that worse things happen than what is actually happening.
I wake up traumatized and tired.
It is 4:00am.
I have had one hours sleep and nightmares that would grey the hairs of some.
I look forward to an hour of terror.
Where i contemplate getting up to sleep next to her to ease the pain.
Where i will try to comfort myself that it was just a dream, and remember reality, and remember that it is not that much better than the dream.
I start feeling that my heart might stop.
That i might not get through the night.
I wonder if dying would a solution.
I remind myself that i am happy by day, and that this is not rational.
I yearn for the day where i am not so afraid.
I wonder how i will get through the next few hours to sunlight, to safety.
It's 5:00am.
I know that sunlight is near.
I calm down enough to sleep.
I sleep.
I snooze the alarm 4 times and drag myself out of bed an hour late.
I have slept 4 hours in total, for the tenth day in a row.
Except for the weekends. I can sleep in on the weekends.
But it's ok, it's daytime, and i am good at the day time.
I can get through the day where my daily duties distract me from the pain.
I consider taking a valium at night before i sleep.
I discard that thought, as i discard the thought of therapy and many other thoughts.
If only i could get through the nights.
If only i could get through the nights.

First Times

At night in bed after he left my place and went back home, after i spent the weekend at the beach with my friends without him. I reach for my phone and start typing a text message...

"awel marra to3od 7adenny keteer kedda in silence..."

"i just wanted to enjoy taking you in my arms..."

"you've never done that before"

"yes i have"

"when?"

"i can't remember habibi"

"it felt like the first time"

"that's because you miss me"

"i do"

"i miss you too love"

And then i went back in my memory to the many many times he held me for long intervals in silence. Can it really still feel like the first time?

It amazes me this falling in love with same person every once in a while, its like little leaps of emotion within the same emotion. I never thought it possible.

Dreams

I dreamt of you last night. It was in an apartment crowded with people. My long since dead friend was sitting with my friends on a couch at the end of the room telling them stories of where she'd been and i was desperate to cross the room to her. But i couldn't, then i could, then i was back in my spot standing in the middle of the room. The ex i never loved was on my right making noise, calling out for attention, and i felt that same wave of annoyance of wanting him to just disappear. And then you called me, out of nowhere, and asked me how i was. I was civil, as i always am when abusive ex's call me. I was trying to tell you that now was not a good time to talk, i was thinking about crossing the room to my dead friend to finally get to see her, hear her, feel her presence, when you asked me to look to my left. Then i saw you, you were thin, and you were playing poker on the table with my fiance. He didn't seem to recognize you, or didn't realize that you were you, he just played the cards he was dealt, not bothered. Our eyes locked, and you were smiling. That over confident cocky warm affection smile. That smile that is so seemingly sincere and genuine, and i felt tricked all over again, and somewhat nauseous, how could i possibly get confused again about your intentions after all this time? And then i was on the couch next to her, and her voice was her voice, her very voice. And then i woke up.

And as i type this my itunes played on shuffle plays this song:

save a place for me
save a place for me
in your heart
in your heart
save a place for me
save a space for me
in your heart
in your heart
cause if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait, i will come for you
if you wait
if you wait
if you wait
save a place for me
save a space for me

The song i listened to over and over and over again when she died.
If only i believed in coincidences.

And the first thing i remembered from my dream was that you were thin. My fiance seems to think that is because i believe you just want to spite me.
He also thinks i need to see a shrink.

CRYSTAL BALL

I sit in the vintage orange colored tent; the noise from the carnival fades into a background to the ethnic music this woman plays. I wonder how I got here. How did my feet walk into this tent? To the home of a gypsy with incense burners and crystal balls, with long strands of hair and tie-dye scarves, how did my reason lead me to here?

I sit out of place, I sit uncomfortable in my own skin, I sit and I watch this gypsy woman take the chair across from me and look me straight in the eye.

“You’ve come a long way” I watch her say, “you’ve come with much silence, and hunger in your soul”, “give me your hand girl, give me your hand”.

I extend my hand and expectantly turn my palm to her, she turns my hand over and reaches for my other hand as well, and I watch her close her eyes as she asks me to close mine. “Shush your noises and free your heart, let me feel what it is that took you away from your home and brought you here”.

I do as I’m told, in the most unlikely obedience I hold the woman’s hands and close my eyes. I block out the noises, I silence the contradicting voices that live in my head, I unblock the passage of all the feelings from my heart to my blood. My shoulders lose strain, my spine releases bottled up pain as I stop my minds control over me and hear myself breathe.

She opens her eyes and asks for my palm, she takes a few minutes to confirm what it seems she felt through my pulse, I watch her eyes rise up from the lines of my grip to meet mine.

“You have been far from home my girl, what is it with water that makes you yearn so?”

Expressionless I look at her and wait for her to go off mark and lose her guessing ground.

“Since you are here with a mistrustful heart, but here nonetheless, I will tell you what there is to know”. “I will tell you why you come here; I will tell you what questions you need to ask your soul”.

“Your home is neither here nor there, you are one with the people whose home is in their hearts”, “your life has had much sea and sun and too many farewells for your years”. “You change with the wind, you live inside your bones, you build yourself every day, and your heart is lost at water”.

To this she sees my eyes light up.

“Yes my girl, you feel like the fire and act like the steel, your soul is a battle field between your thoughts and your desires, you are always happy and always tired, you are so very alive and so very quiet, and your heart is lost at water”.

“Which of these two men do you love?”

I look at her pensively; “What men do you mean? There are no men in my days, there was only one, he is now far away and lost to me”.

“Sweet girl, why do you come to my tent then tell me lies? In these past moons, and past season’s whole turns you met two men by the sea”. “One of them loved you the moment he saw you, and the other one played you till he loved you too”.

“Gypsy woman, I tell you, there was one man and many, and the many meant nothing for more than days each time. There was only one man, we met by the sea, he loved and unloved, and loved me once more, and I tell you gypsy woman, he is now far away with only the winds guiding his way”.

“Why are you youth so blind in the heart?”, “I tell you again, and listen to me, the first man you met melted when you smiled, the first man you met travelled for you, the first man you met wanted homes and fireplaces, the first man you met held your hand through the rough, how can you not know this man from the other?”

I answer the crazy woman in confusion; “The man that I had, was sometimes like that, but who is this other? My soul hasn’t moved for anyone else in such a long time…”

“Sweet girl, I will help you”, “the other man you met is a smiling sunny man though he is sometimes dark, he lives out of a bag, and is always on his feet, he rushes you often, and plays with you often, and had your heart not been more free, he would have hurt you more often”.

“He comes and he goes, and when he goes he loses touch with what he loves when in your arms”, “but you are no fool, you know he always comes back to you”. “You wait for him without waiting; you welcome him back with a smile without asking, you care for his happiness more than he knows”. “You didn’t know this man loved you just as much as the other who made you coffee every morning did”.

“Now do you know the men in your life?”, “Now tell me my child, which of these men kept your heart with him at sea?”, “which of these men do you miss when you laugh? Which of these men would you have if he asked? Which of these men would give you a life you’d build another you for?”

“Which of these men is missed by the soul?”

I watch her watch me frown, I watch her watch me ache, I watch her watch me understand every word she had to say. I watch her wait for me to say anything at all since I walked into her world.

“These two men are one and the same.”

I watch her go quiet; I watch her sympathy as she understands why she finds me in her tent today.

“My girl, your heart soars and your mind needs the earth, my child your soul misses but your reason won’t let you weaken, daughter of this universe you are strong in the now, you must also be strong with the unknown tomorrows.”

“Which of these men do you want to come for you?”

I exhale my sigh, I look at her with despair, I talk to her with conviction; “Gypsy woman, I want them both. Gypsy woman I know them both and I’ve lived with them both. I’ve held one’s hand and packed the others bags, I’ve taken one’s flowers and planned the others trips, I’ve seen the home of both. Gypsy woman, I love them both.”

She looks me at, and she is the only one who looks at me with understanding, looks at me like I am sane, looks at me like I know what it is this worlds about. She understands me better than I understand myself; “but you love yourself as well.”

And she watches my tears of conflict stream down my face; “Yes Gypsy woman, I love myself as well”.

She picks up my palm, looking for the answers, she looks at my hands lines, looking for a premonition of what will become of me, she spends minutes or hours lost in her thoughts of my path and my knots.

“My girl, I can’t see.”

I look at her in despair; “What are you telling me?”

“In your years you have learnt more than your day’s worth, in his years he has seen plenty more than he should. With players so aware of life and your own choice, what can a woman in an orange tent say? The two of you are of the people whose palm changes every day. You make your lines, you make yourselves, you make your tomorrows, to people like you I have nothing to say.”

“Oh girl, why does the water overpower you so?”

I take back my hand, I pick up my bag, I remove myself from that chair and prepare to leave.

“What will you do girl? What will you do?”

“I’ll live gypsy woman, I’ve already done all that I can”

“And what about the part of you that stays with him at water?”

“It shall stay with him at water, for as long as he may need”

“You give a part of you away and sacrifice life for love?”

“Wise woman, the day I shared it is the day it stopped being mine. I will live well dear woman; life and love never were separate for me.”

“And you’ll love yourself well?”

“Yes gypsy woman, I’ll love us all well, I know no other way.”

“Go my girl, you shall never find yourself in harm, for you have understood the mystery of this world.”

And with unlined hands, I walk out of the orange tent back into the world.

The Blade

Living with the knowledge that someone you love has cancer is like living with a sharp blade pressed against your throat.
You live with the unsettling feeling of cold steel constantly pressed against your skin
You live with the pain of the knife scraping the outer layers of your skin carving out what is, for now, a shallow wound
You do not move too abruptly, you do not breathe too deeply, you do not think too much, lest the knife slip and cut you
You live with the fear that the blade will at any given second cut through your throat and maim you
You live wondering just how much it will hurt when that knife finally cuts through

Living with someone you love who has cancer is like living the few moments before watching someone get shot, over and over and over....

It is entirely and consistently devastating.

2009

For 2009 i resolve to:

1. Accept my best friends choice of significant others
2. Spend smart. No more 20$ Starbucks coffees, 10 coffees = 1 potential coffee table
   
3. Have more fun at work
4. Be more adventurous with colors (orange kitchen?)
5. Not fall into the conventional marriage procedures/ceremonies (i WILL get married barefoot on the beach!)
6. Wear my hair completely down when curly, at least once!
   

Happy

I have a gold band on the ring finger of my right hand. It's beautiful, i love it, i love the simplicity of a plain gold band around the finger.
He has a white gold band on the ring finger of his right hand, it's so fucking sexy, my man, my band, with my name on it, carrying it with him every where he goes.
He took me out on a date today, a date to reinforce that we are still dating and not slipping into the taking for granted of committed couples. I dressed up, a skirt and heals and even some make up, he rang my doorbell, got me flowers, and took me to my favorite restaurant where we had somehow never been.
We laughed through out, giggled like kids on a high, it must be sickening to watch; two people consistently holding hands and whispering and giggling. I pity the people who were eating there at the same time.
Where does the time go? Three hours later we had to leave and now i am home blogging while he texts me that he got home safe.
I'm engaged and in love, and i never thought that it would be this easy, or this much fun.
I am simply grateful.

The Dress

Engagement Dress

Dear girl residents of Dubai and Bahrain,

I am flying out to Bahrain for 8 hours and Dubai for 2 days but will only have 4 hours max of shopping time...

Can anyone recommend where to find engagement dresses in the 300 - 400$ price bracket? Before Saturday?

Your recommendations would be sooooo appreciated.

Thanks!

After 8 Dreary Years...

I am going to start watching the news again :)

Three Diamonds Later...

A starry night... a valley... a tent... dim lights... cushions.... a song... a feast... chocolates... champagne.... a ring... a question...

would you be my whole life?

Even though i knew it was going to happen those few days, for the life of me i didn't see it coming.

I couldn't stop smiling, i couldn't stop kissing him.

I said yes.

I said yes :)

And now i have three little diamonds on my finger, one for each word, how tacky is that??
And i keep reliving the few hours that felt like a few minutes, how girly is that???

I said yes!

Inspired by a comment

"so you've got a soulmate..
and you've got a foreign passport,
and you've got a lover...--and u've actually fallen in love with a dutch sailor before? damn!!! what're the odds?!!!
and of course a job..and obviously a fatty bank account to go with all of that too.
and a loving family.
and you've got a curly hair that's a reddish hue --mmm what wouldn't I do to just smell it so deeply?
and you've got a beautiful brain and a free spirit.

I gotta say, ppl like u N make us think "just what the hell are we doing wrong?!!!", if only we knew, life would make a lot of sense to a lot of ppl. So just tell us, are u using The Secret or something? i.e; the law of attraction that is."

Now i have not been known to dwell on my misfortunes, and honestly this comment made me smile, because this is pretty much how i see my life...
However, in fear that all this stated above would leave people thinking that only good things happen to me and all people with bad things happening to them are bringing it on to themselves, i feel the need to set the record straight, even if no one will care.

So Innate, here goes:
My father died when i was six
We had very little money growing up, and all the money we had went into our schooling
I spent the first two years of my professional life in the same pair of jeans and few t-shirts, i couldn't shop on my pay check and most of my friends are millionaires (from that pricey schooling i got)
My bank account is not fat, it is quite slim, everything i own i bought myself, and will continue to furnish my new home off my own paycheck, and pay off my car from there as well
My mother who is my best friend in the whole world and loves me more than life has a terminal disease, and i live every second of the day in fear of how the next second will be like for her, and how i will go on without her
My lover lives with the grey cloud that surrounds us as a result of her illness, even though you are right there, he is the light and warmth through these tough desperate days
I work my ass off in a job that i commute for an hour and a half to get to
I fell in love with a dutch sailor that broke my heart many times over many months, he was my recovery from the love of my life that betrayed me, and the man i fell back on to recover from my dutch sailor induced heartache, turned out to be married after being with me for a year.
I have been on a diet for the past 6 weeks losing the 10K's i have struggled with all my adult life.
And my hair isn't naturally red.

But because of that beautiful brain, and free spirit that god has blessed me with and you have so kindly attributed to me, i choose to see that my life is full of character building experiences, and rewarding relationships. If you choose to do the same, you too will have people wondering what the hell they are doing wrong. You too will have people assuming that you have it all, and have never known hardship and loss.

And yes i did read the secret, and yes the laws of attraction theory is quite functional i think.

Oh, and i really cannot argue with the foreign passport thing!

Soul Mate

My soul mate got married last month. He had sent me photos of the castle he planned to book for the wedding a month before. He married a girl that loves him to the ends of the earth and grounds him and makes him happy.
Our last conversation was a few weeks before his wedding. He was having cold feet, he was panicking, he was asking me what if? for the hundredth time. He told me that he missed me, missed our fire, missed our few minutes on the mountains in the middle of nowhere.
He told me that he missed my eyes. My sweet eyes.
"What if?" he told me, "what if we had given it a try?"
"It would've worked out" i told him. "I would've loved you to no end, and i would've forgiven you your mistakes, and we would have lived like we will never live. And you would have given me consistent chest pains".
He laughed, we laughed.
"I have never felt like that since then. Why did we not go for it?"
And i go quiet, and i remind him, that it was him that did not go for it.
And he goes quiet, and then he says what he always says when we get to this point; "it was too much fire, it would not have worked, too much fire, i could not live like that, i need peace."
And i smile, what he calls my sweet smile. A smile that he says somehow combines my sadness and acceptance and my resolve to not be weak. I had long since learnt to smile instead of letting the heart ache well up and consume me.
And we talk on, for hours, for what must have been 4 or 5 hours, he plays me my song, unasked, and i laugh and cry all at the same time. And finally i tell him that i cannot talk anymore, i am too tired from all the emotions, and i wish him well with his wedding, and i wish him much happiness.

He then asks me if i am sad, and i say that no, i am the luckiest girl in the world, i am in love with a man who would walk through fire for me, and my soul mate that i will forever carry in my heart, feels the same.

My soul mate got married last month, yes i believe in soul mates, and that you're not necessarily meant to end up with them, and nor are you necessarily supposed to.

Fated

i miss him sometimes, i shouldn't, but i do, sometimes
i remember moments, like flashbacks, they come uninvited, and they warm my heart
just for a moment
i indulge in them sometimes, the memories
i figure they are mine forever, a part of me that i can't be expected to renounce
i think, what if?, sometimes
only very rarely, but sometimes i do
a walk, a meal, a touch, a moment
so many of them shared, and gone, for good
it's hard to let go, sometimes
it's hard to accept that what is gone is gone
it's funny, that even at my most reminiscent, i know that things can only be the way they are today
that even as i lay today with a love i would not give up for the world
a part of me still lingers behind
i miss him sometimes, i know that i shouldn't
but that's the choice i made when i walked away with love
i'll miss him, always, i know that i will
but i know i'd rather miss him, than be anywhere but here