Monday, July 31, 2006
When confronted with my friends dilemma i respond with the same attitude giving the same advice every time. (This problem has been ongoing for 3 years now).
My next charge is that after that i start saying i don't want to interfere and i have no advice for you.
Am i missing something here?
For the first 6 months
you: what color is that?
For the second 6 months
you: what color is that?
For the third 6 months
you: what color is that?
me: well to me it still looks pretty blue
For the fourth 6 months
you: what color is that?
me: well if i were to put myself in your shoes, which is very hard, and looked in that direction, i would see it as blue.
After 2 years
you: what color is that?
me: i still have the same answer from before, i don't know what to say really, maybe you should ask someone else, i don't want to interfere.
I don't get it, i don't see my mistake, and now i am stubborn too.
Am very frustrated.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Then of course, I book my ticket home, and then it becomes safe to miss, as the end is near. I'm flying home next Saturday isa, so it is safe to say that I miss the following badly:
1. Ma (seriously, when do we grow out of this?)
2. The feeling of roaming the country with a sense of ownership and familiarity: this country belongs to me!
3: Fatta, kabab 7alla, wara2 3enab, 3eish balady, te7eina.. (I think you get the idea)
4: M and I, the best girlfriends in the world
5: Getting pampered by my best guy friend..("3ayza aroo7 after eight, 3ayza aroo7 el cinema, 3ayza arkab felooka, 3ayza 3ayza 3ayza!.... aaah, wi mesh 3ayza asoo2!" his response: "min 3enaya, howa ana 3andy kam N?") :-)
6: Spending endless hours in l'aroma and seeing random acquaintances walking in and out that I would never call.
7: El adaan
8: The cigarette smoked out my window with the door locked (even though I haven't really needed to do that since graduation! hehe)
9. Swimming north (I know this is wierd, but there is something very eery about swimming south in the med, it's as if its anti-gravity, I always feel like I need to head back!)
10. Sitting on a bed with all my girlfriends after a night out laughing our heads off at the uglies bumped last night and only recollected collectively the next morning
11. Putting my guards completely down
Egypt, I'm on my way!
My back is being a bitch too. Lower back pains that are just getting in the way of me going about my day, I went out for a walk in Juan les Pins (the agamy of the cote d'azur) which I hate but went there to take at least one look at the shops this year. So many random thoughts...
I could fall in love and get married in less than a year
I never want to settle down
Oh God I forgot how Agamy this place is
Should I get my back checked when I go home?
Hey, I'll be home in less than a week isa
God I miss ma
I wonder if I'll get to see my boss...
Hey, work, haven't thought about that in ages, am I too chilled about that?
Need to work harder, be more innovative, read more material, need more energy
It really is hot today, should I go for a swim? am not looking at the shops anyway, this must be the definition of absolute disinterest
Wonder if G will be online tonight, wonder if he missed me when he was on his vacation
wonder if that story could ever go the way I would want it to
wonder how I would handle the religeon issue if that ever happened
religeon....hmmmm..... no no, wont think about that now, too messed up
and then the sound of an sms.... T!?!?! How strange, he had given up that form of communication ages ago... "ready to be kidnapped now..." in response to a 3 day old message. I laughed out loud at the endearment of his self-centeredness, and for the millionth time smiled at our relationship that only two people as contradicting as us would be able to sustain for 9 months without someone getting seriously resentful....
Shit, 9 months???? It's been that long?
wonder if I'm missing out on the chance of real love by dating T
Instantly disregard the thought as nonsense, which it is
Head to beach for lovely swim, more traffic in the head....
Just had to go home and blog about this state of chaotic peace, and maybe nap before I pick up best friend from airport...
Friday, July 28, 2006
F: Coffee, black please.
The male signals to the waiter with an authorative snap of fingers, and solemnly speaks for two.
M: So, as you've been living abroad and have decided to come back home, tell me a bit about yourself.
F: What would you like to know? You already know my occupation, my education, my family background, shoot and I'll answer.
M: Well, actually, I've lived abroad myself, and I know what it's like being a part of that society, so tell me, how did you blend in with that?
F: Not too difficultly, I learned to cook the basics, relinquished my need for a maid and learned to entertain myself as an individual, making friends was a bit tough, but eventually that came along too.
M: Hmmm.... and um..... your social life, tell me about your social life, where did you go? What did you do?
F: What do you mean? You've never been there... how would you know the places I've been if I started giving you names?
M: No I mean.. did you go to bars? Did you go to clubs?
M: Did you have boyfriends there?
F: I dated, yes.
M: You know what I'm getting at...
F: I guess I do know yes, but please do continue to elaborate lest there be a tiny percentage that I may be wrong.
M: Did you drink? Do drugs? You know, are you a virgin? How far did you go with these men?
F: Hmmm... let's see. I must have drank daily, I was off my head most of the time on drugs, you know you start off with weed and hash and then before you know it cocaine is just a Friday night treat, I can't remember how many men I've slept with as I wasn't always in a right state of mind and they left before I woke up... but I assume not too many that it bugged my boyfriend.
F: anything else?
M: why wont you give me a decent answer?
F: It seems to me that this is the answer you were waiting for or had put together anyway, or else you would have asked me a decent question
M: these are decent questions
F: are they now?
M: of course!
F: So do you drink?
M: Well...um.... yes
M: Just the occasional J
F: occasional being?
M: few times a week I guess
F: how many women have you slept with?
M: I didn't count really , 12 maybe 15
F: how many of them thought you loved them?
M: I don't know, I didn't promise anything to any of them
F: how many of them are still your friends?
M: friends? (truly baffled now)
F: I don't see how your answer varies from mine really
M: of course it does, you're answer means you've been living abroad like a man would, as for me, it's expected and accepted of me
F: oh, because you're a man, hence granted a carte blanche by society to "sin" your way to the pits of hell? A passport to blasphemy, oh I do envy you.
M: you are being very aggressive, I'm sure you must've given yourself away
F: I'm sure you're sure of almost everything
the girl pays for her coffee and gets up to leave.
M (intrigued now): wait, it seems we got off on the wrong foot, I still have many other questions to ask you, your travels, your work, your experiences as a photographer, the languages you've learnt, your passion for the violin, I've heard all about that too...
F: Funny, I have no more questions for you.
Note: I think being a feminist negates the point by stating that there is a need to defend, and the need to defend portrays weakness and a lesser value.
I do however, believe in individualism, equality, a person's liberty to choose, and the disregard of anything but actions and thoughts, be it gender, race, country or religeon. May the world be free of all these ism's one day.
Ever since I was a little kid I've had my intense moments. The more I grew up, the more I was told that I was perceptive, had depth of spirit and wisdom that preceded my age. That sounded well and good at the time, but there was always something about those traits that left me uneasy. I found out why when I turned 19 and the suppressed experimentalist was unleashed, but as the wilderness took over, so did the intensity. Being a drama hater during those years wasn't easy as my life was just that: a drama, a soap opera at best, if you wanted entertaining stories about the breaking of mental and emotional boundaries you came to me. I provided constant amusement and alas disapproval from my closer circle of friends, and displayed the cool of an outwardly composed collected even conniving person from a distance. That was the result of suppressing the drama; extreme misconstrued intensity.
There is nothing pretty about intense dark people, they are melancholic at best and desperately draining most of the time, being one of them for a few years was something I hated, thus suppressing it more and more, with a pretension of happiness and a lot of smoking.
Let's not drag on... I haven't been blogging about the devastating escalation of a war threatening our peace and safety for as long as we may live, or the ex that i think may very well have scarred me for life though those wounds have healed, I haven't been wording out my incurable terror of death and loss, nor going on about guilt, shame, double standards, hypocrisy and taboos. In fact most of the things i needed to vent haven't been blogged about at all... As i go through the archive of previous posts i find mainly random thoughts from daily trivia and none of the issues i thought would be splattered all over this blog.
Oh thank God for that. I'm not promising the monsters wont surface, actually I'm pretty sure the bleak winter will present me with many an opportunity to wreck your days with gloom. But for the moment I am happy, happily lost in the trivia of days spent by the lake and on the beach, day trips in the Var, fiction books, concerts and festivals, carnivals, flirtations and mid night swims. I am willingly living in the very outer layer of my skin where only fun is felt deeply and everything else is left to lie, where the things that stir us most are the things we say the least about. And for the momenI i wish that this could last forever, bring on the trivia every day if you ask me.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
They told me you sat on a throne in the sky.... and I kept finding you in my heart
They told me I would meet you five times a day.... and I keep meeting you when I drive, when I swim, when I laugh, when I shiver, when I crash.... when I am
They told me you would scold me.... not that you would teach me every time I hurt myself
They told me you wanted me to battle my desires...... not battle my demons that make me not love myself
They told me I should fear you.... not surrender to you
They told me I should worship you.... not embrace you
they told me I should always remember you..... not always carry you in my heart
They told me if I lost my way I'd be lost to you..... and at every end of a lost path I found only you
They told me you would punish me for being me..... I told them off.
In a world obsessed with words;
I love you all the time and for always, as I'm sure they must too.
I snoozed three times before I woke up
I listened to more crappy news on my way to work
I switched the radio off and called a friend long distance for an hour
I reassured my work mates that the rabbit I found the morning before in my bedroom had safely returned home
I sent my best friend a text relaying my very thought through and weighed out annoyance
I did the bare minimum required from my job, and failed again to get into that sales book
I listened to more crappy news on my way back from work
I made a pasta salad with tuna and loads of sweet corn
I met a friend up for a drink on the terrace of the yachtie's bar
Super cool dreadlock musician happened to drop by for ten minutes
I went back home to friend's house for one last drink
Best friend called to explain and sort things out
I spent an hour reading in bed
I fell asleep
I dreamt of him 3 times in one night even though I haven't seen him since early April and haven't spoken to him in weeks.
And today I woke up yearning.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
People are strange, almost everyone feels the need to dump on someone else, or take their shit out on someone, put them down, get their energy out of making you feel bad about yourself, even hurt you on purpose. The funny thing is this is very likely because you intimidate them as they have bellow the soil self esteem, the not so funny thing is that more often than not these are the people closest to you. More often than not the aggression is taken out on the only person that doesn't miss-treat them, that wont step all over them given the chance, most probably the person putting you down is passing it on to you from someone (or everyone) else.
Yesterday I took my best friend out for dinner to ease the tension created by my sudden awareness of the repetitiveness of this (I am quite delayed with these things), in hope that my awareness would partly solve the problem... and then bam, out of nowhere, mid conversation, she changes the subject to an especially uncomfortable topic for me (which I had been avoiding all night) and rubbed the salt on the wound. She pointed out a hurtful fact (that may or may not be true) about a third party, and basically ruined my night between my annoyance at the possible truth in this fact and most importantly my utter disgust at her for purposefully shifting the conversation to make a hurtful point, eyes steadily looking at me, and bitterness in her voice, then bouncing off to other topics once my face had successfully dropped. I always knew she had insecurity issues concerning me, but the malice (very probably subconscious) left me in serious doubt if I wanted to be this girl's friend anymore.
And in a true moment of isolation, I missed home, I missed my childhood girlfriends, who - with all their issues - never practice the domino effect with me or themselves.
Friday, July 21, 2006
to love and to hate, in split moments of now
oh playful god, is this what you do?
how can one's mind be so split in two?
To firmly believe in all that is today
and to spend the in-betweens in regretful gray
oh spirit that binds the whole at some part
convictions of mirrors, pull me apart
I am me tomorrow
I was me yesterday
yet they meet in a hollow common ground of disarray....
Thursday, July 20, 2006
In this round of life, it was he who had places to go to, dreams to fight for, responsibilities
It was he who had to leave
and I understand, I do
I cannot be as hypocritical as to forget that I have flown so much before
When the winds just went another way
When staying became stale
When I realized this was not where I wanted to be
When my mind tricked me
When another soul swept me - for a while
I would stand on the ledge of a balcony, take a deep breath, and plunge into the unknown
and of course I fell sometimes
of course no flyer makes it the first time
I - as he does now -
fell right back into the arms of the home maker of my cage
You see we've been taking turns fluttering for a while now
Contemplating, practicing, searching for an escape route away from here
Sure, my style is different
And yes, I usually take off with less damage left behind
But he's not me, and at the end of the day;
Flying is still leaving, no matter....
What a relief to not be the one to have to find the winds to carry me
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
This is my addiction, this is my self destruction, not popping pills or downing bottles, i am hooked on the everlasting need to break harshness with softness, to be gentle to those i love, to be a better more giving person, to ignore my pangs of pain and not act upon them lest i seem weak or portray vulnerability.
And in this behaviour, i hurt myself slowly but surely, daily taking more of worse than yesterday, i compile unacceptable behaviour from those i choose to love and ironically eventually lose. You see i spoil them till they don't know any other me, and cannot handle my coldness when i cannot tolerate anymore and the only thing i can do to spare myself is walk away.
I know all this and i do it anyway, this is my compulsion, my greatest battle with myself, my twisted maze of logic: when i know it is all my doing, how can i blame people for being shit?
- If I am going to be quiet all night, why is it still more comfortable to be in a group?
- How do people find new music?
- With a world population of 6.5Billion, why is it that hard to find compatible people?
- That thin line between acceptance and passivity, faith and denial, taking responsibility and being a push over.... who draws these lines?
- How come selfish people are happier?
- Why are my nightmares so violent and brutal?
- Why am I attracted to you, when I don't like who you are...?
- Why do you create people with such horrendous faults?
- Why am I only completely peaceful on a couch in Cairo next to ma watching sitcoms and wrapped up in a quilt?
- How do some people spend their lives with no need for answers to questions like these?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
- The nerve of the US government
- Bunjee Jumping and sky diving
- Committing suicide
- Intentionally inflicting emotional pain
- Hair that's dyed orange blond
- The dependability of the the use of the term terrorist on the religion of the person(s) in question
- The Hairdressers' need to be my best friend
- Parental denial of their offspring's sexuality
- People who don't like the sea
- Giving up on yourself
- How anyone likes grapefruit
Monday, July 17, 2006
As reported by the BBC:
The remarks came as the two leaders were sitting down to lunch at the summit in the Russian city of St Petersburg.
"The irony is, what they really need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over," Mr Bush was heard to say.
Soon after Mr Blair noticed that the microphone was open and switched it off, reports say.
Ana zehe2t min ommak!
Where did you hide my cigars?
What's in the family, stays in the family
Because she' prettier
You wrap anyone around your little finger
Move to Greece with me
Please tell me a man didn't touch your hair! (said in tears)
You're so cold (said in sobs)
I love you as much as I love me
I'm going to put some effort into this .... thing
It feels like you're always trying to substitute us
Where were you when I wanted to share my happiness with you?
Get a grip!
Would you like to move to France?
I could take you anywhere
With you I'm free
You will be safer than you have ever been
I always thought I'd have a family
With you I'm like a child
I could never really know you
Because I didn't want to have any discussions about it.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
and whatever I may find
your flesh renounces mine
and surrender wrecks my spine
I've held on to the rope
I've followed through the cave of hope
I've taken little steps as told
and all I found there, was a wall
Still above the trick I leap
and only today let the memory make me weep
and now I grit my bones;
this is not what I was told.
Finally the realm of composure
crashes as you breathe
as the drama ends with percussions
that only I can hear
And in the numbness of revelation
that the gory line was crossed
comes the paralysis of realization
that when you walked me down that aisle
I got lost
For whatever it was worth
to me and you and the puppet master of this world
today the abyss wells to hell
I still hope all your todays' aisles - hear a bell
Thursday, July 13, 2006
You know that life is brilliant
You feel how God is fair
You see yourself for what you're worth
You see your body for the miracle it is
You relish in your accomplishments so far
and you know you're doing the best you can,
and that you're happy.
God bless today.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I could have gone to the concert today and slept in the grass, but i think my body will collapse if i don't rest it, and i fear that if i procrastinate any longer the build up will avalanche.....
I wonder what it is about this time of day? I am alone for the better part of most days, singing and humming and getting things done, maybe its the absence of the sun....
And as fate would have it, and irony would dance to it, it's a full moon today. You see i have a terrace that stretches alongside my flat, so i can see the now very golden, very melancholic lost face in the moon look at me no matter where i am in my flat....
I'm at home alone, house has been cleaned, dvd has been watched, nap has been taken, and now there is nothing left to do but see this night through.
I wonder where you are.... one night in those weeks you called me.... one morning in those weeks i cried my heart out..... one night in those weeks you turned thirty and i told you all my truth... one day not so long after that you let me down one final time... thank god for the noisy sounds that kept me from registering, thank god for the past experiences that stopped me from thinking, thank me for the sense to not dwell, to not fester, to not delude myself and excuse you....
That moon keeps getting sadder and more bewitching by the second, i wonder if you can see it from where you are.... that canyon was more beauty than i could fathom, i wonder if you felt that i had taken you there with me....
I wonder how i carry you in my heart this way when i am absolutely helpless in the outcome of this myth.... when i usually bore from absence.... when i have always been more demanding than most....
The moon is now jaded, hiding behind a translucent veil of summer clouds, i look up and pray to the power behind that moon, and every moon;
Come next November, may i care a lot less about you.....
they played and sent their joy out to the world
they smiled at this life, choosing all of how they see
and they succumbed to the orange moon of yester-night
seeing no meaning in losing moments that build forevers
or vowing forevers that doom the mind before its time
and wordlessly, in this freedom they were bound
today, tomorrow and any day
and in that sovereignty they felt the belonging
of their souls to the everlasting winds of God
Monday, July 10, 2006
I sip on horrible wine and sit amongst the people who have now become my friends. This is by far, the crappiest bar in town, worn down, neglected, with paint pealing off the walls and light bulbs cracking and missing everywhere. The bathroom has been renamed to another word to better fit its minimal function of relieving you at your most desperate of states after having spent four hours on that terrace with failing planning every hour or so, to move on to somewhere else. There's a pool table at the back of the bar, where the green lining separates from the wooden table as you shoot, and someone used chalk to draw a little football field at a more drunken innovative time.
This is the craziest bar in town, i successfully avoided it altogether my first 11 months living in the south of France, my best friend bar-tended there, and i still didn't go, i dated her best friend last November, and only then was i persuaded to give that place a chance, "it's the bar everyone goes to, it's this town's local bar", and somewhere between then and now i have become a regular.
I sit at the terrace sipping on atrocious wine, and my favourite people in this town are all here;
The best friend i couldn't have dared to hope to find
The hellish/lovely on and off boyfriend
The english girl who happens to be the only one who is not a drama queen in this town
The ever so intellectual and witty C who studied to be a priest and ended up consuming every sort of drug there was after getting bored of 3 years of daily confessing sins
The handicapped/alcoholic who is the only other person who has an office job
Other than that familiar faces are everywhere, the local hash supplier who comes biking in, the drop-dead gorgeous dread lock guy, the girl with the most beautiful smile i have ever seen. The preverse and the obscene, the kind and the lost, the rasta man back from the Caribbean for the summer and the swedish man with his notes for the book he's been writting for 20 years about the origin of man kind's behaviour. The live band starts playing, i know them both too, and i reflect on how bad this wine is, and secretely re-inforce my will to not start drinking beers, then i will have completely given in to this place.
The bar de la porte du port, otherwise known as the bar du port, i think of myself sitting here and think of who i was a little less than two years ago, and i wonder...
Was i disciplined and now i'm lost?
Or was i conditioned and now i'm free?
And just how many other sides are there to me?
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Plant a garden in my bedroom
And take a wall down for the sun
Be my sunshine laden coffee and a smile for my day
Plant a garden in my bedroom and build a hammock for you
But don’t tell me you might stay
Don’t tell me you might stay
I have glass walls for my bedroom that over looks a garden
I have sunshine in my heart that comes from there alone
So you may swing on hammocks but plant nothing in my bedroom
Plant nothing in my bedroom if I’ll one day find it gone
So you cut through the water and swim there on your own
So you know the way to garden a bedroom full of thorns
But plant nothing in my bedroom that I cannot call my own
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Lines from that post haunt me, litteraly haunt me, and on this confusing Tuesday morning all i can think of is: '.....but there is no one you can ask about it'.
It seems in my obejectivity and open mindedness i am often in search of a bench mark, of a reassurance that it's ok to do what i do, K would ask me why do i even care about normal? He would tell me to make up my own mind about what i think is right for me.
What is right for me? what is right for me? often lost between two worlds, often impersonating the very people i have judged, so many contradictions in one mind on who to be, chilled and anxious, happy and restless, firm and wishy washy about the very blocks that build my core. Confident and so bloody unsure of which mistakes are freeing, and which ones are irreversible...
I wish there was anyone i could ask about it...
"Then things happened .....but you don't wanna talk about it"
So i resign to my mind, can i google this? can i research this? can i think about it obsessivly till part of me wins and i find my peace? will the chilled eventually calm the anxious? will my guilt be sedated by reason? will i forgive myself today as i must have not thought it wrong enough to not go there to begin with? can i start over? do i want to start over?
Then slowly but surely i reach my next stage of anxiety:
"......but you don't wanna think about it."
and that ends it, supresses it, along with all the other things i couldn't deal with and ignored in fear of being neurotic. It passes, i tell myself that i've done worse, i tell myself to give myself a break, that if it bothers me that much i should just quit it. I find my peace in my acceptance that there is nothing i can do about it.
But then someone, someday, says they almost did something similar, or they did what you did and regretted it, and everyone laughs at the far away story, and without knowing it they pick at your conscience, they scratch at your wound of a burried memory. Everyone looked at you to join in the merry reminiscing.
"...but you didn't laugh about it."
On this very gloomy morning i find comfort in your post. cheers K, at least there's someone who can write about it.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
For the people in my life, T is an enigma.... They don't understand how i don't fall for him, why i don't ever get rid of him, why such a smart girl like me even bothers with him. T is a womaniser at his best, and a rude, obnoxious, hurtful, selfish piece of shit at his worst. Everyone likes having T around, everyone would buy him a drink, everyone would smile more when T's around, everyone wants his attention, but when they think about him when they go home, no one looks up to him, and no one relies on him.
So what am i doing spending much of my days (when we're on) with T?
Learning..... I am learning from T, as he is the happiest person i know, In the past 7 months T has taught me:
1. That my day is mine, and his day is his, and that's that.
2. That everyday i should get up early, especially on weekends to live all of my day. (also to sleep with the shutters open so the sun will wake me up)
3. That self confidence will take me to the moon, and self sacrifice will take me nowhere (T doesn't believe in heaven).
4. No one needs guidance, and no one needs mothering, "let them sort it out themselves".
5. To tell him to fuck off when he's a piece of shit. (and anyone else for that matter)
6. To have fun every day, especially alone.
7. Not to try to change anyone.
8. That everyone is interesting until proven boring.
9. That it is absolutely legitimate to have a bad mood.
10. That drama, attachment and dwelling are terminal diseases.
and most importantly... how not to fall in love with a man like T.
T taught me this by example, criticism and harshness, never preaching. He is my opposite in tons of ways, and we have a fantastic time together. I know that T loves me to bits, but no where near as much as he loves himself, and that's what makes him so great, he's so void of bullshit.
T told me yesterday he's going to be a daddy, and T (being T), wont marry his ex, will support her and the baby completely, will take full responsibility for his "actions", but wont change his life. Some people say T is selfish, T is very selfish, but T has taught me that he is who he is, take it or fucking leave it.
Most people take it.....